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    avacad0
    Participant

    I sit here and ponder

    As my feelings roil and thunder

    How can a mother not see

    Her daughters anguish and misery?

    How can she not be aware

    Of her child’s heartache and despair?

    How can she not know the affect

    Of raising her child with such emotional Neglect?

    The leaning and the expectations

    The screaming and frustrations

    It took such a toll

    It left in my heart such a hole

    Which I cannot seem to fill

    If only I can repair it with a magic pill

    On the outside I am a success

    While on the inside such a mess

    Things always seem out of touch

    While I am searching for something that I can use as a crutch

    So I can hobble on my journey, something to hold

    So that I don’t feel so tired like a 100 years old

    I feel emotionally depleted

    So alone and cheated

    I keep dreaming of being a child once more

    Of feeling loved and secure

    Under the wings of parents tender and warm

    My shining light amidst my emotional storm

    Strong and solid like an iron gate

    A haven of safety it would create

    A have been an adult since I was born

    And that is what I continue to mourn

    My innocence that I was robbed from at such a young age

    Being wise beyond my years, mature like a sage

    Always there to save the day

    So that things don’t crumble away

    Taking charge of things way beyond my years

    With sweat, toil and lots of tears

    Always doing what needs to be done

    Without a shred of recognition from anyone

    Doing this thankless job my shoulders so bent

    Asking myself when will a get the long awaited compliment?

    Now as an adult with a more mature lens

    When things are physically in the past tense

    I can give myself a standing ovation

    A silent and sad congratulation

    That I have done back then what needed to be done

    So that my siblings can feel a little warmth from the sun

    But what about my inner child I silently weep

    Who will be there for me when the going gets steep?

    I need to be there for her in a very deep way

    But how can I when I myself am not emotionally Okay?

    I need to give myself lots of love and tender care

    To grieve for that little girl so sad and full of fear

    To give her what she never got

    To help her untangle her emotional knot

    To give her compassion and kindness

    Love and fondness

    So that she can connect to herself in a very real way

    To live life fully every single day.

     

     

     

     

    You are a sensitive person

    What a treasure!

    Sensitivity helps you experience the world

    Through your eyes, ears, mouth, nose, skin

    You yourself and the world deeply

    Sensitivity helps you be creative

    Solve problems grow relationships

    Make change

    Sensitivity gives you the vigor to make you and your world better.

    Helping you

    Take your need to transform yourself into the transactions that make it possible.

    Sensitivity can also take you out of your sensibleness and your wisdom

    Into emotionality

    If your sense of injustice turns to what’s fair vs unfair

    If the feelings come too quick or too intense

    If patience turns into confusion about how to and why wait

    Sometimes the creep of emotion is a battle ram

    Of tremendous power

    Not knowing what to do,

    You can get mad at this slow or swift feeling change

    That anger fuels the emotional.

    And may make you angrier.

    Why me?  Why do I have to be skillful?

    And work so hard?

    STOP!

    You may need to push away the inputs that make you disgruntled

    Even if they are the means to solve the problem

    You can tend to your needs to bring you back to your wisdom

    With self-care

    Do what is necessary to protect yourself

    Restore, rest, re-examine

    With clear sensitivity

    You’ll be ready

    To resume.

    Matthew G. Mandelbaum, PhD http://www.dbt.solutions

    Profile Photo
    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you for your wise words! I’ll definitely keep it in mind…..

    Happy to help.

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    zissy
    Participant

    I applaud you for your verbal mastery and eloquent poem ..plus your extreme bravery in sharing. Many of us struggle with our wounded inner child , we don’t realize how deep it shapes our futures . We have to go back into our painful pasts and relove ourselves from a mature adult perspective.I myself have been wriiting about it .Healing is not a quick over night fix ..Its opening up and really connecting with the child inside of you and bringing her peace and relearning childhood patterns from a healed perspective . Give yourself time to heal and to treat each wound with lots of love and kindness to yourself. Good luck !

    Avocado,

    Your words and poetry share such a deep and integral part of who you are. What I seem to hear repeated through your various posts is the struggle between the highly functional exterior and the painful inner world. It seems as if you are battling to find the one truth with those two parts of who you are. While we are created and designed to crave clarity, however often there are multiple truths. Can you be both who the world sees and the person only you see at the same time?

    Chaya

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Yes that is exactly what is happening to me. Due to various traumas my inside world is very much in turmoil. But I am a very strong person so I can present on the outside a very capable and accomplished person. But my inner world tells a whole different story. So I am struggling with myself in a very deep way and it causes feelings of constant anxiety-depression.

    You can learn skills to integrate your inside and outside and be more effective in the world.

    Happy to help.

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    CalmGiver
    Participant

    Thank you so much avocad0 for expressing yourself so clearly… I went through a similar childhood, and it was so validating for me to hear some of my experiences that I went thru.. I’m way behind in the process of getting out of this mess, but I guess I’ll get there one day hopefully…

    I’m wondering if you can help me out a little with what I’m struggling.. I have a very hard time expressing & feeling my emotions, my brain literally shuts down when I start thinking about my emotions (for ex in therapy..) Were you struggling with that as well or is it just my way of coping?

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi CalmGiver, I really really feel for you. It is so excruciatingly painful. Yes I also had a very very difficult time expressing my thoughts and feelings when I started out on my journey. It is called Trauma. It freezes parts of things in our brain because it is too painful to face.

    I had to go onto meds to help me open up, I just couldn’t manage to open up to those deep dark places without it. I had a very hard time goint onto medication, but then I surrendered and recognized that this is part of my nisoyan that hashem has given me to help me grow and heal.

    Medication has proven to be very helpful in my opening up. Writing is also very rewarding. I also am doing inner child work now. It was explained to me that due to my challenging childhood I cut off a part of myself, and I am running away from it. The problem is that the more I run away the louder it will scream and the more emotional pain I will feel. I need to sit with my inner child and connect and give it everything it was lacking. That is the only way I will feel complete and healed.

    And yes it is so normal that your brain is shutting off, there’s just too much pain in there. Just keep on going! Know that you are not alone, there are many many people out there suffering silently along with you.

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    CalmGiver
    Participant

    In response to avacad0's post #7670:

    Thank you so much for all this, it’s giving me a tremendous amount of chizuk!

    I’m also struggling with surrendering to medication.. I’m still fighting it, but maybe I’ll just have to go down that path as well..

     

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    Chavy
    Participant

    I just wanted to add that although I didn’t go through this experience, I am very moved by the care, devotion and concern that everyone is displaying throughout this thread. I really hope that both @Avacad0 and @calmgiver both have a complete recovery!!

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you so much for your support!

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    Mirel Goldstein
    Participant

    There is a very strong connection between healing from trauma and putting traumatic experiences into language, words, and a coherent narrative. You are a gifted writer and hopefully your poems and your writing can be a big piece of your healing!

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you! It does help me process a lot of the inner turmoil that I am experiencing.

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