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    orphaned
    Participant

    Its already a few years since my mom died but I still miss her like never before. Sometimes I am still overcome by a heavy blanket of grief that doesn’t let me move on. Can anyone relate? Any tips to make it easier to move on?

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    Dr. Joanne Royer
    Participant

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. it is unimaginable. I was widowed very young. this is many many years ago now. what i experience is grief is like the ocean. At first, its a tidal wave that knocks you to your knees and you take in salty, awful water. In time, I think the process of grief is like finding your footing. The waves can pound down on you but you may not take water in, you can stand and maintain your footing. some days there aren’t waves but ripples. Grief is very insidious. And you lose so much in many directions, not just the physical loss of the person. I don’t think there’s an easy way to go through grief. everyone makes it their own – there isn’t a recipe. What i can suggest is to be with your emotions. they can’t hurt you. really they can’t – that doesn’t mean they feel great – of course not. but be with them, see it as the waves and feel it ripple and break into the soft foam. sorry for the analogies, I love the water and in its power, there is also a gentle softness. Self-compassion is key. keep a list of your feelings and pay attention to what you may be thinking. with the holidays coming up, think about ways you can keep your Mom, a part of it, celebrate your memory of her in some way. think about what they were like, how you can honor her and you in a small way. Be kind to you, its a process.

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    Taketimetobreathe
    Participant

    Hi,
    Thank you for sharing your experience. I can certainly relate. I think the above post did a
    Beautiful job describing grief and how we can work with the grief instead of against it. For me it was and is a process of finding my footing and practicing acknowledging how i feel rather then running from it.

    Today happens to be the 8 year anniversary of my Mom’s passing. There is not a single day that goes by that i do not miss her. I am not sure if there is a day that i will
    Ever “move on,” but today i am able to sit with my feelings and reflect on her life and celebrate her memory rather then focus On the hole in my life and in my spirit.

    I am sending you love and light today. Be gentle with yourself if you can.

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    d.f.
    Participant

    yes. I’m so sorry for your loss. you say you still miss her like never before – I wonder if you mean that literally. if yes, do you think theres something that recently occurred that is making you miss her and feel intense grief more recently? Like when I miss someone I loved dearly that has passed away I can usually connect that intense wave to a current relationship or situation that is not nourishing me properly. This makes the earlier grief feel way worse. When i realize this, i try to find a way to get that relationship or situation more under control. It doesn’t make the grief go away but it is more in the shadow and feels so much more manageable. Also, anniversaries make the feelings more intense so if thats coming up for you that may be a trigger. I completely relate with what @drjoanne and what @taketimetobreathe shared. We got this-one day at a time!

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    orphaned
    Participant
    Topic Author

    yes. I’m so sorry for your loss. you say you still miss her like never before – I wonder if you mean that literally. if yes, do you think theres something that recently occurred that is making you miss her and feel intense grief more recently? Like when I miss someone I loved dearly that has passed away I can usually connect that intense wave to a current relationship or situation that is not nourishing me properly. This makes the earlier grief feel way worse. When i realize this, i try to find a way to get that relationship or situation more under control. It doesn’t make the grief go away but it is more in the shadow and feels so much more manageable. Also, anniversaries make the feelings more intense so if thats coming up for you that may be a trigger. I completely relate with what @drjoanne and what @taketimetobreathe shared. We got this-one day at a time!

    You are so on target! didn’t think about that!

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    Chany
    Participant

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. it is unimaginable. I was widowed very young. this is many many years ago now. what i experience is grief is like the ocean. At first, its a tidal wave that knocks you to your knees and you take in salty, awful water. In time, I think the process of grief is like finding your footing. The waves can pound down on you but you may not take water in, you can stand and maintain your footing. some days there aren’t waves but ripples. Grief is very insidious. And you lose so much in many directions, not just the physical loss of the person. I don’t think there’s an easy way to go through grief. everyone makes it their own – there isn’t a recipe. What i can suggest is to be with your emotions. they can’t hurt you. really they can’t – that doesn’t mean they feel great – of course not. but be with them, see it as the waves and feel it ripple and break into the soft foam. sorry for the analogies, I love the water and in its power, there is also a gentle softness. Self-compassion is key. keep a list of your feelings and pay attention to what you may be thinking. with the holidays coming up, think about ways you can keep your Mom, a part of it, celebrate your memory of her in some way. think about what they were like, how you can honor her and you in a small way. Be kind to you, its a process.

    like the idea of making space for the loved one during the holidays instead of trying to avoid the void.

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    Dr. Joanne Royer
    Participant

    @taketimetobreathe ~ years sometimes just feel like yesterday, doesn’t it? Sending you virtual hugs

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    orphaned
    Participant
    Topic Author

    @taketimetobreathe ~ years sometimes just feel like yesterday, doesn’t it? Sending you virtual hugs

    Thats so true! But sometimes it also feels like ages. Like Iv changed soooo much and she isn’t even here to see it.

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    Dr. Joanne Royer
    Participant

    @orphaned first its great that you noticed how much you have changed since your mother’s passing. The great news is that whatever your beliefs are around death, after life, etc., you get to choose what you want to believe (as children we really don’t as we are learning and taking in what our parents, family, believe). That being said, how would you choose to think of where your mother is now, is she able to still be “with” you spiritually, do you think she knows you’ve changed? You get to decide what you believe about it all. So how would your Mom feel and what would she think about your changes? It sounds as though she would be amazed and proud of your courage, strength, fortitude….what do you think. How would you describe your changes. What did it take to step into your changes? You get to decide what you want to make it all mean. I hope there is comfort in this LONG reply…working on being brief but I’m a work in progress on  that! LOL.

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    orphaned
    Participant
    Topic Author

    @drjoanne There sure is comfort in that reply! As much as I try to believe that she sees everything it is still hard that she isn’t physically here and I can’t see her reactions though in many situations I do try to imagine what she would think and that certainly makes it easier.

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    Dr. Joanne Royer
    Participant

    @orphaned I am so glad you work hard to imagine her with you – the first is to recognize in yourself all your strides which it sounds like you do, congratulations, not everyone allows themselves to see their strengths and achievements, we are so critical on ourselves. Sending virtual hug and high fives your way!

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