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  • Profile Photo
    avacad0
    Participant

    I have a demon planted deep inside

    It causes me such heartache, it takes me on an emotional ride

    It is a fierce control over my emotions that I fight

    It is a struggle that I have day and night

    When I was growing up I felf so very alone

    Feelings were not something that were allowed to be shown

    I felt so much shame and so much confusion

    I didn’t know what to do with my overwhelming situation

    I would be hit with feelings galore

    They would just enter without knocking on the door

    Without any warning or without asking my permission

    I was suddenly thrust into a whirlpool of emotions, knocking me out of commission

    I then came up with a plan to help me cope

    To always be on top of things in the full scope

    never again will things reach a level of such magnitude

    Where I will feel such shame and so misunderstood

    I developed a control, which I have excersized for years on end

    Perfected to an art to protect me and to be my best friend

    It has been my allym constantly on guard

    When my feelings were ratttled it has worked so very hard

    Nothing will touch me, nothing will have me fazed

    I managed to intimidate people and to have them amazed

    Never do I look hurt or vulnerable

    Always strong always stable

    With a smile constantly on my face

    Always happy and in good grace

    Walking a tightrope so erect and straight

    That is the image that I have managed to create

    It has been my constant protection

    It has saved me from utter devastation

    But in reality I wasn’t living

    Being a saint always giving

    Never feeling real joy or real love

    Always handling life with a silk glove

    I am used to watching life from a sideline

    Where nature is Real, it can rain, thunder and the sun can shine

    Where life is lived in the fullest sense

    No hiding, no pretense

    I wish to totally crush the fiend that is my constant pest

    My friend has turned into my biggest test

    I am fighting an enemy of huge proportion

    Who is constantly causing my brain such distortion

    I have to always be aware

    That My inner control will no effort spare

    To foil all my work and all my plans of healing

    It will make sure that I will not have to deal with any feeling

    It doesn’t feel I am safe nor secure

    To handle hardships any more

    It so strong and so brave

    Ready to conquer the stormiest wave

    Hiding and blocking any hurt or joy that I might feel

    Surpressing it all with the strenght of iron and steel

    So although I may appear so happy and so surreal

    Know that it is just a coverup it is not real

    Because life is never  a perfect piece of art

    It has ups and downs,  there’s lots of room in our heart

     

    Profile Photo
    Chany
    Participant

    Because life is never  a perfect piece of art It has ups and downs,  there’s lots of room in our heart

    My favorite line.

    So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing!

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    RomanticYente
    Participant

    wow, this is so beautifully written. I think that the first step is always being aware.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    This is so so beautifully written! Keep up your amazing progress @avacad0 🙂

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    CTab
    Participant

    In response to RomanticYente's post #4722:

    I totally agree with you, but in my own experience being aware of a problem–especially internal ones–isn’t always enough to spark a change, which can be so frustrating! Like: I know what’s wrong and how to fix it (maybe) but I can’t follow through.

    Profile Photo
    Chany
    Participant

    In response to CTab's post #4732:

    Yes, i have that experience too but sometimes we just need more time and patience to try different things out, fail, and still not give up.

    Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing this with us!

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    anonymous
    Participant

    Wow @avacado  you have great talent! your poems always feel so full of real emotions! They always inspire me, thanks.

    I find myself going in cycles of trying to step back and allowing reality to take place, but then something very upsetting , or emotionally charging happens, and I i’m back trying to control outcomes, trying to pretend being very strong, calm or happy,so others should be ,or constantly trying to prevent situations from happening. I think once were used to trying to control its a life-long struggle of staying focused and excepting reality.

     

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    Chavy
    Participant

    @anonymous, I feel the same way! I also try to take a step back, prepare myself by using a skill, but sometimes I’m back at the charging emotions. Yes, it’s really really hard to stay focused, try hard and accept whatever reality we’re in. That reminds me of a Dialectic – holding 2 seemingly contradictory truths at the same time. For me, it’s hard to stay focused while doing chores when my family is around and not get emotionally charged…

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you! I have had my journey of emotional upheaval. I do try very hard to deal with my underlying issues constantly. But I have found that at least when I am not able to concentrate and need to be present for my family and friends I work hard on keeping a smile on my face and a positive attitude ( when I possibly can), because as they say: “Fake it until you Make it”
    Also I find that being that I am working very hard on letting go of control in my life in certain areas, when I keep pretending that I am happy and smiley it gives me a feeling of control amidst the chaos that I am feeling.

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    RomanticYente
    Participant

    In response to Chany's post #4745:

    patience. something i struggle with so much. this is so true

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