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  • This topic has 34 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 3 years ago by Profile PhotoCTab.
  • Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 35 total)
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    Red4
    Participant

    First and foremost, you are neither old nor second-string. To reiterate what others have said, you are more mature now (hopefully) and you have taken this opportunity to learn more about yourself, as is evident by starting this thread.

    Having said that, heartbreak is real, and to some extent I can understand your feelings based on my own experiences, and I definitely empathize. Time heals all wounds, etc. and if you allow it to, it can help you here as well. It’s difficult to forget your “first love,” but the feel-goods that you had when you were with her? I promise you that it is possible to feel that again.

    It sounds like you never really thought this girl was a match for you nor were you attracted to her personality. It does sound like you shared something with her that very few people know about you; something you may have thought would turn her away, yet she saw past that and stayed with you. It sounds like that is what kept you together and kept you feeling this way for so long.

    I was thinking somewhere along these lines as well. Whatever you felt during that time could have been very real. But dating in the frum community is that much more confusing because this is the first time that most of us start creating any sort of meaningful relationship with someone of the opposite gender. It can be very confusing to understand what we feel, between, “love”, “lust”, “attraction,” or just “like.” When you share something very personal with someone as it seems you have, it forges a connection and generates a feeling that often feels like love, or at least an intense attraction. That doesn’t mean it isn’t, but that doesn’t mean it is. I generally feel more connected to someone after a deep conversation, and it has fostered some great friendships. But I have had some deep moments with other girls, or guys on dates, and the connection I felt turned out to be fleeting.

    Anyway, in the end, we are humans and destined to overthink and regret many, if not all aspects of our lives. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is work on forgiving yourself, and her as well, if you haven’t already. Also, part of a person’s unwillingness to let go is fear of putting himself out there and getting rejected. Don’t let this be you. You don’t want another girl who will see you as she did; you want someone who will see you in their own way, and that will be better.

    Hatzlacha.

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    Chany
    Participant

    Anyway, in the end, we are humans and destined to overthink and regret many, if not all aspects of our lives. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is work on forgiving yourself, and her as well, if you haven’t already. Also, part of a person’s unwillingness to let go is fear of putting himself out there and getting rejected. Don’t let this be you. You don’t want another girl who will see you as she did; you want someone who will see you in their own way, and that will be better.

    so perfectly put. I can use this for other relationships as well.

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    I didn’t think as deeply as everyone else here but i have to admit these insights are impressive.

    But dating in the frum community is that much more confusing because this is the first time that most of us start creating any sort of meaningful relationship with someone of the opposite gender. It can be very confusing to understand what we feel, between, “love”, “lust”, “attraction,” or just “like.” When you share something very personal with someone as it seems you have, it forges a connection and generates a feeling that often feels like love, or at least an intense attraction. That doesn’t mean it isn’t, but that doesn’t mean it is.

    this really spoke to me. i wish more people would realize this. It gets so confusing especially because we tend to feel pressured into engaging or marrying someone we don’t necessarily have that connection with. And we are not as experienced with these feelings as people outside the community are. This adds a layer of trickiness on top of all the pressure of fear of “single forever”. anyone feel me?

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    Wandering Jew
    Participant
    Topic Author

    I get you;  I recognize that feeling, for I have felt that way before.

    From an outsider perspective, I feel that I’d would be helpful to keep track of both emotions; the fear of being single, and the nature of connection.

    While fear may be a short term motivator, it cannot be the long term arbitrator of a commitment (should I pursue this or not),for it doesn’t speak of a healthy marriage.

    The connection piece should come from shared values, mutual respect, and a healthy attraction to one another.

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    Red4
    Participant

    @alwaysworried Definitely. Most of us are hardly prepared for the dating jungle, and yet we are expected to make these big decisions (sometimes even to make others happy, rather than ourselves).

    I can’t give you much more advice because I am still figuring it out for myself, but I would say to find someone you absolutely trust to discuss things with <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>objectively</span>. This is one of the biggest decisions you will ever have to make, so you shouldn’t be making it too quickly or lightly, no matter what anyone says. It’s okay to be unsure and ask for help; my friend occasionally sees a therapist for exactly this purpose.

    While fear may be a short term motivator, it cannot be the long term arbitrator of a commitment

    Just be aware there are people out there who will push this as their agenda, telling you to settle, or fake it till you make it. It does work for some, though, so it’s not for me to judge. I agree more with your description of a proper connection, but one need understand that is only the first step, and marriage requires continuous work no matter its onset. (This is why some people believe the connection will only come after the fact, when the couple has had to spend time together, learn how to resolve conflicts, and figure out what is really important in life.)

