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    I used to be okay. Intense, deep, extremely gravitational… unhealthy but okay.

    As the days went by I moved with them… Well a part of me at least.

    But the larger the gap became between today and when I left part of myself, the bigger the hole seemed to become. And the bigger the hole became, the more pain I felt.

    But I filled the hole with distractions and life, fun and wild insanity. But mostly with relationships. Deep, intense, addictive and unhealthy relationships. But this is not about all of that rather its about one relationship. One ultimate distraction, the biggest way to cover up the pain of my experiences.

    The relationship was insanely fulfilling it the worse most unhealthy way possible… And I would never have wanted it to end… Still don’t. But it did, for one of us as least.

    She got married, I pushed her to go to therapy and work through her trauma’s so that she can stay married and live a real happy and fulfilling life… At the time, I didn’t realize that it would leave me here again, with the huge hole re-opened, now with more pain.

    And everything is coming back. Every negative comment, every hit, every manipulating compliment and every painful touch that you covered up… its all here, its all back and its taking control.

    I feel like me but without me.


    @modest thanks for opening up, the pain you are expressing here seems to runs very deep.

    At those moments of raw pain, when we feel open and exposed also lies the greatest time to clean out, and start again as excruciatingly painful as that process can be.

    I trust that through the resources available here you can find an appropriate healer as well as group of supporters who can help you through this difficult time.




    Your words are so well expressed and so clearly come from a very deep place. You seem to understand yourself and what led you to engage in unhealthy relationships. These relationships filled a real need that still exists and needs to be filled. However, I wonder where the gap in understanding your Best Friends’ need for healing is and yours. In such a caring and nurturing way you encouraged her to process her trauma so that she is able to live her life in the fullest possible way. Where is this voice for yourself? Why are you denying yourself the same care and future that you so strongly entitle to your friend?


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    Hi you. The you who feels without yourself. You are deep, you are in pain, and you really really get to receive help, no matter what excuse may come up. Sounds so excruciatingly hard what you write…because being without yourself is one of the most painful things someone can feel. you are brave to reach out like this. And you do know that people deserve to get help and to get better, because you advised this to your friend which I think is special. If you are not in a place where you feel you can reach out and put in the effort to find yourself a proper therapist or good healing environment, perhaps can you pretend that you are your friend and do as if you were telling her what to do? No matter what voices come in..just to think of it as your friend for now? Just now so to save urself and get urself in good hands. I’m saying this because I know that for me in session when I am stuck in a cycle feeling like I am a hopeless human being and dont make sense, if I try to make sense of myself fully thinking as if it were my friend- I can make sense of things that way.

    Remember that you are brave and that you can just take one step at a time without thinking about this whole huge gap you have that needs to be dealt with.

    We are here for you.



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