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    SunnyDaze
    Participant

    I found this site totally by random. I..I feel lost.
    This is probably going to come out some big jumble of words and letters and I don’t really know any other way to talk right now, because my brain is just running.

    I posted in this section, because what’s on my mind right now is my last encounter with a good friend of mine, who is pushing for me to go to therapy. Yes, I WANT to go to therapy, but…I just..it’s not that simple.

    Being someone in her early twenties who has been to probably at least 50 different therapists in her life, going back into that system sounds terrifying. There’s so much wrong with me that’s needs to be fixed I’m scared, I can’t be fixed. I feel like every time I close my eyes and re-open them, there’s just loads more work staring at me, in front of me, waiting to be done.

    I mean I could write a list, about my anxiety, depression, emotionally abusive parents, dysfunctional family, and so much more. You know how they say life is crazier than fiction? That’s my life. Ok, if you didn’t hear it straight from me, you wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve been through.

    This friend of mine, she’s…she’s everything to me. That tends to happen, with good friends of mine. I become reliant, than slowly obsessive, an emotional crush of sorts. (This time is actually went further than that…) and well, she knows it. She knows about everything and all my issues, problems, my unhealthy track of relationships, my reliance, hunger for love, obsessions, lack of natural social skills (I taught myself most in my teens, but there’s stuff I still don’t get, and hints that fly over my head), my need for honesty, and the fact that I’m terrified they will leave me. She’s there through my insanity and intensity and rainfall of emotions. She’s more of the unsassuming type, she doesn’t like to get too involved with other’s decisions. When debating about shidduchim, moving out, jobs, careers, she offers a listening ear, some sound advice for my emotions, but never tells me what to do.

    Until today, when we were talking about therapy and she said she really thinks I need to go, there’s things, especially in relationships that I need to get fixed…

    I wasn’t expecting that from her….
    I kinda…well. This is half a vent and half a plea for help.
    Usually after a conversation like we had earlier, I would of had anxiety for a week, rehashing every word she said and berating myself for not being “normal” and having “normal” relationships. This time…I’m not. I’m not sure why.

    Maybe..maybe I really trust her, that she’s not going to just leave me, leaving my alone, with no one to talk to in this world. Myabe it’s that her telling me all my faults, and putting out in black and white “You need help”, although at first glance, hurt a lot, on the other hand, I hear in her voice, how much she wants ME to be happier, healthier, better. How she wants me to have less anxiety, and see the world in a clearer lens, because she really cares about me, and wants me to have a better life.

    She thinks I can do it, and she is sure this “better life” will come.
    I am not so sure.

    Where am I now?
    I don’t know. A therapist is a dream. I’ve been to so many I already know how bad the bad ones are. I need someone really really really good to deal with…with all of me. To figure out what is nature and what is nuture, and see how my thousands of problems are connected and which are symptoms and which are roots.
    According to my neighbor, a phsycologist whom takes 300 dollars for 45 minutes, if I want someone good…I need to be ready to pay a lot.

    More than I have.
    So….yeah.
    Nice to meet you all too.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    Hi and welcome!!
    First, I really feel for you. It sounds like you have a lot that you would like to work on (which is not bad at all).  I’m in therapy and i feel the same way. I feel like i have loads to improve and work on. So, I know am not alone! Second, I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences with various therapists. I know it can be very hard and scary to try again, but you owe it to yourself and deserve it. You seem so self-aware, so honest with yourself and you have great potential. I don’t know what kinds of therapists you’ve been to, but I know of a wonderful mental health clinic called Ohel. It’s located in Flatbuh. They are staffed with incredible therapists, psychiatrists and they even have nurses and a doctor (in case you want blood work and etc.). The therapists are all trained professionals. Relief Resources is another great organization that can refer you to a therapist. Also, I can so relate to feeling obsessed and over-relying on friends. It’s not fun. I try to give myself validation and love through self talk, though it’s not easy. For example, I was feeling a great need to speak to my therapist. I told myself that it feels like i need her, but I don’t. I can rely on myself and empower myself. That really helped.
    Wishing you only the best!

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    SunnyDaze
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thanks for the advice. I’ll try to contact them.

