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I have a demon planted deep inside
It causes me such heartache, it takes me on an emotional ride
It is a fierce control over my emotions that I fight
It is a struggle that I have day and night
When I was growing up I felf so very alone
Feelings were not something that were allowed to be shown
I felt so much shame and so much confusion
I didn’t know what to do with my overwhelming situation
I would be hit with feelings galore
They would just enter without knocking on the door
Without any warning or without asking my permission
I was suddenly thrust into a whirlpool of emotions, knocking me out of commission
I then came up with a plan to help me cope
To always be on top of things in the full scope
never again will things reach a level of such magnitude
Where I will feel such shame and so misunderstood
I developed a control, which I have excersized for years on end
Perfected to an art to protect me and to be my best friend
It has been my allym constantly on guard
When my feelings were ratttled it has worked so very hard
Nothing will touch me, nothing will have me fazed
I managed to intimidate people and to have them amazed
Never do I look hurt or vulnerable
Always strong always stable
With a smile constantly on my face
Always happy and in good grace
Walking a tightrope so erect and straight
That is the image that I have managed to create
It has been my constant protection
It has saved me from utter devastation
But in reality I wasn’t living
Being a saint always giving
Never feeling real joy or real love
Always handling life with a silk glove
I am used to watching life from a sideline
Where nature is Real, it can rain, thunder and the sun can shine
Where life is lived in the fullest sense
No hiding, no pretense
I wish to totally crush the fiend that is my constant pest
My friend has turned into my biggest test
I am fighting an enemy of huge proportion
Who is constantly causing my brain such distortion
I have to always be aware
That My inner control will no effort spare
To foil all my work and all my plans of healing
It will make sure that I will not have to deal with any feeling
It doesn’t feel I am safe nor secure
To handle hardships any more
It so strong and so brave
Ready to conquer the stormiest wave
Hiding and blocking any hurt or joy that I might feel
Surpressing it all with the strenght of iron and steel
So although I may appear so happy and so surreal
Know that it is just a coverup it is not real
Because life is never a perfect piece of art
It has ups and downs, there’s lots of room in our heart
Because life is never a perfect piece of art It has ups and downs, there’s lots of room in our heart
My favorite line.
So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing!
This is so so beautifully written! Keep up your amazing progress @avacad0 🙂
In response to RomanticYente's post #4722:
I totally agree with you, but in my own experience being aware of a problem–especially internal ones–isn’t always enough to spark a change, which can be so frustrating! Like: I know what’s wrong and how to fix it (maybe) but I can’t follow through.
In response to CTab's post #4732:
Yes, i have that experience too but sometimes we just need more time and patience to try different things out, fail, and still not give up.
Wow @avacado you have great talent! your poems always feel so full of real emotions! They always inspire me, thanks.
I find myself going in cycles of trying to step back and allowing reality to take place, but then something very upsetting , or emotionally charging happens, and I i’m back trying to control outcomes, trying to pretend being very strong, calm or happy,so others should be ,or constantly trying to prevent situations from happening. I think once were used to trying to control its a life-long struggle of staying focused and excepting reality.
@anonymous, I feel the same way! I also try to take a step back, prepare myself by using a skill, but sometimes I’m back at the charging emotions. Yes, it’s really really hard to stay focused, try hard and accept whatever reality we’re in. That reminds me of a Dialectic – holding 2 seemingly contradictory truths at the same time. For me, it’s hard to stay focused while doing chores when my family is around and not get emotionally charged…
Thank you! I have had my journey of emotional upheaval. I do try very hard to deal with my underlying issues constantly. But I have found that at least when I am not able to concentrate and need to be present for my family and friends I work hard on keeping a smile on my face and a positive attitude ( when I possibly can), because as they say: “Fake it until you Make it”
Also I find that being that I am working very hard on letting go of control in my life in certain areas, when I keep pretending that I am happy and smiley it gives me a feeling of control amidst the chaos that I am feeling.In response to Chany's post #4745:
patience. something i struggle with so much. this is so true
