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    tst756
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    I was just following your post about what to say to a friend who had a miscarriage and I’m wishing my friends were reading it.

     

    I had a miscarriage very recently and I shared with a friend, who was very supportive right in the begining, when I had a d&c, but has now completely dropped the ball. She will continue to ask me about other things, but no questions about how I’m doing, no thoughts of caring, and this really hurts. I love her as a friend and I don’t want to lose the friendship over this but the pain of seeing her go about her life and be busy with other things, while forgetting that I exist and am in pain is just too painful. Maybe she thinks I have other people to talk to, but I shared with her because she is a friend and I trusted that she could be there for me. I get that sometimes it’s hard to bring up, or to know how to be there in the right way, but this feels like a huge rejection and betrayal. I don’t want to say something to her, that feels too artificial, I don’t need to force her to remember that I exist and that I need her. But it’s gonna hurt for a long time. What should I do?

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    tst756
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    Also to add, I wonder if maybe the friendship doesn’t mean as much to her as it does to me, and I’m waiting for her to notice me, but she isn’t really gonna do that, because maybe I need her more than she needs me?  I never felt that way about our friendship before, but I just wonder if maybe I was misunderstanding how she valued our friendship all this time? I hope that’s not the case because I didn’t see it that way before, I’m just trying to make some sense of this rejection.

    Hi tst756,

    I am so sorry that you’ve been going through this and that in addition you feel so alone.

    It’s a very tricky place to be in as you’ve mentioned your friends are most probably unsure about where to place themselves and it can feel awkward for you to bring it up to them especially if it’s more than once.

    Generally the way that we understand people and their behaviors is through patterns.  If a friend’s flaw for example presents itself in your interactions many times, that’s a pattern.  And based on these patterns, we can then make a decision (which is oftentimes an ongoing decision) about whether we want that relationship and how much of it we want.

    You’ve mentioned that this is a first for your friend so that makes me think her lack of support is less indicative of a pattern that points to a flaw or blindspot and more indicative of the common confusion as to how to best support you.  Oftentimes I find that when we human beings are in doubt or feel confused, we either avoid or just move past that point rather than clarify.

    My suggestion takes a lot of courage, strength, and vulnerability but it can help you feel better in the long run when it comes to how to view your friend and your friendship, how to understand other friendships, and how to get the support you need and so deserve during this crucial time.  My suggestion is that you have another conversation with your friend, telling her how much it meant to you to have the first conversation you shared and that it would mean so much to you if she continued to check in with you about this miscarriage.  You can acknowledge that you understand that people may be hesitant to bring up subjects of pain but that for you, it actually makes you feel supported, known, and cared for, and that you encourage and welcome questions as they make you feel understood.

    Having support during this time isn’t just comforting it can also be healing and it’s definitely something you deserve to seek and experience.

    Wishing you healing and comfort,

    Michali

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