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  • Anonymous

    Hey,

    I don’t know what I’m really asking here, but my mind is screaming so I feel the need to let this out. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.

    I’m stuck. Depressed. And my mind is spinning, pounding, out of control. It’s begging for answers to these incessant questions… Is this my fault?! Am I doing this to myself?! Am I making it worse?! What’s wrong with me that sometimes I don’t even want to get out of this black hole…?! And when people tell me emunah and bitachon and hold on tight I want to cry. Nothing’s working the same way anymore and that’s just not doing it for me right now.

    I’m so confused and really hurting. This princess is so broken…

    I’d appreciate any explanation or clearer understanding. I’m suffering this in silence.

    Thanks.

    Profile Photo
    Chavy
    Participant

    Dear @BrokenPrincess,

    I want to just share how sorry I am for your pain and take the time to validate you and hold space. Depression is horrible (if that does justice to it) and saps our energy. I know because I’ve felt it a few months ago and feel it slightly now.

    I also want say that it’s NOT your fault. You didn’t cause it or do anything to bring it on. Depression is a result of a chemical imbalance of the brain, so from my understanding, you did nothing to contribute to it. The only thing I can say based on myself is that sometimes when things are so hard, we ruminate about it, and about how we’re feeling. We think ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way;’ ‘when will I come out of it’ and so on. But this rumination doesn’t help. I could only say this because it’s literally what I’m experiencing now – as I type!

    About not wanting to get out of the black hole, is it that you don’t wan to, or that it feels too hard? When I was struggling with it, I remember feeling that way and like it was just so hard to do things. But thank gd, I pushed myself and have support.

    Emunah and Bitachon doesn’t cure, but it can help alleviate some of the emotional stress, and it also may not. If you’re finding that it’s not, than maybe you can work on a smaller scale of Emunah and just know that Hashem (god) is with you even though it’s so, so difficult?

    Lastly, there’s an organization called Chazkeinu that is peer-lead support group for woman who are dealing with mental illness, so you do NOT need to do this alone, and, in fact, you shouldn’t! Their number is 314-346-7414 and their website is http://www.chazkeinu.org.

    I really hope this helps and know that we’re all with you on this! 🙂


    Anonymous

    Hi @Chavy,

    Thank you for reading and responding. I so appreciate your validation and understanding. I’m sorry that you have to know of this too…

    This is liberating. Really…? I have felt at fault since my depression was acknowledged by anyone around me – and I’ve heard outright blame.

    The rumination you describe…the meta-cognition…yeah. It’s the anxiety piece, I think, but it definitely comes into play for me. Thanks for your honesty on that.

    Not wanting to vs. feeling it’s too hard — this is where I’m so confused, once again. I honestly don’t know the difference right now. When my relationships and outlets are dulled and not enjoyable, when I’m so sad and down and stuck in this…I have no energy to try, so I don’t really know what it is that’s holding me back.

    Yes, it’s something I want to work on. I want to know it, to believe it, to feel it. I do know it in my mind but it’s not really enough… again though, I’m stuck. It gets me angry when “trusting Hashem” is the solution. Although maybe it is. I don’t know……..

    Thank you ??

    For feeling with me, for holding space for me, for caring.

    I may not be so receptive at the moment, but your words mean a lot to me.

    Profile Photo
    Chavy
    Participant

    My pleasure, and you’re so welcome, @brokenprincess!!

    No, you are not to be blamed for your depression at all. Depression is not something we can make ourselves have; it’s a chemical imbalance and a real mental illness. It’s not a choice like stealing or lying. It’s beyond that.

    So it sounds like your lack of motivation is holding you back, no? If so, that’s part of depression. The way to try and “out due” it would be to act opposite (though I would suggest working with a therapist for that). But don’t get discouraged – – take small baby steps!

    As far as Emunah goes, trusting in Hashem isn’t the solution. Some people find that spirituality speaks to them in their recovery, and some don’t. But please don’t make the mistake that if only you had more Emunah, you’d be cured. It doesn’t work like that.

    That being said, what you and anyone can do is work on a basic Emunah – if you find that it’ll be helpful. That might look like talking to Hashem in your own words when you can – at your own pace. That might look like picking a certain Tefilla (prayer) and using that to connect with Hashem. But again, it’s not going to cure you, but yes, it can help you feel a little bit better. And if it doesn’t – that’s okay too!

    Again, my pleasure, and I hope you feel strong and better!! Sending hugs 🙂


    Anonymous

    This is very validating and I so appreciate it @chavy.

    It’s true; small steps are the goal right now, and thank you for the reminder that each is truly a victory.

    I’m so grateful to you for your caring and thoughtful responses. It helps to know I’m not alone.

    Profile Photo
    Chavy
    Participant

    Yup – small baby steps! (I’m telling that to myself right now because I’m having quite a hard time, emotionally).

    My pleasure! 🙂


    Anonymous

    Sending love, wishing you luck, and having you in mind.

    We got this: together! ??

    Profile Photo
    Chavy
    Participant

    Awww!! Thank you so much!!!

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