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  • I struggle with having no patience to learn and the process of things. i always want to be figure things out perfectly the first time. Anyone else struggle with this and anything has helped others with this?

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    d.f.
    Participant

    hey, yes actually. I have a good friend and family member who struggles with this. I want to get them active on this forum. I always remind them that “rome wasn’t build in a day” and everything worth while takes time and patience. They say that when I remind them this it is helpful and so I remind them often. if you can find someone to be your support in this way it might be helpful. Eventually you will start reminding yourself this on your own. Its also important to reflect on things you’ve done that took time and patience. Hope this helps..

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    striving4goodenough
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hey thanks df. yes it is really helpful hearing that. I wonder who I can ask to remind me that…I will also try to remember to tell that to myself in the heat of the moment.

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    Wandering Jew
    Participant

    https://books.google.com/books/about/Black_Box_Thinking.html?id=f1eNBQAAQBAJ

    This book is based on the exact opposite premise; we learn how to “do things perfectly” by failing multiple times until we learn how to do it.

    It can be likened to this analogy: a tightrope walker can only learn to walk the tightrope and do amazing stunts if he starts off practicing with a safety net.
    It is only after he develops the skill while falling and failing, does he learn how to walk the rope without the safety net.

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    striving4goodenough
    Participant
    Topic Author

    https://books.google.com/books/about/Black_Box_Thinking.html?id=f1eNBQAAQBAJ

    This book is based on the exact opposite premise; we learn how to “do things perfectly” by failing multiple times until we learn how to do it.

    It can be likened to this analogy: a tightrope walker can only learn to walk the tightrope and do amazing stunts if he starts off practicing with a safety net.
    It is only after he develops the skill while falling and failing, does he learn how to walk the rope without the safety net.

    That makes sense, similar to what people try to tell me but good to hear an objective analogy that is true. i will check out this book. thanks so much

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    Chavy
    Participant

    I’m looking at this thread only now but can relate to it so much! I’m wondering how others are dealing with perfectionism/anxiety? It really gets in my way and causes anxiety and painful secondary feelings (the feeling after the initial first feeling). It’s very unnerving that it gets in the way. I would love to hear how others (the ones that contributed thus far and anyone else) are dealing with it.

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    Wandering Jew
    Participant

    Feeling like a failure for not being perfect comes from a place of shame.

    Somewhere along the way we picked up the message of “there is shame in being imperfect”. In other words, there is shame in being human.

    In those situations, I was buried under all of that shame, and I realized that shame was holding me back from real change/progress.

    When we are inundated with feelings of unworthiness/shame, we are paralyzed by it.

    It was on those times I realized the following:

    My imperfections do not lessen my worth; I am always good-enough.

    With this mindset, I take compassion on myself instead of beating myself up and tell myself that I am in a process of learning how to do this.

    It is precisely when I  compassionate to myself can I help myself be who and what I want to be.

    When I shame myself for being what I am not (for not being perfect), I further paralyze/cripple myself. I am not in a position to help myself.

    Being human and living life means taking risks and making mistakes.

    A life of growth is a journey, a process; there is no algorithm for being perfect.

     

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    Chavy
    Participant

    When I shame myself for being what I am not (for not being perfect), I further paralyze/cripple myself. I am not in a position to help myself.

    How true is this statement!! There are a few areas that I’m good in and love doing. But when I’m judgmental of myself how think how others perceive it, I am literally overcome by those thoughts and feelings.

    It is precisely when I  compassionate to myself can I help myself be who and what I want to be.

    I love this line too! To me, (and what I’m assuming you’re saying) is that (ironically) once we accept ourselves with our imperfections and vulnerabilities, only then can we be who we are and reach our potential. It’s the same thing with sitting and being with painful feelings.

    Thank you for these insights!

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    Chavy
    Participant

    When I shame myself for being what I am not (for not being perfect), I further paralyze/cripple myself. I am not in a position to help myself.

    How true is this statement!! There are a few areas that I’m good in and love doing. But when I’m judgmental of myself how think how others perceive it, I am literally overcome by those thoughts and feelings.

    It is precisely when I  compassionate to myself can I help myself be who and what I want to be.

    I love this line too! To me, (and what I’m assuming you’re saying) is that (ironically) once we accept ourselves with our imperfections and vulnerabilities, only then can we be who we are and reach our potential. It’s the same thing with sitting and being with painful feelings.

    Thank you for these insights!

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    anonymous
    Participant

    Wow @RenaissanceB_  You make some great points! and so clear,a lot to think about tnx

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    Wandering Jew
    Participant

    I was most truly helped when an amazing human being showed me how I was needlessly carrying a burden of shame.

    Her unconditional acceptance of who I was allowed me to separate from that burden and love/accept myself enough to see how that load of shame at being myself was incongruent with who I truly was.

    It was her love and acceptance that gave me the message of “it is okay to be human; to be who you are”.

    That message is the anithesis of shame, for shame tells us that we are unworthy of being who we are, and we should be someone else. (The should’s are very telling of shame messages).

    Love this thread. Thank you @renainssanceB_anon for sharing these pointed thoughts. I like how you pointed out that someone else’s unconditional love and acceptance can help you view yourself in that way thereby reducing the shame and perfectionism. I think this is one of the goals of many a therapeutic journey. To be seen by someone else in all our imperfection and still held, accepted, and respected. It is then the client’s job to work on establishing a similar relationship with themselves all the while using the therapeutic relationship as scaffolding in that capacity. Of course a significant other can also play this role but sometimes our loved ones want us to be perfectly imperfect in ways that were not cut out to be and it doesn’t send the same message. @chavy this links back to your other question on unconditional love and the importance of it but how its a tall order in typical human to human interaction.

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