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    Ban Colman
    Participant

    What is the core essence of Self Esteem?

    meaning which needs has to be fulfilled in order to live with self esteem?

    i noticed that in order to experience love it’s important to fulfill the need of  Safety and respect, in order to let your love flow you must feel safe and without respect you will not feel comfortable to let yourself being  vulnerable.

    does it make any sense to you?

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    Chany
    Participant

    interesting topic. I once read or heard that self esteem = the relationship you have with yourself. Therefore a good self esteem means you respect yourself and and have a positive self image this allows you to connect with others in a healthy adaptive way. a low self esteem means that you don’t love yourself and consciously act as your own worst critic. One can understand then how you would have a difficult time loving and respecting others.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    What an interesting topic! I like “your” definition of self esteem. You hit in on the button. However, I personally feel that i can like (and respect – which is much harder) others even though I have a low self esteem. I mean, I like my friends and enjoy spending time with them. Do you mean that one can’t truly love them if loving themselves is lacking?

    Ban Coleman, I definitely agree that without feeling safe and respected, it’s going to be hard to make ourselves feel vulnerable when necessary. (like speaking up at a meeting…) As I’m typing this, I’m thinking that feeling or not feeling respected can also be a result of a low self esteem. Just like when we’re self conscious about something, we think everyone notices it. It’s kind of then same here. Others might respect us. But our low self esteem taints that. I’m talking all from experience. I hope this makes sense or is of help.

    This is a really interesting conversation and it’s very much connected to a book i’m almost done “reading” called psycho-cybernetics (featured on this week’s 5PF!) The concept it drives home is the power of self esteem and self image and how we can create an improved self image on our own. To quote to give you an idea…

     

    “All your actions, feelings, behavior—even your abilities—are always consistent with this self-image. In short, you will “act like” the sort of person you conceive yourself to be. Not only this, but you literally cannot act otherwise, in spite of all your conscious efforts or
    will power. The man who conceives himself to be a “failure-type person” will find some way to fail, in spite of all his good intentions, or his will power, even if opportunity
    is literally dumped in his lap. The person who conceives himself to be a victim of injustice, one “who was meant to suffer,” will invariably find circumstances to verify his
    opinions.”
    <h6>Psycho-Cybernetics By Maxwell Maltz</h6>
    Therefore, i would agree that it does start with the relationship you have with yourself and what you choose to believe about yourself. We then find proof to prove that to ourselves. So @chavy your self image sounds to be one that you believe you have a low self esteem (don’t like yourself in one or many aspects) but can like and get along with others, hence you do. I know this doesn’t addresses everything here as this convo can run deep but its definitely some food for thought…

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    Banana
    Participant

    Great topic! Thank you all for sharing!!

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    Banana
    Participant

    Great topic!

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    Red4
    Participant

    The funny thing I find about self-esteem, and by extension, self-confidence, is that it fluctuates, which may be understood with the latter but people may not realize sometimes happens to the former. Sometimes I feel like I got where I am today because I have worked hard and used the talents that God gave me. Other times, I feel like my success is measured, everything was a fluke, and I am going to fail spectacularly any moment now. On top of that, I rarely project what I am feeling, especially regarding my esteem, because I see that as a weakness that I am not willing to share.

    I have been working this, though, and while I feel my self-esteem has been flagging a lot more lately, I am ironically okay with that. I realize my faults, fallacies, and fallibility (that alliteration was intentional 🙂 ) which I was previously too immature to acknowledge or understand. But now I can see that this is an opportunity for growth, and when I find myself feeling fatalistic, no matter how frequent it is, I stop, let myself have that moment, and then move on, taking one day at a time. Don’t just bury a negative feeling, because eventually you fill the hole and it overflows. Instead, meet it head-on, acknowledge it and understand why you are feeling that way in the moment, using it as ammunition to affect change for yourself.

    I am also extraordinarily lucky to have great, and honest friends, who will always tell me like it is. Even though it seems to be counter-intuitive, having people who truly believe in me enough to tell me when I am being ridiculous (either in a good way or bad) can do wonders. To answer your question @Chavy, you can love your friends even if you think you aren’t loving yourself; the way I see it, to some degree you must be feeling “worthy” of your friends, which believe it or not, requires a level of self-esteem. I often avoid/ignore my friends when I am feeling despondent, but then I realize that they respect and love me anyway, even knowing all the worst parts of me, and that realization alone raises my self-esteem. Does that make sense? Like I said, find your ammunition.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    The funny thing I find about self-esteem, and by extension, self-confidence, is that it fluctuates, which may be understood with the latter but people may not realize sometimes happens to the former. Sometimes I feel like I got where I am today because I have worked hard and used the talents that God gave me. Other times, I feel like my success is measured, everything was a fluke, and I am going to fail spectacularly any moment now. On top of that, I rarely project what I am feeling, especially regarding my esteem, because I see that as a weakness that I am not willing to share. I have been working this, though, and while I feel my self-esteem has been flagging a lot more lately, I am ironically okay with that. I realize my faults, fallacies, and fallibility (that alliteration was intentional  ) which I was previously too immature to acknowledge or understand. But now I can see that this is an opportunity for growth, and when I find myself feeling fatalistic, no matter how frequent it is, I stop, let myself have that moment, and then move on, taking one day at a time. Don’t just bury a negative feeling, because eventually you fill the hole and it overflows. Instead, meet it head-on, acknowledge it and understand why you are feeling that way in the moment, using it as ammunition to affect change for yourself. I am also extraordinarily lucky to have great, and honest friends, who will always tell me like it is. Even though it seems to be counter-intuitive, having people who truly believe in me enough to tell me when I am being ridiculous (either in a good way or bad) can do wonders. To answer your question @chavy, you can love your friends even if you think you aren’t loving yourself; the way I see it, to some degree you must be feeling “worthy” of your friends, which believe it or not, requires a level of self-esteem. I often avoid/ignore my friends when I am feeling despondent, but then I realize that they respect and love me anyway, even knowing all the worst parts of me, and that realization alone raises my self-esteem. Does that make sense? Like I said, find your ammunition.

