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    helpneeded
    Participant
    I dont think i need therapy but some kind of help just to guide me with my feelings My issues very briefly are as follows : my in laws dont have a good marriage theres always been arguments and fights being that my husband grew up in a warzone he decided his marriage will be different and BH it is but i cannot tolerate my mother in law not because shes my m.i.l but cuz of her extreme selfish personality i have tried over the yrs to accept it but its not working ! This past winter I married off a daughter bh!!! Its an emotional stressful time from there we went into purim and pesach more stress bh especially with having my in laws for yomtov them coming together for first time in six yrs as they have been separated. after pesach i collapsed & i havent been myself since every issue that comes up is a BIG deal ex: cleaning help is no good , finances are really bad , one kid needs tutoring, having very hard time losing weight etc
    I keep telling myself this is all from Hashem and trying to stay positive as i always am positive but its just not working these days
    Would love guidance on how to be myelf again really appreciate any advice you can provide as who to turn to and how to deal with my feelings would be greatly appreciated
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    alwaysworried
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    This sounds really tough. You say you don’t think you need therapy, but want someone to turn to to help you deal with your feelings. In essence that is what therapy is, so maybe think about that and reconsider. Therapy is not for crazy people or for failures, its for string people that want to function better with life’s challenges. It sounds like your going through a lot of family and life stressor stuff and learning how to deal with all the difficult emotions that are coming up can be life changing for you (in a good way). I’m not sure what you mean by collapsed? Maybe you can share why you’re against speaking to someone and also have you tried anything yourself to stay calmer amidst the chaos?  What are some things you’ve tried, what has worked? What hasn’t? Hang in there!

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    Mitchell
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    Maybe some family counseling or even just informal group discussions could help. Families are supposed to love, help, and support each other. If your mother in law is actually actively making your life worse, then that’s not okay! I know topics like this can be very difficult to bring up, especially with difficult people, but it sounds like this problem isn’t going to go away just by you finding a new way to cope with it. In order to solve the problem, you’ll have to address the root, which is your mother in law.

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    alwaysworried
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    In response to Mitchell's post #5564:

    I think your intentions are good @mitchell but i actually don’t agree because you CANNOT change other people. I think the only way to change the situation is by figuring what YOU can do to prevent, cope, keep distance etc and keep good self care to not destroy your life because of other unhealthy people.

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    helpneeded
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    Topic Author

    Thanks for your responses! So alwaysworried is correct shes not changing! I even once suggested she should get help(for her marriage) her response was “you find me someone good not too expensive maybe i.ll go”. …. I.ve tried being nice to her invited her many times but was resentful when shes comes as I cant stand the way she acts in alot of aspects (my husband is fully supportive and sees what shes all about). So i.ve tried staying away as much as possible but that too is not so possible as she is pushy to comme

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    helpneeded
    Participant
    Topic Author

    As for why i.m against therapy. I am sure therapy is great for others. I have been to therapy sessions with some of my kids and found it did help the issues but was very long and drawn out! I think that would make me more anxious and nervous then help besides i really dont have the time. I do go to the gym everyday that sometimes helps me get through the day. It used to help more! I also do take baths with relaxing esstential oils occassionally again I dont alway have time for that. Basically what i am looking for is when i feel upset frustated lost etc what can i do to chanel my feeings to positive???

    From your description, it sounds like you’ve been coping with a difficult relationship with your mother in law for a long time, and now you are in crisis. When we’re in crisis, it’s usually impossible to help our self and we needs others to help us.

    You wrote that your husband grew up in a war zone. Let’s continue that analogy. Soldiers are trained for battle, but when overcome by enemy fire, they radio for more troops or for air assistance. They’ve been trained to recognize when they won’t be able to fight the enemy on their own and call for back-up. It sounds like you are in a crisis right now and need back-up; otherwise you will be overcome by the battle that rages around you and within you.

    Until recently, you had found ways to cope and manage your life. After your daughter’s wedding, the holidays and your in-laws visit, you’ve found it impossible to cope with the ongoing challenges you face.  Although the challenges you listed are certainly difficult ones, they are not insurmountable. However, one must have inner resources to cope with them. It sounds like those inner resources elude you right now. It is wonderful to encourage yourself by recognizing that everything is from HaShem, but I can’t help wondering whether HaShem wants you to suffer.

