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    Fern Weis
    Participant

    As the parent of an adult child in recovery, I discovered that my own ‘recovery’ was just as important as his. This all started in high school, when our child and our family crashed and burned. With help from a wilderness program and Hyde School, a specialized boarding school of family-based character education, I learned a critical lesson: If nothing changes at home, then nothing changes. If his growth and learning wasn’t supported at home, then it would be lost.

    This was the bottom line, for parenting, addiction, and relationships in general. When I change how I react and respond to those around me, they change, too (hopefully, for the better). The challenge is getting through my own fears and needs. They often derail my best intentions, so that is my work: to become aware of my triggers, to find the calm place, to learn how to communicate just the facts (without all the emotion), and to set and stick to boundaries.

    What’s so amazing is that what I learned through struggle and fear and crisis is really what I needed to learn all my life anyway. The fear never goes away – life and unpleasantness happen, after all. But I’m handling it better now, spend less time being stuck in it, coming out more positive and whole, and better able to support the people I love.

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    Chany
    Participant

    So true. thanks for sharing this important reminder. The sooner we realize that we can only change our actions and behaviors and not those around us the less pain we experience in the long run.

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    anonymous
    Participant

    So true. thanks for sharing this important reminder. The sooner we realize that we can only change our actions and behaviors and not those around us the less pain we experience in the long run.

    Yes It takes a lot of courage to accept that we can only change ourselves, and actually do it.
    Thanks for the awareness!

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    d.f.
    Participant

    ditto to all this. In a way its comforting to realize that we can change ourselves and don’t have to waste our energy and efforts trying to change others. Anyone feel me?

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    Fern Weis
    Participant
    Topic Author

    I do indeed.  We really can’t change the other person, so we might as well put our efforts into the person we can change… and feel empowered, too.  Changing old mindsets is difficult, and yet the work is rewarding, and good things happen when I do it.

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    Fern Weis
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you, Chany.  Yes, it’s the Serenity Prayer, yet again.

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    GordonGoad
    Participant

    Setting the boundaries is crucial in this case. Despite all the love and desire to help an addicted one, we should’t disappear into another person.

    When I had the same problem with my wife, I just tried to stay by her and studied all the information available on addiction in order to understand her addiction better. I also find a good rehab for women here https://addictionresource.com/drug-rehab/women-only/and did my best to provide her with all the comfortable facilities there. And the most difficult thing was just to leave her there and give her some time without feeling guilty.

    GordonGoad,

    It sounds like you found the right balance for supporting your wife while maintaining your own mental health. Setting boundaries and holding onto your independence is often difficult when there is addiction and codependence. However, each relationship is unique and a lot may also have to do with what each party can and can’t handle for their own sense of stability.

    Chaya Rochel

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

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