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    Hey sunnydaze! and ditto to the welcome. i love this space and i hope you’ll find solace here too. Its kind of a community of high functioning people around your age who are internally struggling to better themselves in many different ways. I can totally hear and feel the pain of your overwhelm and i can imagine its really uncomfortable to be in this state to put it mildly. i have to agree with @chavy who hears your strength and believes you owe to to yourself to get healthier and stronger. I couldn’t help but recognize how much insight and awareness you already possess. Even though you say you’re so confused I think youre less confused than you think. It sounds like your emotionally overwhelmed and you have a solid head on your shoulders that will point you in the right direction. The road and journey will take twists and turns but your heading in the right direction. Sorry that you’ve had such bad experiences with therapists. I want to say my piece on that which is that finding the right one is a lot like dating. Sometimes it feels like theres no normal guy or girl out there or no one for us because we’ve met so many that were not good fits but we typically continue the search no matter how frustrating the process. I feel like its similar with finding the right therapist. You need someone you can lean on and someone you like enough to continue going even when its painful and you hate the pain they’re inadvertently causing you to experience. Don’t give up. Keep trying and trust your gut. The right therapist will let you play out your shenanigans and work through it with you. Both referral sources chavy mentions seem like a good start. Sometimes when you pay for a private therapist you may feel more committed and also the therapist already in private practice is likely more skilled and trained and has excellent supervision. thats the only perks i can think of but you can definitely strike gold at a clinic. wishing you the best and keep us posted – we can use some sunny daze in the community.

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    Wandering Jew
    Participant

    Hi!

    It sounds like a terrible place to be in, and it is; i am sorry for that. Regarding therapists, @chavy was on the money, for it doesn’t matter so much the amount they charge; it matters  more who they are.

    I have literally spent thousands (yes thousands, well into the 5 digits) on therapy, have ping-ponged with different therapists as well as experienced  different modalities (CBT,EFT,EMDR,IFS), and can tell you that the healing which you will receive will come from a therapist who connects with you.

    The amount that you have to pay nor the relative experience of a therapist is not indicative of their ability to help you, for the relationship is the bedrock; everything else builds on it. In fact, my first therapist was a “rookie” straight out of OHEL, charged 120$, but helped me enormously with my personal development nonetheless.

    Another less-experienced therapist (straight CBT) who treated me gently was very helpful in helping me process a trauma.

    As someone who has a similar situation to yours, i emphasize and commend you for your bravery in “facing your demons”; it is truly praiseworthy.

    Regarding all the things you have to face and are perhaps a little overwhelmed by the vastness of it all. I have a different idea of it that may be helpful.

    I get the gut feeling that ones emotional journey is very unlike a shopping list;it is very different.

    Instead it can be likened to a curvy and twisty road that dips and turns; Highs of accomplishment and Lows of slugging through the mud, with the hard toil all the way along.

    Everything that you chose to work through will be accomplished in an organic way, at the pace that works for you.

    Much Luck!!

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    Chavy
    Participant

    I get the gut feeling that ones emotional journey is very unlike a shopping list;it is very different.

    Instead it can be likened to a curvy and twisty road that dips and turns; Highs of accomplishment and Lows of slugging through the mud, with the hard toil all the way along.

    @WanderingJew, I like the point you made about ones emotional journey feeling like a shopping list. At times, it can feel that way bc there’s so much we want and need to work on and it can get overwhelming. But you’re right about it being compared to a highway with some curvy twists and the like. I think it’s important to validate our feelings (whether they seem like a shopping list) and say that it’s okay to be experiencing/feeling whatever it is that we’re feeling. I’m curious as to how you detach or shift your perspective from the “shopping list” perspective. I also tend to view getting emotionally healthier as a destination. I wonder what others have to offer on this subject.

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    Wandering Jew
    Participant

    “I’m curious as to how you detach or shift your perspective from the “shopping list” perspective. I also tend to view getting emotionally healthier as a destination. I wonder what others have to offer on this subject.”

    Honestly, I also struggle with this; when things get tough, I often lose it.

    Nevertheless, I am able to do this when I mentally call up a picture of a previous therapist and try to intuit what she would do/how she would view this situation.

    I tap into my mental/emotional image of her, and work with her wisdom.

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    Red4
    Participant

    Hi SunnyDaze, and welcome.

