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    SometimesConfused
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    Break ups without closure hurt so much. Especially when you knew from the start that this was a deep pit of toxicity, but you did it anyway. It’s like there was an uncontrollable force inside of me pushing me towards the other person. I didn’t where to look for guidance because I was so embarrassed to bring this issue up to anyone I trusted to help me. I felt like I was subconsciously manipulating the relationship into formation the way I desired, in order to fill a gaping hole inside of me. But with every relationship I fall into, I keep enlarging the pit and end up going through the intense pain of rejection. I feel like I’m screwing up my future marriage before it even started and while I’m getting help, I can’t imagine I’d ever get to a place where I will be completely over the pain. It’s as if I’m attracted to unhealthy relationships while I’m turned off by a healthy one. Any advice on moving on and not falling into pits of pain and depression? I’ve been through this one too many times.

    Wow. Your awareness is profound.

    What you describe is not uncommon.

    The attachment patterns that we experience as children are so powerful that we may subconsciously recreate these patterns in our adult relationships. You seem to be aware that there’s something compelling about certain dynamics even though they are unhealthy relationships. In therapy, I would explore early attachment patterns and its impact on your adult relationships, and you will begin to understand the dynamics that you are drawn to -despite them being unhealthy.

    Have you done this work with your therapist?

    Getting a deep understanding of this will actually stop you from “screwing up your future marriage,” and will have given you space to heal and become empowered  to seek out more healthy relationships.

    You definitely have what it takes!

     

     

     

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    SometimesConfused
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    In response to Shaya Hecht's post #12869:

    Hi! Thanks for your response!! So I’ve been taking to my therapist about unhealthy friendships and lack of boundaries and how it stems from different things in childhood. But when it comes to romantic relationships, how am I so sure it’s because of my childhood and not the emotionally, sexually manipulative experience I was a victim of when I was 14. Does that have some significance? Or is it only patterns of childhood attachment causing this?

    I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.

    Yes, absolutely. Unresolved trauma can bring about re-enactments of the trauma.

    My intention was to keep an open mind, and explore how any of your earlier relationships whether as a child or adolescent can be impacting your romantic relationships today.

    I want to be clear that I don’t know you, and I’m not pegging your struggle on this at all. I’m just offering it as one possibility to explore, since it seems that this pattern is repeating itself.

    If you are in trauma-informed therapy, you are in good hands, and I’m sure you’ll come out with the healing and tools you deserve!

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    SometimesConfused
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    In response to Shaya Hecht's post #12876:

    Thank you so much!!

    Hi Sometimes, ouch is right!

    To echo what Shaya said, your insight seems to be profound and deep.

    Hopefully, as you continue to process and do the work that insight will lead to genuine self acceptance and love which can then guide you thru these tumultuous relationship patterns.

    We need relationships in our life and we have an inherit need to be seen, it’s finding safety in that process that can be super tricky!

    Wishing you only joy on your journey!

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    SometimesConfused
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    Topic Author

    In response to Yehuda (Hudi) Kowalsky's post #12967:

    Thank you!! I appreciate your response 🙂

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    Chaya Danziger
    Participant

    Hi,

    It sounds like you have been through a lot with relationships and appear to be attracted to unhealthy individuals. I echo Shaya in that the trauma you endured during childhood is  stuck in your brain the way it was when it occurred. As you continue to do the work to process your painful past, you will hopefully see yourself in a healthier perspective and begin to form relationships with individuals who are healthy as well.

    Good luck to you!

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    SometimesConfused
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    In response to Chaya Danziger's post #12987:

    Thank you! 🙂

    Hi <span class=”bbp-author-name”>SometimesConfused</span>.

    Again, thank you for sharing and asking the perfect questions. Yes, you are in what we call a cyclical cycle.

    I am a trauma specialist.

    The things you describe are definitely results of family relationship patterns and  events that your inner child is trying her best to understand and work through.

    The blessing in all of this is your inner child has tenacity, vigor, and chooses to get to the bottom of these cycles. Continue to encourage sher. Nurture her. Support her. Answer questions for her. Dig in and don’t run away from the hard stuff. That’s where the jewels and silver lining lies.

    Be patient, loving, and compassionate with yourself. Don’t measure your “failures” as mistakes. Measure them as clearing the path to EUREKA, success.

    Remember, pain is a perception. You can receive it as “Dang, I messed up again” or “I trust the process.”  and enjoy the adventure!

    All you need are tools, self love, trust that The Divine” has a plan if you are pliable.

    Blessings,

    Beverly

    http://www.theheartofwhatmatters.com

     

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    SometimesConfused
    Participant
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    In response to Beverly D’Amico's post #12991:

    WOW! I needed to hear this, Thank you!!

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