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    WhatsAppers
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    I wouldn’t be so quick to jump to therapy. Obviously, I don’t know what you’ve tried so far, but there are other options that may be useful. If you have a mentor/Rebbi figure you both respect, it can be useful to sit down together and discuss it, if you feel discussing it between the two of you won’t be productive.

    If the situation is such where you feel you can’t express your feelings to your husband for some reason, then therapy could be the way to go. Couples counseling might be the way to go if you’re noticing this is a recurring difficulty in communicating, both in being express and receptive of each other’s messages.

    Yeshaya Kraus, LCSW

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    WhatsAppers
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    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13155:

    Yay

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13158:

    I like

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

    Such a good question. Sounds so frustrating to try to get someone, especially your husband to hear your point of view and it not going anywhere.

    I’m just wondering what you’ve tried in the past?

    A poll was taken with thousands of men. All of them were asked this question: How important it is to them that their wives are happy. They all said things like “it’s imperative”, “the most important thing”. Son knowing as a baseline fact that the most important thing your husband wants is for you to be happy, will enable your conversation to go very differently.

    Also, tune into your own feelings and desires as apposed to criticizing, complaining and controlling. In the past you might have said things like “I hate it here, we have to move back”. Or “You don’t care about what I want, only what you want”. This will automatically put your husband on the defense and build a fortress wall thinking he is under attack. His natural instinct to be your provider will get overrun by the need to protect himself.

    When he knows that he’s not in danger, he will show his tenderness and care for you. The way to do that is to speak with vulnerability. How do you feel and what do you want are the two most important questions you can ask yourself for self- awareness. So, do you feel lonely in Israel? Do you feel constricted? What’s a feeling word? Then, what do you want? Do you want to be near family? Do you want to make new friends? Get very specific with what YOU want, not with what you want to control your husband into doing for you.

    When you can express yourself purely, with no strings attached, i.e. expectations, demands… your husband will see an opportunity to please you. It doesn’t mean you’ll move back, but it does mean that you get to receive his tenderness and kindness and forge connections as opposed to discord and animosity.

    Lastly, when he expresses his thinking or desires, you don’t want to dismiss, contradict, or criticize them. All you want to say it “I HEAR YOU”. When he feels respected, he will respect and love you back!

    I hope this helps!

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    WhatsAppers
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    Therapy is a wonderful tool that could help both of you communicate better and for you to communicate your desires/needs in a safe place and in a way that they will be understood. I think that’s the root of the “issue” here.

    Speaking to a rav or a couples therapist would be my recommendation.

    I also find that sometimes getting your thoughts on paper helps you feel better and also help you organize your thoughts. Write him a letter or write yourself a letter (you don’t have to send it! Just let it all pour out).

    Also remember that every person struggles as an individual and within a relationship and there will always be times when you don’t agree on something and you have to communicate. You don’t need to pretend your happy or okay with the arrangement if you are not. Your feelings are valid and you should explore why you are feeling that way (perhaps the why can help you both find a compromise).

    You said “my husband is not even open to hear”….you’d be surprised how often husbands just want to make you happy, they just don’t like to feel attacked (specially if it’s an emotional sunburn). I’m sure with the proper communication, you will find not only a middle ground, but a feeling of safety and love that comes from achieving that type of closeness. Hatzlacha!!!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13155:

    Great! Hatzlacha raba!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13155:

    I’m happy to hear!

    –Anonymous WhatsApper

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    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13158:

    Why would you try to stay away from therapy?

    —Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    In response to WhatsAppers's post #13175:

    I’m a big fan of therapy (obviously; I’m a therapist), but I’m also a big fan of relying on current support systems to resolve problems wherever possible. I encourage attempting to talk things out with each other privately, or speaking it out with a trusted mentor first. If there is no such person, for whatever reason, a therapist is a great resource to give each spouse a safe space to express their concerns and respond to each other.

    Another point is that this is a hard discussion. People in relationships need to be willing to engage in hard discussions, hold space for each others’ concerns, and come to a conclusion together, by themselves, as much as possible.

    —Yeshaya Kraus, LCSW

Viewing 9 posts - 16 through 24 (of 24 total)

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