    You ask for help and guidance on how to be yourself again and how to deal with all your feelings. When you say that you want to be yourself again, what you are really saying is that you believe in your capacity to cope; you’ve done it before and you want to be able to do it again. You have hope that you can find your way out of this.

    You asked how to deal with your feelings. Have you been able to process and understand them in the past or did you push them aside so that you could function? Sometimes our feelings threaten to overwhelm us so instead of facing them, we ignore them. That might seem like a good idea, but it isn’t. All our feelings are important. They are neither good or bad, they are just feelings. They do not go away just because we’ve ignored them. Right now, your feelings might be getting in the way of you handling the challenging yet routine problems of life-insufficient cleaning help, financial difficulties, a child who needs extra help and your own health. When your feelings are getting in the way of functioning, they need attention.

    So what guidance can I offer? Others have suggested that you find a therapist. You started off your post by saying that you don’t need therapy. It’s impossible for me to know what bias you might have against therapy, but why not think of therapy as a gift? You don’t have to keep suffering. HaShem wants all of us to be happy. If you can practice self-compassion by finding a therapist who you feel comfortable talking to and who gives you the idea that she understands, you can find the guidance that you call out for.   It feels scary to make the call but recognize that now is the time for you to call for back-up. You deserve to live.

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    helpneeded
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you michelle! I like that analogy of back up for the battle! Its making me look at the situation at a different angle I will look into finding someone to help me in this “battle”

    In response to helpneeded's post #5577:

    I’m glad that you found my words helpful.  Now, we can change the analogy from battle to adventure.  Wishing you success and  ultimately, peace, on your journey towards healing.

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    In response to Michelle Halle's post #5576:

    Wow @michellehalle i wanted to highlight every word in this post. The battle analogy is so powerful. I also completely agree with the concept and perspective that we deserve and Hashem wants us to be happy and healthy. Also, agree – therapy is a gift. It is difficult sometimes because it forces us to face truths we’d rather deny but ultimately when done right it is one of the best investments you can make for yourself.

    You say your a gym go-er which is great, as exercise helps your body stay healthy and in turn helps your mind function better as well. In my humble opinion and I’ve heard this somewhere and resonated with it, going to therapy is like going to the gym for the mind. It keeps you flexing your mental and emotional muscles to stay emotionally healthy, which in turn helps your body stay healthy as well. (Think : ppl who have so much stress or trauma which leads to direct physical issues. The mind body connection is too real to deny. )

    This doesn’t mean therapy has to be ongoing or forever. You can and will find someone and an approach the works well for you if you make it priority. Don’t give up on it just because it may take time to find a good fit. Just like you wouldn’t stop going to the gym because there’s a gym snob. You’d simply find another gym or stick around kinder people there.

    Lastly, kudos to you for not being STUBBORN. Like michelle said you have inner strength and hope that you will find your way out of this and if you hold onto that belief you certainly will find a way to make what you seek (aka inner calm and peace) your new reality.

    Best of luck and keep us posted!

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    CTab
    Participant

    I’d strongly suggest getting your husband involved to start some form of dialogue between the two of you. Would be interesting to hear his take on things.

     

    @alwaysworried I love how you describe therapy as an investment. Why not invest in your most valuable asset-yourself!

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    @alwaysworried I love how you describe therapy as an investment. Why not invest in your most valuable asset-yourself!

    thank you!

     

    In response to CTab's post #5581:

    I wouldn’t suggest that. It’s not your husbands job to see the peace between you and his mother. Hopefully he can and will support you in strengthening yourself to cope better with the dynamics etc. Best of luck!

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    Chavy
    Participant

    Wow, I’m blown away at all the responses! They’re all so practical and helpful. I also love @alwaysworried line: I love how you describe therapy as an investment. Why not invest in your most valuable asset-yourself!

    Therapy is indeed valuable. It’s valuable and even an obligation from a Judaic perspective. There’s a Chazal or quote from our sages that says: U’shimartem Es Nafshosechem. We can view therapy as a Mitzva (commandment) to take care of ourselves.


    @helpneeded
    , keep us posted and take care 🙂 Pun intended!

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    OnAndonAnon
    Participant

    why not think of therapy as a gift?

    So true!!

    In my experience growing up, therapy was always mocked. When I first went to therapy, I was so ashamed. Now, as a result of who I’ve become with 100’s of hours I’ve invested in me, I have no problem mentioning in conversation “my therapist told me…”

    I am who I am today thanks to that amazing gift.

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