    Red4, Thank you for your response. It’s great that you see reaching out to others as a tool for growth (support) and that you’re working through it. I just want to understand:  Would you be able to elaborate on feeling worthy of having friends? I never thought of it that way. It’s amazing that your friends see you for who you are. Although I am very open, I often wonder if my friends are judging me (though that could be the OCD part of me). I do think that most of them respect and love me, b”H.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    Red4, it’s great that you’re recognizing that reaching out to others is a sign of strength and is a tool to help you grow. You’re so right about acknowledging our feelings, sitting with them and then moving on. I personally find it hard to sit with my feelings (which I’m working on) and I’m wondering if you find it to be draining/tiring bc of the many times you’re doing it. Regarding friends, though I am open, i often wonder if they’re judging me.. (that could be my OCD talking). B”H, I do think they are accepting and respect me. Would you be able to elaborate on feeling worthy of having friends?

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    Red4
    Participant

    Chavy,

    1) Not all methods work for everyone, and yes, sometimes it gets draining, so it’s best not to sit on your feelings for too much time. However, when I am really being introspective and not just feeling self-pity, it can actually be invigorating, often because I realize what I am doing and decide that it’s enough. So I’m in my twenties and still single? Big whoop. I am more or less healthy, I have great friends, a degree… So I pick myself up and do whatever I need to (usually the task that brought on the feelings).

    Going to the gym is great too by the way, for so many reasons.

    A couple of years ago I adopted a mantra for myself: “It can always be worse.” It seems so pessimistic, but when you think about it whatever your situation is, it can be worse, so take a moment to complain and move on.

    2) regarding friends, I have been with my closest friends for ten years now, since the beginning of high school, and we have been through a lot together. We are no longer at the stage where we feel the need to do things for each other or be in constant company to maintain the friendships;  I want to give to them, I know I love them, and sometimes I feel all this the most when I do ignore them and they are still there for me (I know because I did this recently due to, well, a lot.) Each friend plays a different role in my life, and I have had moments of honesty with all of them that built that connection. I no longer judge them, so I would assume the same for them. (Remember, honesty and acceptance works both ways.)

    I guess it’s not a knowledge that I am worthy of them, but a feeling that we deserve each other. It took a few years to solidify our group, but through marriages, babies, the occasional intense argument or fight, or just plain stupidity, we are still going strong (although whatsapp helps). I am worthy of them because they are worthy of me.

    I don’t if that was a clarification or just me gushing about my friends but either way I hope it helped.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    Hi Red4. Thank you for clarifying and yes, it did it help. I like your mantra of “it can always be worse.” It sounds negative, but I think it helps put things into perspective.

    I hear you about friends.  We all judge, and as much as I hate it, I judge too. I would say my judgment stems more from my low self esteem and comparisons. Like you said, it goes both ways.

    Thank you for taking the time to respond! Much appreciated.

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    Red4
    Participant

    Absolutely. In regards to judging friends, I may do so on occasion unfortunately, but my friends deserve my honesty so I will say it to them as kindly as I can. If it’s a valid point that they can use, they will. Otherwise they will say thanks, but no thanks. That can also be a sign of esteem for both you and your friends.

     

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    Really like this thread. I envy that you are so ok with yourself and can say big whoop and feel it. I can’t help but feel “less than” the married people in my life even though i don’t envy them i just feel like thats how others view me and i take it on. I’m not trying to blame others or community, i know its about me and if i felt great about myself none of that would affect me.

    I am worthy of them because they are worthy of me.

    This is my absolute favorite. It should be plastered to a wall. It’s so true. I think you guys need to take a moment to be thankful for your good friendships. i feel like I’m about the same age range as you and single as well and I can’t say the same for my friends. They are good but they can be catty sometimes, There is an underlying fear and competition streak that i feel in some way where they fear abandonment of someone getting married and leaving the group or the relationship. Again maybe thats my projection but i think it goes both ways. i think relationships also go through waves and cycles. Sometimes we feel closer and sometimes more distant and the trick is not letting the relationship define our self worth but recognizing that we are worthy because of who we are, what we’ve been thru, and how we show up each and every day despite how others perceive, relate, or react to us. to me that’s the level of no strings attached and its the most self serving in a healthy way. Idealistic, i know but also something to aim for as opposed to feeling self value because of how we are doing with friends etc…

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    Red4
    Participant

    @alwaysworried sometimes it’s a little whoop, and sometimes no whoop at all. But the point is to step back and reach that point where you realize your perspective is colored in the moment and if you keep telling yourself that you are ok, accepting what you cannot change and changing what you can, you’ll find that you can feel this way too.

    “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” -Reinhold Niebuhr (as commonly used for AA, but applicable nonetheless)

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    Thank you red4. you’re so right. After i posted i was like yikes maybe I’m just in a bad mood right now. But your response makes me feel better, like its ok that was my perspective then and feelings change. I love that quote, it hits the spot time and time again. somethings never get old.

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