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    Anyone experience tokophobia and the pressure/jealousy in a frum community where everyone is popping babies the whole time. Of course I have learnt in therapy not to feel pressured by family, friends and community who may comment that I’ve been married for a while now however even without that pressure, I really want to start a family as I see the joy and excitement from others but am just too scared to bring myself to getting pregnant.

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    Dana Rosenberg

    Hi Sara,

    Societal pressure is all too real, and it is something that we all grapple with on some level. It isn’t an easy job, and has a tendency to rear its ugly head with each new situation and stage. Kudos to you for working on lessening that pressure!

    With that being said, it’s important to realize that any decision we make can come from one of 2 places: strength or fear/avoidance. In other words: Am I consciously choosing to do this because I evaluated it properly, feel at peace with it, and feeling secure that this is the best decision to be making at this time? Or, is this a reaction of fear which is forcing me away from a place of conscious choice? Tokophobia by definition is a fear-a real one which seems to be getting in the way of equalizing your choice in this case. You express this in the last sentence-how you want to start a family, but the fear is stronger.

    Do you feel safe bringing this up in therapy? Are you aware, or willing to explore, possible reasons of why you have this fear? It may be rooted in something relatively simple i.e. fearful of specific pregnancy symptoms that may have solutions you are not aware of. Or it may be rooted in something more traumatic i.e. a difficult story that happened to your loved one. Are you the kind of person who is constantly experiencing anxiety and this is the ‘newest’ area where it is presenting? Regardless, the only real way to overcome any fear is to face it.

    Wishing you clarity, courage and strength on your journey!


    Dana Rosenberg- Enneagram Life Coach, MSed


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