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    Hi Everyone,

    I’m in a bit of a sticky spot right now and can use your opinions and input. I’m actually in the hospital for suicidal issues, and at the same time my old eating disorder is creeping up and taking force (when I get depressed I stop eating and when I stop eating it triggers my old restricting patterns).

    I feel as if something hijacked my mind and I am attached again to my old eating disorder desires and beliefs, as well to the suicidal thoughts too. When I speak to my therapist she conveys the idea that I can stop it and commit to not engaging in the destructive behaviors whatever they may be. When I speak to her I feel as if I can really just stop it if I wanted to. But then again, I just feel so attached to the eating disorder parts and cannot just “stop”. I am very self aware around the nature of my issues and come across as knowing exactly what the problem is, and what I need to do to fix it. While this is a great thing, I also feel like when the professionals I speak to (my DBT team) hear me and see how aware I am, they may just say- “so you know what you have to do…” and they make it seem like I need to just change my mind and turn around my behavior….This in turn makes me feel crazy, and ashamed because- maybe if only I would stop restricting etc. (or any other destructive behavior) then I would be healthy and good. As if it is all my decision and all in my control, and like I am causing this. Sometimes I feel like – if I would play it dumb and not show them how aware I am, I won’t have as much shame because they won’t judge me for “not turning around my behavior” and they will see it as more of a real problem and not just me not being able to commit to safe and right behaviors. Is this understandable?

    Anyway, I keep on asking myself- is this in my control or not? What am I to do that I am so compelled to sticking with the destructive behaviors? It feels as if a part of me wants to move on and live well, but another part of me just took over and has different goals.

    I am having a hard time understanding myself, and any discussion here would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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    Hi @splitandtrying2bme,

    First off, it’s really good hearing from you again, but I’m sorry that it’s from a hospital; definitely not a fun place to be 🙁

    Second, I’m also so upset that you’ve been getting compromised care! I would think they’d be more understanding and compassionate. I want to answer your question, but with the disclaimer that I don’t have an eating disorder and I’m not a professional, so I’m just offering my knowledge and what I’ve heard about eating disorders.

    Just last night, I was listening to someone’s personal story on the Chazak hotline. This women shared her experiences battling an eating disorder and gave so much comfort. One thing that stands out from her talk was the isolation and loneliness that one feels with this disorder. She also mentioned that it’s not something that you can “just” control, like “snap out of,” as it seems that the professional working with you seems to think. Rather, it’s knowing how brutally hard it is and making tiny tiny steps (and celebrating each one!!) that will ultimately lead you on the road to recovery. No, this isn’t fully in your control and it’s not your fault! You should NOT feel blamed, ashamed in any way! It’s given to you from Hashem Who is with you each step of the way and you are doing your best. I think the part that possibly does lie in your control is your reaction to your triggers surrounding food. In other words, maybe you can fully acknowledge just how difficult (if that even does justice!) this is for you and make a tiny effort to eat one thing. Just one small thing and then celebrate! Really celebrate! Perhaps DBT skills can help you with this process?

    Also, there’s an amazing organization called Magen Avrahom that helps people with eating disorders. There number is 718-222-4321 and their website is <span></span&gt;

    Also, if you’d like to hear the personal story on Chazak, the number is 718-258-2008. Option 2 and you’ll press the prompt they give for the story.

    Sending you a virtual hug and hope this was helpful!

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    Chavy! Thank you so much for your words. Even just the validation were so helpful. I really appreciate you telling me that I don’t have to feel shame and guilt for where I am and that it is all from H’, this is so helpful. Your care and support here were needed, and I even felt that hug, so thanks❤️

    Dear Split and Trying,

    Your question is one that I think is shared by almost anyone who is struggling. How much can I push myself and effect my struggling vs. how much am I a victim to my struggling. I am also hearing the question of how responsible am I for the pain I am going through. The question itself is one that makes me uncomfortable and I would call it an “unproductive question”.

    As human beings we are quite powerful creatures, we have the ability to control our thoughts, behaviors and feelings on levels far beyond what we consciously perceive. There are people who have masted the ability to self- anesthetize during serious surgeries. On the flip side, as human beings we are quite fragile and vulnerable. We can quite literally die of heart ache, or cause ulcers through our stress.

    That being said, I don’t like the question because I find that there is no real answer to that. Potentially you can fully master your emotions and recovery and perhaps at this moment you can not even control one small thought. If I may, I would suggest we shift gears, instead of asking how much control you have, which is a question that evaluates you, lets ask a question that motivates you.

    What are you able to control right now? What is something you can ask others for help with right now? What is something that you can move 1 step forward at the moment?

    There is absolutely no need to evaluate, blame or cause shame. Rather try thinking about one baby step that you ARE capable of doing. Perhaps, it is opening your eyes in the morning, going to the bathroom and brushing your teeth, rather than staying in bed feeling dirty. Perhaps it is sending out this email rather than ruminating in isolation. As you notice what you can do, try to congratulate your wins, however big or small they may be.

    I wish you only luck going forward. Remember your strength is individual and there is no reason to compare your personal wins to those of anyone elses, or to your own wins at a different period of your life.

    Wishing you well,


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    In response to splitandtrying2bme's post #8933:

    My absolute pleasure!!

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