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    WhatsAppers
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    I have to spend shabbos in close quarters, with some family members that don’t treat me so well. They are extremely passive aggressive, and just generally speak poorly to me and always leave me hurt. They have many double standards with the shared space, and if I try to gain clarity it’s almost always met with hostile attitudes. I’d love some advice on how to be able to enjoy my shabbos while in the company of others who always make me feel bad.

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    WhatsAppers
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    The writer is way to vague to give a specific solution but a general tip on how to deal with feeling slighted is to ask yourself how you would react if the roles were reversed and if you come to the conclusion that you would react the same or similar way they are reacting (if the roles were reversed) you’ll have a much easier time coping and or even hopefully resolving the issue

    Assuming the writer is a shabbos guest here are a few thoughts the writer should consider

    If you had to do extra chores because of the guest how would that make you feel?

    If you felt the guest was taking attention away from you how that make you feel?

    If you felt the guest was too demanding how would you react?

    If you felt the guest was unappreciative of the sacrifices you made how would that make you feel?

    If you felt you couldn’t socialize enough with other friends or
    If you felt the guest made you lose out or miss something
    How would you react

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    Stop making them your main focus, make sure to make time for yourself!

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    Hi, I’ve been in the same situation and it can really be tough. Somethings I try to do is change the way it’s viewed and turn it into a joke so it won’t hurt. Another thing is, try and keep the mood positive. Avoid conversations that’ll make them hurt you. I’m not sure if it’s intent or intentional but maybe try and bring it up to them and ask for them not to insult you. If you do get hurt think about what the person said and think about if it is or somewhat is true which is why it’s hurting. If it’s not then ignore it you know your self better then anyone. I hope some of these tips help. Good luck! I hope you enjoy your Shabbos!

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    You need really tough skin to be able to take the words thrown at you . And most ppl with a heart wouldn’t take it easy. So I honestly would t put myself into the hornets nest and I simply would not attend . Why do that to yourself ? I don’t like confrontation and the only thing worth fighting for is your health !

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    Wow that is really tough and I grew up in such a home so I know what this is like. Try going out of the house for shobbos or just meals. I feel that at meal times it was the worst.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    This sounds like a really tough situation for you! As we all know- we can choose our friends but not our family.
    That said, I believe a helpful technique may be to go to family gatherings with a clear goal in mind. Meaning, is my goal to improve their behavior towards me? Is my goal to make them understand and respect me? Or… Is my goal to connect with those family members who do respect me without a deeper agenda? Try to keep your goal to one that is easily attainable and is dependent on YOUR behaviors rather than on others.
    Another simple helpful technique-
    Make a list of 10-20 special personal attributes and read them confidently to yourself, preferably in front of a mirror, right before joining the family. You will stand taller upon entering and will not have as great a need for their approval and acceptance because you just gave it to yourself!
    Best of luck.

    This response was contributed by Rachel Brezel, LMHC.

    Rachel Brezel

     

     

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    WhatsAppers
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    Ok this is tough. Sorry you have this experience. First I would say inquire within. Is there something you’re doing that is causing those around you to behave in ways that leave you hurt? Are you taking on a victim role because you’re most comfortable in that role? Where do YOU fit into this story?

    Second, If indeed these are such unhealthy people and/or you are simply with people who have a negative effect on you or trigger negative energy etc. then try to use the 3 B’s to problem solve.

    BAG it – this means leave the situation. Leave for shabbos as often as possible.

    BARTER – if you stay for shabbos maybe go out for meals. Or stay for meals but sleep away for shabbos. You get the idea…

    BETTER the situation. If you can’t or don’t want to bag or barter then see how you can better the situation. Get dressed beautifully so you view yourself as king/queen which will not allow you to be treated much less than that. Buy yourself something special to enjoy while they “try to trigger you”. Have your favorite book to turn to or plan to meet a friend that brings out the best in you. Take a few minutes before shabbos to close your eyes and visualize a beautiful shabbos and how you will let the comments that sting wash over you like delicious smelling rain on a summer afternoon.
    Best of luck ?

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    I’ve unfortunatly been facing that struggle for a long while, for years, it always bothered me so so much, it really hurts and is extremely painful, what i find to be work is to simply (or not) SHOW them how hurtful it is, how it affects you so much, in my situation persinaly that seemed to help, mayne that was the prob in the first place… id laugh and play along, but inside….
    Thank God, things have been really improving, true, i was isolated in my room, not eating anything, not out for the meals, nothfor a while, but thays what made them realise just how badly it affects me
    They really changed
    Thats what seemed to help me

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    So I was reading all the other responses and I felt like I needed to add in my 2 cents. Been there, done that. It is tough. Very tough. One response was to let the offending person know that they’re hurting you. I can tell you from personal experience that that approach never works. In fact, when you try to reason with the offender, they most of the time will turn it around and show you that it’s your fault and basically make you out to be the bad one.
    Best piece of advice was telling yourself that you’re a good person and stand tall when you walk into the room. If you stand with confidence and ignore those people, they can’t hurt you. They will try their hardest, and all you gotta do is smile your best smile at them and continue talking to others who are being nice to you.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    Sounds familiar….. just don’t engage. Say you’re right or ok to everything and don’t try to prove your point to people who don’t wanna hear it. It’s the only way to go

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
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    Always do what you can to feel emotionally safe and authentic.. if it means engaging in conversation or going to nap or taking a bathroom break to get centered and have a moment. Don’t have expectations and daven and asks hashem to be with you!

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    Chavy
    Participant

    That is indeed very very tough! I would echo what everyone is saying and try to give yourself as much breaks/self-care as possible. Perhaps take bathroom breaks, say positive affirmations, and whatever little you can to help yourself as I understand that its far from easy. But I’m cheering you on!!

    Hi,

    That is a very uncomfortable and painful situation to be in.  I do believe as part of our rights of being human beings, we get to choose who we want to interact and associate with and if someone isn’t good for us (whether they hurt our physical, emotional, or spiritual well being), even if they have the title of family, we can choose to create distance.  Boundary setting is a really useful skill that we can develop in assisting us through this process.  It takes time to develop, but when we are assertive about our needs and we go “mama bear” in protecting and caring for ourselves, we find that we have a lot more choices and options and get unstuck.  We learn that there are no “have to’s” only “want to’s.”

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