[Climber]

Hi,

I’m sure anyone with childhood wounds can relate to some version of longing for the parent that wasn’t, and the void and pain it left behind.

I’ve been in therapy for awhile and have already grieved the comfort I didn’t receive as a child. I know I am the only one that can soothe and parent myself in that way, at this point in life.

Somehow, I still cannot manage to give myself the soothing I want. When I try to, it just makes me wish harder for that parent that doesn’t exist. I still wish for it to come from an external source ( like my therapist).

I have processed and gone through this so many times and with different modalities.

Any thoughts on how you relate to or deal with this would be so appreciated.

[Chavy]

Wow, I so so relate to this, @Climber!
It’s so hard! I also yearn for that motherly love and try to get it from my therapist. Somehow I know she’s just my therapist but also provides a parental role… I so know the feeling! Have you discussed this with your therapist?

[Climber]

In response to Chavy's post #14277:

Of course…

[Chavy]

And what does she say about it?

[Climber]

In response to Chavy's post #14280:

Wrote in the first post that we’ve worked it through in different ways…

[Chavy]

I hear.
Im not sure I have what to add other than to keep validating yourself, continue to do lots of self soothing in different ways, like journaling, repeating mantras (like, I can soothe myself and reparent myself even if it seems impossible), listening to music that you feel connected with (I do that), and maybe even expressing it in art…?

And know that you’re not alone in this and it’s a process. I’m talking to myself as well, here because I’m struggling with the same thing.
I hope that helps you even a little.

Oh, and when you catch yourself saying that you still can’t give yourself the soothing you want, try to be as compassionate as you can. Again, I’m talking to myself as well.

[melissa]

I really identify with this struggle.

I also so deeply have the wish for someone to do the work for me, to fill in what I never got.

And so many times I’ve deluded myself into thinking… if only my therapist would see me more often, if only she’d be less boundaried, if only she’d get the intensity of my pain, maybe then this burgeoning unrest in me would settle.

Of course, on a rational level I know that’s not the answer; yet knowing that it’s all just transfered stuff doesn’t preclude my longing for it.

And often, I feel like my hands are tied when it comes to being there for myself in this way. It feels so unfair that nobody will do it for me, and it feels so inadequate to get it in this way.

So do I have any advice? No. But I do relate.

 

Also, about working through it, I’d love to hear a bit more from you.

What I find is that I work through it just to reinforce that I won’t get it there, right?

And that often makes me hesitate to bring it up again. Like, duh, I’m not going to make a fool out of myself just to hear that it’s not what I am meant to get in therapy, or whatever.

The working through it, therefore, feels so demeaning sometimes.

[melissa]

Hi again, @Climber.
After reading your post, and replying to it, it really stirred up something in me, and I wanted to share with you a poem you triggered me into writing.

Unfilled

 

Wishing you comfort and healing <3

[Climber]

In response to Chavy's post #14293:

thank you, Chavy<3

[Climber]

In response to melissa's post #14301:

 

Thanks, Melissa. Your poem is beautiful and I’m so happy to have discovered your blog!

[melissa]

In response to Climber's post #14385:

Thank you! And if you have more thoughts about this, I’d love to hear.

 

[impartialspirit]

Hi Dear,

Do you have children of your own?

I found that by being the type of mom that mine wasn’t I fulfill the void within me. I’m just sharing what worked for me, and I’m wishing you the strength and self-forgiveness to continue living your truth!

 

[Climber]

In response to impartialspirit's post #14399:

Good for you, Impartial Spirit (nice name btw:))

No, I’m not a parent yet

[iamafighter15]

@climber that sounds really hard!

I can relate, I used to feel that way a LOT!

I can still feel that way at times. Especially when I’m sick…

All I can say is hang in there.. It does get better with time. and as Chavy wrote, try giving yourself tons of validation and compassion. Because you’re the only one who can give that to yourself best. and you deserve it!

Good Luck!!

[Author]

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