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    cnjourney
    Participant

    Hey, I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life and as a result have a hard time developing relationships. I feel so lonely, at the same time so hesitant to form relationships. I see a therapist and I guess that will help me eventually but it just feels so slow. I really feel that forming relationships would help me in that I would have some to confide in and share with and that it would really help me heal- at the same time I just feel so stuck and not capable of doing that. Does anyone have any advice?

    longing and lonely but avoiding

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    VegetableLover
    Participant

    Aw! That must be so hard! I wish I had advice, one day when I’m wiser… 🙂 for now sending my love! Rooting for you and I’m sure you’d make a great friend!🤍

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    SometimesConfused
    Participant

    Hi! I relate to you so much! I went through a traumatic experience which resulted in me developing attachment issues. For a long time I was nurturing unhealthy relationships, not understanding that there was something wrong. I am in therapy now and I believe the key is to have confidence in your ability to move forward. You can heal from the trauma over time with the help of a professional by being open and honest with them, while being able to take their advice and use it practically. All my relationships were going downhill because I didn’t have the tools to be able to give to others with healthy boundaries. I would say to focus now on yourself and discovering ways to create a life you love, without relying on others to fill the void of loneliness. Create a healthy relationship relationship yourself! Learn new hobbies, do things you love, learn how to enjoy being by yourself.. I’m not saying your loneliness will be cured, I’m just giving some advice on how to alleviate the loneliness throughout the healing process. For therapy to work it takes time and effort, but in the long run, you will eventually be able to create healthy relationships with people! Good luck with everything!

    -my 2 cents

    Hey cn, so sorry for everything you’ve been through.

    Amazing for you though that you’re seeking help for this.

    Even after all the help and skills we get, if we still feel lonely the work can feel very ‘blah’

    While there’s no one way to go about this, I’m wondering if you’e been able to unpack some early attachments and relationship forming experiences you’ve had to gain some more insight.

    Additionally, in DBT there’s a whole section of building meaningful relationships. if your therapist is not familiar i’d be happy to email you some information on that as well

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    cnjourney
    Participant
    Topic Author

    In response to Yehuda (Hudi) Kowalsky's post #12973:

    id love to see what you have on DBT that can help. My email is emotionalneglect@gmail.com

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Yes, we’ve been there & done that. The first and most important factor to getting out of this situation (in my humble opinion) is draining all trauma thoughts [for a few minutes a day] and focusing on trying to finding who you are beyond the trauma and what you want in life. (Yes it’s possible to think outside of trauma for a few minutes, even when you’re not yet healed)
    And from there you can take your personal identity to meeting and identifying with new people
    (Again I’m not a doctor, only my humble experience) all the best

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    I found an intensive therapy program with a group very helpful (onsite, fresh start, I’m sure there are others)

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    In response to SometimesConfused's post #12868:

    Being your own best friend doesn’t replace the loneliness. It’s two separate things. They’re connected, sure, because if you’re very lonely, then you might lose yourself to make friends but just being your best friend won’t cut it if you’re alone all day. We’re social creatures – yes even the introverts.. Learning this now…

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Omg! Literally feel like this is me! I’m single and live on my own. Very scared to make relationships due to past. Wow! So good to hear not alone.

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13049:

    If you love yourself then you will automatically become more attractive to others

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    I think it’s a process. At least for me it was that way. Through healing I was able over the years to form relationships that helped me through the tough times. It’s hard when we have no one though. I hope you are able to find at least one person until you are ready to form more relationships. Good luck!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    In response to SometimesConfused's post #12868:

    Agree! 👍

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

    Hi cnjourney,

    Feeling isolated and a longing for close relationships while also feeling scared of engaging in close relationships because of trauma is a deeply lonely and painful reality.  I think you can trust your intuition and if it’s telling you now is the time to learn how to forge relationships, then go with it.  One recommendation is to look into support groups where there is social support for a common trauma or life experience.  This way, you will be with people who “get it” and may also find it intimidating to form relationships, and together you can learn to trust, feel safe, be emotionally vulnerable, and thereby gain a sense of belonging, connection, and friendship.

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    iamafighter15
    Participant

    Hey!

    First of all I feel you. Being lonely is one of the most painful feelings that a person can have. I went through feeling alone for many years. Around me I had people, but I felt so alone inside..

    Right now I’m happy to say that no longer the case. Feel free to message me.

    Good luck!!

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