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    WhatsAppers
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    Hi! I have a Question. I’m struggling a lot with compare and despair. I look at other people who are skinnier, cooler, seem to be better spouses, richer, better avodas Hashem, etc… and I wish I can be like them/copy them/be friends with them.. I know everyone has their own journey (and sometimes thinking that helps) but it’s so hard when everything seems perfect by them. I used to be mostly among people who I felt better than (or convinced myself why I’m better) so I didn’t compare myself. I realize now that wasn’t a good way of living.. any good advice would be so appreciated!

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    WhatsAppers
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    Looking fwd to to see the “responses “ this is a good one ..

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    This is a challenge that I think a lot of people struggle with. And I think one of things is really really coming to accept yourself in who you are and your strengths and weakness..and getting too really know youself..I’m not saying that it is easy…it’s not I still am working on accepting who I am.where I am. Trying to teach myself that Hashem is giving the perfect life and really working to look in and appreciate how much I have and not too look at others.. even though it can be very challenging sometimes..

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    It helps me to remind myself that many times it’s just that we are
    DIFFERENT.
    NEITHER BETTER
    NOR WORSE.
    JUST DIFFERENT.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    I know from experience that sometimes it’s hard when everyone around you seems to have it better. Through talking to certain people I realized that everyone has their challenges. I’ve had really hard experiences in my life where a lot of the community knew that I was going through troubles. But like I was saying, I opened up to people about what I was going through and they were like, wow, that must be really hard. I asked them if they were going through something and they were like, yeah but compared to you it’s not such a big deal. I then realized that everyone is going through SOMETHING, it might not be as dramatic as my troubles but it feels just as hard. God doesn’t give you tests that you can’t pass and if you do then it’s how you react after that’s the real test. My advice to you is to keep in mind that everyone has their challenges even though it might not look like it. They might be looking at you thinking that they wish they were you! So try counting your blessings and appreciate what you have because god is loving and everything he does for you is absolute goodness although you can’t see it.

    Hope this was helpful!

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    Don’t be fooled by illusions. The people that look “perfect” or “have better spouses” or are “richer” are all hiding some type of pain and suffering that you can’t see and know nothing about. No one has a perfect life. It doesn’t exist. Everyone has their challenges and while on the outside it may seem that their life is just “perfect” behind closed doors they are just the same as you…struggling in their own way with whatever it may be. My advice is don’t waste your energy with being envious because if you truly knew what they were living with, you probably wouldn’t be jealous at all. In fact you would likely feel sorry for them.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    There are always going to be people who are better than you and worse than you in anything. So that’s not where your value comes from. Your value comes from the fact that you were created and you continue to exist on earth every day. That’s it! Your purpose isn’t to be the best wife (in public), have the most beautiful body, the chicest clothes, etc. Your purpose is to be the best YOU possible by working on yourself to grow in kindness, patience, generosity, etc. And only God measures the greatness of that personal development. There’s nothing to compare.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    Every one has challenges… they must if not they won’t be down here… And many people think the same thing about you… I would say this problem is cuz you aren’t happy and satisfied and feel good with yourself… try looking yourself in the mirror and tell yourself “I love myself” with a smile and some meaning for a few minutes straight… if that is too difficult maybe start with saying “I like myself ”

    With an enthusiastic happy tone… ?

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    The best way I found to get over these negative feelings were to keep telling myself that if Hashem wanted me to have this or that, He would’ve given it to me. Because he didn’t give it to me then that means that particular thing is not good for me. Maybe I will get it at a later time or maybe I won’t get it all. Look at it this way: we want to make our children happy. We want to give them everything. But sometimes something that they want isn’t good for them. For example: if your child is allergic to dairy, you will do your utmost to make sure there is no dairy around said child and as much as this child will beg and plead for something dairy, in the long run they know that if they have dairy they won’t feel good.
    Also, when you start feeling jealous, keep telling yourself that something better is coming without strings attached. The people you see who are skinnier, richer, cooler etc etc all got to where they’re at because of all the strings attached. You don’t need those strings attached to you. Be it they’re skinnier but they have a medical condition. They’re richer, because a rich relative of theirs expects something in return.
    I hope I explained myself clearly.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    It’s interesting to note that it’s people we don’t know very well that have perfect lives (stole that line from Rabbi YY Jacobson).
    It takes a lot of inner work to see yourself in a positive light, but it’s work worth doing.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    I think you have to appreciate what you have as to not be jealous of what other people have. I suggest getting a gratitude journal and writing down every day a few things that you are thankful for and then Bez”h you will realize all Hashem bestowed upon you. Good luck!!

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    I often consider the fact that others having or being something doesn’t take away from my own. Like I am now struggling with getting pregnant, but when I hear about someone’s great news I’m completely happy for them knowing that this was meant for them and in no way does it have to do with me (like it cudnt have been me instead)

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    Jealousy is an emotion. As with any emotion, it can be used constructively or destructively. Like קנאת סופרים תרבה חכמה. One way to deal with it is to redirect the emotion from destructive to constructive. If what is seen in others initiates growth and learning better from worse, then by all means, use it to grow. It’s when a person starts going downhill as a result that self reflection and change needs to take place. In which case, think of it as a נסיון to be able to overcome it more easily. Looking around at what people do creates a head-shake that forms a no by going from side to side. This can be changed to a yes by nodding up and down. Up is Hashem and down is me. Asking Hashem “what does He want from me in this situation?”

    Another way to deal with it is understanding that everything is a נסיון. We have the choice on how to deal with it. Based on our choices is what our life looks like. Hashem doesn’t ask us to be like the other person. Hashem asks us to be our best Selves. Nobody has the same set of נסיונות as any other person in the whole wide world. We don’t know what the other persons difficulties are. It’s a package that includes the good AND the difficult. And most likely if we would know the entire picture/package we would not want it. Because what has brought the good in them is just too difficult for us.

    3- Every situation that we see can be viewed as a coin. There’s ALWAYS 2 sides to each coin. Examples are as follows. Skinny people most likely also have either anorexia, irritable bowel syndrome or something else. Nowadays nobody is skinny just like that. Wealthy people worry what and how to care for their wealth so they don’t lose it. This worrying can overwhelm a person to the point of mental illness. We may not see it but it’s there. The list goes on and on. Life is extremely complex. It’s never as simple as the other person has what I don’t. There’s something we have that the other doesn’t, but nature has it that we fail to appreciate our own good.
    I wonder what others see in me as in what do I have that others are jealous of?

    This response was contributed by Feigy Weinstock, LMSW.

    Feiga Weinstock

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    Everyone is a piece in “the big puzzle” God made garbage collectors and made lawyers everyone has his own path. Its a waste of time to think about how you can be someone else. Be successful on your own.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    Hello ????? Nobody is skinny nowadays … lol it’s genetic just like anything else … eyes, Hair color …
    I would rather say just like your not jealous of that persons eye color – y be jealous on the persons body shape – ( very often you will see “families “ either skinny or not skinny – boils down to genes .. ( at lease most of the time ..)

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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