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    Chavy
    Participant

    I have a difficult situation. I’m working on myself and, but my emotional issues get in the way when dealing with my family. For example, my family just got sat down together to figure out what each person will do for Pesach cleaning. I offered what i can (which was doing a chore together with my sister) bc I know that I need to go easy on doing chores around my family. Afterwards,  I reminded my father of our family session (me, my therapist and my parents) we had last year. I told him one thing we spoke about and he started getting extremely defensive saying that I don’t want to do anything, and he doesn’t see any progress and other nice such nice things. Bottom line is, we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. My progress is internal, and slow versus immediate and obvious. How do I respectfully yet assertively tell him what’s on my mind (ex – how I feel about helping)?

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    Banana
    Participant

    Hi Chavy!

    I feel for you! Sounds like you’re really making progress and are confident about it. You should be proud of yourself for that.

    With regard to the issue at hand, do you feel like your father usually reacts this way or perhaps you caught him at a stressful time? Are you able to ask him for time to speak alone when he has a few quiet minutes? Then maybe you can explain to him that you were hurt by what he did and what you wrote here (and even have some examples of your progress to tell him). Hatzlacha!

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    Chany
    Participant

    Yes this is difficult while also typical. It makes sense that your progress is internal at this point and slow and steady. Thats the progress that usually sticks. I’m happy for you that you can recognize it and not take on the way your father sees it in a moment of anger. If you can try to speak with him when things calm down that may be an idea but if it’s the type of relationship where you need to keep those boundaries, then try reminding yourself gently that you’re doing the best you cannot please everyone. I once heard a quote although i don’t remember the exact words, the concept was that you can be a delicious mouthwatering juicy peach and there will be people who don’t like peaches. The idea being is that you’re doing your best to get healthier, be a family member etc., and not everyone will see that and applaud you for it and that doesn’t mean your off kilter. Stay strong!

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    Banana
    Participant

    Yes this is difficult while also typical. It makes sense that your progress is internal at this point and slow and steady. Thats the progress that usually sticks. I’m happy for you that you can recognize it and not take on the way your father sees it in a moment of anger. If you can try to speak with him when things calm down that may be an idea but if it’s the type of relationship where you need to keep those boundaries, then try reminding yourself gently that you’re doing the best you cannot please everyone. I once heard a quote although i don’t remember the exact words, the concept was that you can be a delicious mouthwatering juicy peach and there will be people who don’t like peaches. The idea being is that you’re doing your best to get healthier, be a family member etc., and not everyone will see that and applaud you for it and that doesn’t mean your off kilter. Stay strong!

    Beautifully stated @Chany! I liked your example of the peach… I hope @Chavy will find this helpful. (You guys have such similar usernames I get so confused when you’re in the same conversation 🙂 ) I think it’s especially appropriate to pat yourself on the back over here as you are actively working on this issue (helping at home) and it’s not like you’re telling yourself you are ok in an area you aren’t addressing right now.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you Banana and Chany for your support and validation. I was talking to both my psychiatrist and therapist about it and they pointed out that my father was very overwhelmed and couldn’t deal with the additional stress and see my perspective. @Chany, I like your analogy of a peach. It’s unfortunate but true.

    “I’m happy for you that you can recognize it and not take on the way your father sees it in a moment of anger.” It’s really really hard not to let myself get crushed by his words (he means well…) and to realize that I’m doing what I can and trying. When he says something like that, doubts sets in, making me doubt my progress. It’s hard not to let him outweigh my progress. When dealing with OCD, it’s tricky to be sure of myself in terms of making progress…

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    Chany
    Participant

    Yes, i totally hear that and it can be very hard to measure your progress in general and especially with ocd since the issue at hand is wanting certainty of progress and ocd never lets you have complete certainty. Good for you that you leaned on your therapist and psychiatrist for support – that’s what they’re there for and so happy they were able to be there for you. Those are the people you need to rely on at this time to be honest with you in terms of your progress etc. If they can point out the areas of progress and you can see it from their perspective it will be easier to recognize your dads comment as a hurtful comment but not a reflection of your personal progress. Still hurtful but more tolerable. And yes i was gonna say that this pre pesach time is so stressful for everyone in different ways that we almost need to put on a thicker skin to not get too hurt by peoples comments…

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    Banana
    Participant

    Couldn’t say it better than @chany did!

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you Chany for your response. It is so beautifully said! It gave me the perspective of “how” to measure my progress – based on my therapist and psychiatrist. Thank you 🙂

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    Chany
    Participant

    Glad that was helpful! pleasure.

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