[avacad0]

I am going through lots of confusion,

The many thoughts and feelings are an intrusion,

They enter my mind without any qualm,

Stripping me of every ounce of inner peace and calm,

I am struggling with emotions too huge for me to hold,

Leaving me feeling vulnerable and cold,

Bereft of my old cloak of security,

In which I functioned with lots of Anxiety,

It was protection, my shield,

Where all my real fears were concealed,

I buried it under layers of iron and steel,

Convinced that I will forever avoid having to feel,

I cannot afford my pain to access,

It will cause huge havoc and a tremendous mess,

I don’t want to suffer, I have had my share,

I will avoid it all so that the hurt I will spare,

So although I know that by numbing and putting up this wall,

I am losing out of lifes beautiful call,

Because we cannot pick nor choose,

Which emotion to gain and which to lose,

When you choke your feelings and store them away,

Convinced that it will forever stay,

You are depriving the sunshine from entering your domain,

Where the good also becomes impossible to obtain,

So in reality you are living a life of deprivation,

Feeling lonely and sad, in emotional hibernation,

But how can I thaw,

A heart that felt so broken and raw?

Where I used to hide all my needs and all my longing,

Of feeling safe, and a feeling of belonging?

I hope to build my inner strength my fragile being,

Where anything scary sends me fleeing,

I want to be brave,

Riding high amidst the stormiest wave.

 

 

 

Rather to go through life without

 

[zissy]

wow , you are an incredible writer ! So attuned to your emotions ..which are sp raw and tangible underneath these incredible words !! You say you want to be brave..you are so very brave …to open up and be vunerable takes an extraordinary amount of bravery ..more then most can be able to do ! You inspired me with a realisim thats so hard to find !! Keep on writing ! This alone will bring inner peace 🙂

[Mitchell]

This is beautiful. I’m both impressed with your ability to write this and the courage it took to share it. And while I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of this doubt and confusion, poetry can be a tremendous outlet for sorting through these feelings, and we’ll always be here if you want to share it!

[anonymous]

Thanks again @avocado your poems always inspire, and I agree with @zissy how brave you already are.

I know its sooo scary to allow ourselves to face those feelings, places we worked so hard, and so many years to hide, deny that they even exist. I struggle with it too, but I’m starting to realize that not going there, and finally facing it, keeps me stuck in many areas, and is a huge struggle in and of itself that uses a lot of my energy. As much as I hate to admit it, and still try sometimes to pretend as long as I don’t go there i’m ok, its just not true the fact that it often comes up in my therapy sessions, and often keeps me up at night ,shows how much energy I  really spend on thinking that I don’t want to think, or go there. And yet I didn’t find yet the courage to visit all of those, its a very slow process for me, but I believe one day I will face it all heads-up.

[Fay Brezel]

@avacodo thanks for sharing this with us. Echoing what everyone shared. @anonymous so true, but the fact that you realize how much effort and pain you’re already exerting trying to keep the pain buried brings you so much closer to letting go of it slowly. Be patient with yourself but recognize you’re well on your way.

[avacad0]

Thank you everyone! i am trying to come to terms with all my needs that I have neglected all these years. I need face alot of painful feelings and it’s extremely difficult for me. But I know not dealing with them is not the way. It’s a bandaid which is a very temporary solution.

[Chavy]

I know this thread is from a while back, but I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety and distressing OCD thoughts, so I’m coming here for some support. Basically, my OCD feeds on whatever I’m anxious about. I actually wanted to start my own thread, but anxiety and OCD got in the way. The “rational” was that if I’m writing in, I must be in a shaky, vulnerable place, which I sort am in, though it fluctuates in intensity. So if I’m feeling the need to write in, I must be in a really bad place and then that leads to more scary OCD thoughts (will I be okay? end up in the ‘h’? .).

But bH I’m doing what I need to do, but it’s very hard at times. My anxiety can get really really high leaving me feel debilitated. Yes, I’m working with an amazing therapist, doing DBT, but I’m thinking and my therapist agrees that I may need a medication change.