    Your post was not rambling; to me it appeared as though you were actually putting your thoughts down and thereby organizing them. You seem to be very aware (especially regarding your friend), just a bit unsure. Believe me, I can understand. I am a psychology student who fully believes in the benefits of therapy, and yet I am afraid and worried to take the step myself, even though I know I need to (in that, you are definitely way ahead of me). On that note, cost of therapy does not necessarily correlate with effectiveness, nor should it. That’s not to say you won’t ever have to shell out some big bucks, because many good therapists are more expensive, but that’s not always the rule. And I will admit that there are therapists out there who are not always good (who are probably expensive too) and I am terribly sorry if you had the misfortune to deal with them. But please don’t let that discourage you. There is someone out there who will be able to help you with your normal in a way that suits you, and I hope you find that person whenever you are ready for him/her.

    (And now I will gracefully bow out as I don’t heed my own advice.)

    Good luck!

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    Chany
    Participant

    lol red4 i liked that parenthesis : ) Hey sunny daze and welcome! I commend you for being on this right path. I agree that therapy is not measured in the cost but rather in the relationship and how the modality suits you and your needs. If money is not a factor then choose wisely in terms of these 2 areas without letting the money persuade you either way. By either way, i mean don’t think youre getting the right help or you’ve met the right therapist simply because they are a fortune and also don’t take lightly a therapist who is on a lower end. In fact someone who is more cost effective may make it more possible for you to go 2-3 times a week initially to help kickstart the healing process. I like @ wanderingjew analogy to a road verses a shopping list and if you can shift perspective to that it can be really helpful as its helpful to me just reading it. It is very difficult to do but using imagery can help. It’s definitely accurate since i bet if we asked someone who’s been in therapy if they accomplished their growth in an orderly fashion and asked them to list what changed first second and third they wouldn’t be able to. This proves to me that its kind of like the process of life which waxes and wanes hopefully, with the general direction being north.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    “I’m curious as to how you detach or shift your perspective from the “shopping list” perspective. I also tend to view getting emotionally healthier as a destination. I wonder what others have to offer on this subject.” Honestly, I also struggle with this; when things get tough, I often lose it. Nevertheless, I am able to do this when I mentally call up a picture of a previous therapist and try to intuit what she would do/how she would view this situation. I tap into my mental/emotional image of her, and work with her wisdom.

    @WanderingJew, that is such a creative and good idea to do when a therapist isn’t available or when we just want advice/guidance. Love it!

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    avacad0
    Participant

    Hi! Wow sunny daze, I don’t know where to begin. I so understand you, I had such similar experiences i can so relate. Just letting you know there is light in the darkness. Please find a competent therapist whom Relief recommends. Don’t suffer any more in silence. Life is meant for us to enjoy and be happy. You do yours and Hashem will surely guide you in the right direction.

    I have also suffered untold emotional pain. Searing and ripping pain. I have been emotionally abused by a non-licensed therapist whom i paid a lot of money to. I cannot describe the feelings of despair that i experienced. But I can now say I have come such a long way. it’s worth it! just keep on going, don’t let any person or experience ever hold you back from healing your pain.

    I’m rooting for you! just reach out for help, there are a lot of wonderful people willing to help if you only let them.

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    SunnyDaze
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Wow everyone is so nice.
    I really appreciate all the advice, and I just wanted to let you all know I thought things out a lot, and figured out my course. I’ve done a lot of inner work by myself till now and I think I’ll keep it that way, on the side I will do hishtadlus and find someone, but you always gotta remember that Hashem is the one in charge…

    ANYWAY there’s a lot more I could say on the topic, but I don’t want to write too much.

    I wish I could say that I would join this cozy forum, but…I’m on so many other forums/websites and doing projects, it would be wrong of me, because I don’t really have time and Baruch Hashem I have a few really good people IRL who are helping me.

    I’m such a forum extraverted type of person though.
    I hope in the future if I have time I can come and share knowledge, and lend support to others…

    But till then
    THANK YOU!

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    Chany
    Participant

    That sounds like a plan. I agree with you that part of hishtadlus is reaching out and getting support from others so I’m glad that’s in your plan. I hope you find time to visit once in a while!

    Hey sunny daze, thanks for jumping on here and allowing us to be there for you in some small way. I hope we’ll be fortunate enough to have you check back in with us and let us know how the journey is going.

    Reminder: The journey is not supposed to be linear!

    Best, fay

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