Often times we find ourselves forgiving everyone around us except ourselves. This Rosh Hashanah let us find a way to forgive ourselves.
As an Orthodox therapist on the frontlines of addiction treatment, I realized that Tisha B’Av and addiction treatment and recovery are intrinsically connected. How you may ask. That is precisely what I’d like to share.
We are all wired to chase pleasure and we instinctively avoid discomfort wherever possible. We’ll check email to avoid the discomfort of boredom during a short elevator ride, snack between meals to avoid the discomfort of slight hunger, and do everything in our means to avoid pain in any form. It seems counterintuitive that the Jewish calendar prescribes a 3-week period from the 17th of Tammuz to Tisha B’Av, dedicated to manufacturing sadness, and bringing to the surface painful memories and uncomfortable feelings. Isn’t this exactly what we are driven to avoid? In working with individuals struggling with addiction, I have gained a new understanding of the value of sitting with discomfort. In this article, I’d like to share three lessons I have learned from addiction treatment and recovery, which I plan to draw upon as inspiration for a more meaningful Tisha B’Av experience.
Three Lessons That Link Tisha B’Av and Addiction Recovery:
Lesson #1: The Therapeutic Value of Remembering Even in Recovery
Those in recovery understand the importance of recalling the story of one’s past. It is when this history, however painful it may be, becomes forgotten that one becomes at risk of relapse once again. In treatment, we purposefully seek out and explore the story of one’s “rock bottom” because of the power that this very memory can hold. In sobriety, the clear memory of that “rock bottom” allows one to stay focused and prevent the spirals of ongoing misery from occurring. I have been taught this lesson over and over again by my clients like Mark*.
Mark, a tough-looking 40-year-old veteran, turned to drugs to escape the pain he brought back with him from war and is now working toward recovery. “Whenever I start slipping, I look down right here,” he pointed to the tattoo on his forearm which read the numbers 12-07-2018 in scripted bold black letters. This is the date I came so close to losing it all in an overdose. My wife, my daughter. By the grace of God, I was saved. And it was that day I decided this time had to be my last. I don’t think it hit me how bad things were until I was lying there on that stretcher and realized I cared about living after all. I wanted to see my little girl again and I didn’t want this to be it. I tried to hide my own wet eyes at the sight of this muscled veteran, whose eyes watered and voice cracked as he shared from such a real place within: “Whenever I feel myself start to slip I look right at this date and what I almost lost.”
On Tisha B’Av we, too, defy every natural tendency to resist and escape the memory of the pain that we as a nation and as individuals have experienced. On Tisha B’Av, we remember the “rock bottoms” in our nation’s history, similar to those who go through addiction recovery, and rather than numb ourselves and drown out this pain, we do everything in our power to ensure we don’t forget. We sit on the floor, tearfully reciting the Book of Lamentations, recalling in painstaking detail our nation’s past tragedies, not leaving out any of the gory details. We speak of our holy temple’s destruction and our nation’s history of exiles.
Contrary to our instincts and habit of shying away from discomfort, we deliberately choose to remember, relive, and re-experience distress.
It is only through confronting and experiencing these memories that we become acutely aware of that which is missing. We become reminded of the tear that exists in our spiritual life on the national and personal level, and we become moved to use these reminders as a call to action and growth.
Lesson #2: Moving Out of Pain Toward Healing Requires a Sustained Process
The treatment process for addiction is not quick or easy. Addiction recovery requires sustained commitment, motivation, and effort. It is strategically designed with different phases of intensity and those struggling with substance use have become so accustomed to numbing pain that engaging in a process where one is now tasked to directly confront, speak about, and sit with this distress (without access to the various forms of self-medication he or she has been habituated to using) is not a simple feat. Yet it is the only way forward.
Our Sages understood our natural tendency to avoid pain. In the weeks leading up to Tisha B’Av, we are commanded to engage in a process that is strategically designed to stir up feelings of grief and sadness: “When Av begins, we lessen our happiness” (Mishnah Ta’anit 1:7), similarly to the process of addiction recovery. Throughout this month, we are tasked to avoid specific pleasurable activities and to purposefully act as mourners: “All the restrictions that are observed during shiva are observed on Tisha B’Av” (Ta’anit 29b). We fast, refrain from bathing, intimacy, and socialization and we stay away from any act that might serve as comfort or even a temporary distraction from the tension. No music, no frivolity, and no drowning out, repressing, or numbing the pain. We are asked to push ourselves out of numbness and sit with the discomfort, rather than seeking an escape or solace.
To realign ourselves with our collective and individual mission, we must first allow ourselves to feel the acute sense of pain caused by the spiritual gaps of what we have lost. To achieve this, we must first engage in the prescribed process. By spending time sitting in the space of painful experiences, we become capable of moving forward toward the next stages.
Lesson #3: The Redemptive Power of Pain in Recovery
Those who have confronted the profound challenge of addiction often share the greater sense of strength, self-knowledge, and spiritual connection that they have uncovered within themselves through the process of struggle and healing. Consider the following words spoken by members in the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous: “[Almost any experienced A.A. member] will report that out of every season of grief or suffering, when the hand of God seemed heavy or even unjust, new lessons for living were learned, new resources of courage were uncovered.” Lessons like these included, “Adversity truly introduces us to ourselves” and “pain is the admission price to a new life.”
While the pain preceding, during, and in the wake of addiction is all too real and devastating, those in recovery have experienced firsthand the therapeutic value of finding a way to make meaning of and to build resilience through this pain. Sit in a therapy group or session in rehab, 12-step meeting, or recovery fellowship and you will undoubtedly find people rediscovering personal values and a sense of identity. You will see people on a mission to use their painful histories to help or inspire others. You will find people in the pursuit of deeper connection with themselves, others, and their Higher Power.
The process of treatment and recovery can equip a person with the tools to integrate painful experiences into a broader picture of oneself. In the words of Victor Frankl, “Suffering presents us with a challenge: to find our goals and purpose in our lives that make even the worst situation worth living through.”
As Jewish individuals, we possess a profound therapeutic resource at our disposal – the capacity to transcend and grow from struggle and adversity.
We are reminded in our classic Jewish texts such as The Path of the Just that one of the primary goals of life itself is to “withstand the tests one faces.” Challenges, our Sages explain, have the power to bring forth strengths that had previously been hidden or dormant. Rising from painful challenges, and utilizing adversity as a springboard for personal growth, connection, and reliance on God is a cornerstone of our nation’s history and our Judaic worldview: “Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in the darkness, He would not have been a light for me” (Midrash Tehillim).
On Tisha B’Av, we remember that there is a meaningful reason to carve out space for our painful experiences and struggles, and we are guided in how to do so. As modeled by those in addiction recovery, it is when we sit in the space of pain and allow ourselves to process these experiences, explore how they have helped shape us, and how they fit into the greater picture of who we are, that can we then redeem these painful experiences. And move forward into deeper levels of purpose, connection, and joy.
*Name and information changed for confidentiality
This article was originally published on Aish.com.
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