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    Simplesimon
    Participant

    My son, now 25, has had a long history of mental illness and behavioral issues.  During his teenage years, he was in a residential facility for kids with similar issues.  In his last year away from home till he was 18, he was in a group home where he learned some skills on responsibility by doing chores, as well as coping skills.  When he turned 18, he chose to leave.  He came home, but eventually fell into is former behaviors again.  He often complains to my wife about the way she prepares food for him, while refusing to prepare food for himself.  He also complains about many other things, as well as clinging to my wife whenever he’s bored and he gets impatient very easily.  Whenever I discipline him he gets upset and gets into a fit either by banging on the walls his bedroom or banging his head against the wall.  He’ll also start crying really loud.

    I can’t live in peace in my house and I often wish I could somehow have him removed from the house or punish him physically.  Since I don’t want to do either, my anxiety flares up.  Unfortunately, my wife is more laid back and doesn’t handle this the same way.

    I am at a loss on how to handles the situation and I am sometimes tempted to harm myself.

    Hi Simplesimon,

    I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing this. It sounds incredibly heavy. I highly recommend reaching out to a mental health professional. If you are considering self harm, please contact the self harm crisis hotline.  

    Wishing you all the best

    Hi Simplesimon,

    This is a POWERFUL share! Thank you for your vulnerability.

    Question? Can he return to the group home? It sounds like he needs structure, routine, boundaries.

    He sounds like a very bright young man. He seems to be watching and observing the household dynamics.

    Sounds as though he needs activities outside of the home.

    Just my observation.

    I pry that these insights trigger a spark of clarity to enable you to choose an appropriate direction.

    Blessings,

    Beverly

    http://www.theheartofwhatmatters.com

     

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    I say love the child unconditionally because you don’t know what the child is really going though all you can do is say I’m hear for your and I see your in a lot of pain and I what to help you
    Don’t Force the child to listen and behave rather connect with the child instead of disconnect because what you’re going to do is create a bond and want to create a bond then you could actually heal the child
    I hope that helps good luck

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    I typed an answer but honestly feel like I can’t give advice to someone like this.
    It’s such a hard situation!
    I will keep them all in my teffilos!!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Oy that sounds so difficult:( maybe a support group might help? There are support groups for parents of children/adults with mental illness
    Also possibly a therapist might help? Maybe a couples therapist for you and your wife to be on the same page and support each other better? Either way hatzlacha!!! (And its good you haven’t hurt yourself, please please dont do it! – tip look up online what self harm does in the brain ans how it becomes an addiction r”l
    Thats been a good deterrent
    Hatzlacha!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    For the father:
    You need to look into getting help for yourself. Your son is old enough to find help for himself if he seems he thinks he needs it. Try to encourage him to start getting help and to speak to someone. When dealing with this you need to be very gentle and calm and treat them with the utmost love possible. A very big step in fulfilling a good goal in this is showing your child how much you love and respect him. You need to make a very strong bond and connection with each other and your wife. Please don’t harm yourself for this won’t help anyone in this situation. For your thoughts on self harm please seek advice on this and seek out a therapist. No one is perfect and that’s okay. Try to consider that a lot of these issues can be coming from you since you showed self harm and anger. This is my personal thoughts. Be well you got this. And don’t ever forget you and your son is enough❤‍🔥

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Wow, such a hard situation. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves and even if it’s your child, at a certain point you have to make a decision on what’s the best thing for the whole family. I don’t know if there are other kids involved but if there are, you also need to aware of that and how it’s affecting them.
    I think there is a limit of how much suffering you have to inflict on yourself bc of a family member. It’s hard when it’s your own child, but you don’t have to punish yourself forever. Give him the help he needs that also helps you. HatzLcha!!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13009:

    I would like to know about the support groups- maybe she knows more info

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13009:

    ❤️❤️
    There are such good people in the world! Gosh!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    This is so hard! I have a friend who’s family struggles with a very similar situation. He has some sort of chemical imbalance. All I can say is you’re such a strong person for pulling through. I don’t know how people manage. ❤️

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Why unfortunately? BH she sees it differently!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13018:

    Yes! I so agree! It might be two different extremes but with some effort the reactions can actually balance each other out!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    dinah18
    Participant

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13015:

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13015:

    I am also interested in support groups for parents of children with mental illness

    Hi,

    This is a really complex situation as you have shared because of your son’s history and mental health struggles as well as how you and your wife differ in your responses to the maladaptive behaviors.  Living with an adult child who does not know how to regulate his emotions and suffers from mental health challenges can be incredibly depleting and stressful.

    I echo the same sentiment that other posters have shared about therapeutic support being the way to go.  It’s great that you are clear about where you are holding emotionally in response to your son’s behavior, and it sounds like the way things are right now is not sustainable for you and your wife.  Some things that can be helpful to process with the help of a therapist would be not just how to navigate your son’s behaviors and your responses to them but also how to come up with strategies that both you and your wife are comfortable with and that you can implement consistently as a team.  Additionally, learning how to regulate yourself and create boundaries that protect your own wellbeing in this very challenging circumstance can not just help you feel more at peace but can also give you the mental space that is required of you to guide your son with self-regulation.  These are skills that are not innate, they are learned with the help of qualified therapists.

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