I also have dependent personality disorder and BPD to add to the “fun”! Do other people have that too because I know it’s (DPD) not so common.

I’d love to hear feedback!

[avacad0]

Hi! I feel for you so much. I can so relate to the anxiety and ocd. I too suffered and continue to suffer from feelings and thoughts that overwhelm me.

What works for me very much is what I learnt in therapy call Containment. When these overwhelming thoughts and feeling engulf me, I do self talk that I will make an appointment with myself when I have time to go there and give it attention. In the mean time I am very strict and disciplined with myself that I will not engage. Somehow telling myself that I will deal with it gives me a sense of control and it calms down my raging thoughts and feelings.

Good luck on your journey!

[Chavy]

Wow!! That’s amazing!!
I wish I was that disciplined.
Thank you so much for the validation!
It’s so easy to give in because it makes me think and feel that I’m helping myself but I’m really just perpetuating the anxiety.

[Chavy]

Does anyone have experience with Dependent Personality Disorder? I feel like it’s so uncommon, which makes me feel more alone.

[Rivky Dasheff]

Whew! Chavy, sounds like you’re going through a tough time.

I can see why it would be so scary for you to start your own thread, given the anxiety and OCD you are feeling.

I want to acknowledge and celebrate your courage for coming here for support in whichever way you choose to. Your vulnerability in sharing where you’re at right now is commendable.

YOU WILL BE OK!

When you’re having anxious thoughts or an anxiety attack, I invite you to do some deep breathing. I know this can be very difficult to remember to do in the moment. But we become good at what we practice. So at first, it might take you time to remember to deep- breath, and after a while, it will become second nature.

Usually, anxiety is based in fear. Fear that we are not in control.

So, once your head is a drop clearer, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions:

1- What is your fear? (In this scenario, what’s your fear in starting a new thread?)

2- Is your fear realistic? What evidence do you have that it’s not realistic?

3- Can you control the OUTCOME of what you are going to do?

4- Is it worth the cost for you to control? It might cost you in a connection with another person. It might cost you in growing your self- confidence. It might cost you in your own peace and serenity. IS IT WORTH IT?

Usually, by the time you are finished answering these questions, your mind can calm down enough to start looking at the situation from a new perspective.

I hope this was helpful.

 

[Chavy]

Thank you so much Rivky Dashoff for your reply and validation.

Yes, it’s a lot!!

Im just not sure I understand the 4th point. When you say “is it worth the cost”, do you mean it in a negative way? Like if I did start my own thread, I would lose something somehow? I’m not sure I understand.

And for #3, can I control the outcome, were you referring to this scenario of starting a new thread or in general?

[Rivky Dasheff]

Hi Chavy,

These four questions are general questions to ask yourself anytime you feel afraid, and anxiety is based in fear. Fear that something will happen, or someone will do/ think of you a certain way. You’ll lose money, time, energy or not get your needs met; emotionally or physically.

So whatever your fear may be in any given situation;

Question #3: Can you actually control that from happening or not happening. Since the only one we can control is ourselves, the answer is usually “no”. If the answer is “yes”, that you could control the situation and make sure your fear doesn’t come to reality;

Question #4: Is it worth it for you to control? Meaning, sometimes we spend so much energy and stress to try to control other people or situations because we are afraid. And then later realize that it was sooo not worth all that stress.

The cost may be in you serenity and peace of mind. It may be in your connection with family members and friends. And the cost may also be to not get the support you want.

I hope this was more clear.

Wishing you much luck.

[Chavy]

Yes, this is much clearer. Thank you!

[Chavy]

I’m still feeling very anxious but I’m definitely trying to coast along. I actually switched medications which I think is making me more nervous, but I’m holding on. (Yes, I’m going to reevaluate in a few days).
I’m trying so hard use Mindfulness and be in the present moment, but my anxiety is so strong that it just goes to my worries that I’m scared will happen to me.

[Author]

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