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    Banana
    Participant

    Wow, I just caught up on this awesome thread. The amount of brilliant advice here is truly inspiring. Thank you @Wandering Jew for bringing this topic up. Thank you @DDD @AlwaysWorried @Red4 @Chavy @AsherL (and anyone else I missed) for the input.


    @AsherL
    , welcome!

    @Wandering Jew, I’m also a guy on the forum  lol

    Just wanted to share a TED talk I recently saw that actually gives very similar advice to what’s provided here

    How to fix a broken heart https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart

    Hatzlacha!

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    wow. I love what wandering jew shared

    While fear may be a short term motivator, it cannot be the long term arbitrator of a commitment (should I pursue this or not),for it doesn’t speak of a healthy marriage.

    and i totally agree with this. I would like to add that i think its an ok initial motivator to help one be interested in making a connection but its not at all sufficient.


    @red4
    so so true yet i love how you put it. So many people push marriage agenda due to fear, settling, faking it etc,. It reminds me of a friend who recently divorced not because of any abuse or anything dramatic or traumatic but simply because the “adults’ in her life assured her that the feelings for her soon to be husband would intensify and they never did. She found herself 2 years into marriage with no connection to the person she was expected to spend the rest of her life with. I agree that for some it works but if it doesn’t feel right respecting your gut and being patient is the way to go i suppose. I wish we were more motivated by seeing beautiful marriages and relationships and less motivated by fear of being that older single. One day perhaps… @ banana i’m gonna check out that clip. Thank you

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    DDD
    Participant

    @banana I watched the ted talk! It’s great! Thanks for sharing

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    RomanticYente
    Participant

    I’m so glad that I found this forum. this is exactly what i needed this morning. last night i found out that my ex got engaged and I was feeling all of the weird feelings but reading this I’m feeling better and feeling that everything happens for a reason and I will have my time when the time is right.

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    Carver
    Participant

    The entire point of intimacy is giving or surrendering yourself up to somebody that you care for. From what I’ve read it seems like without you realizing it this is what happened. And now you feel as if–because she was the first–there’ll be no second chance to have what you both shared with someone else.

    That simply isn’t true my friend.

    You just have to understand that you can get over a relationship without forgetting or burying it. We don’t need a Forgetting Sarah Marshall moment, burning Polaroids and paraphernalia in a bid to “cleanse” ourselves of these memories.

    What matters is that you were both there for each other in the moments that mattered; but now it’s time for you to let this moment pass.

    Your jewelry example reminded me of a comic strip I saw some time ago. I think it might strike a similar chord with what you’re going through. But like so many other people on this thread have stressed–this isn’t the end. It’s a new beginning. But only if you’re willing to move on.

     

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    Chavy
    Participant

    In response to Carver's post #4979:

    Wow. This is so on mark and beautifully said! And, it’s a fresh and healthy perspective.

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    Carver
    Participant

    @Wandering Jew, have you made any more jewelry? What’s happened since you first posted?

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    Chavy
    Participant

    In response to Carver's post #4979:

    I just terminated with a therapist who I really liked but had to leave and I’m feeling very sad and down about it. but after i read this line in your post: What matters is that you were both there for each other in the moments that mattered; but now it’s time for you to let this moment pass. I’m understanding that I really enjoyed working with her, but now that I terminated, it’s time to practice moving on. I also like how you mentioned that we don’t need to bury relationships. We can keep the memories while working on acceptance and moving one. I’m talking to myself here.

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    Banana
    Participant

    In response to Chavy's post #5110:

    Good for you. Should be really proud of yourself!! A therapist is only there to help you and if you feel you need a new start, it’s important to give yourself that. You can always go back.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    In response to Banana's post #5112:

    Thank you! I’m currently seeing a new therapist. I actually can’t go back to her, and I would like to elaborate on that, but I don’t want to hijack this thread. I don’t know how many people are familiar with the traits of borderline, but one of the traits are idealizing or devaluing people. I had a very strong and unhealthy attachment with her and it got in the way of growing in therapy. The problem was that I was too attached to her and way too needy. I did a lot of transference with her and viewed her as a mother… Now that I terminated with her, it’s really hard on me. I’m in the grieving process (yes, grieving bc it feels like a loss for me). I can go on and on, but I don’t want to hijack this thread anymore, so maybe I’ll create my own thread for this.

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