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    Chavy
    Participant

    I’m sort of obsessing over how much love I got or didn’t get when I was young. This obsession becomes bigger when I see or hear of adults interacting with their kids and giving/showing them love. I know I need to nourish myself and give myself love, but it’s so hard. I want someone to give me and show me love. People do, like my therapist and friends (and my family tries). I guess I have to fill myself up. Just sharing my thoughts.

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    AsherL
    Participant

    If you felt or if you now feel that you were unloved as a child, might be hard to fill yourself with love or to even feel the love from others who now love you.  Kids sometimes learn a lesson that they are not really that lovable.  Sometimes it requires going through the emotions that this feeling of deprivation causes.  Getting in touch with and mindful of feeling sad, feeling scared, feeling angry that you didn’t get enough love.  It could help you release the past and start anew with the belief that you are lovable and do deserve love just like we all do.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you! I think I do need to let myself get in touch with those emotions more, feel them, validate them and nurture myself. And, most importantly, try to let go of my wishes of wanting to be loved (bc it’s an obsession) and let go of my past and what it could have been..

    This all sounds so nice in theory, but it’s so hard to actually practice it. I know I deserve love and to be loved. I think i first have to let go of my wishes (from my past) and give it to myself in small doses.

    Sorry for going on and on. It really helped me to let my feelings out and clarify it for myself.

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    Chany
    Participant

    hey chavy! yes its hard when you grew up in a state of deprivation to feel loved and to accept those positive feelings. I think its important you give yourself love in small doses as often as you can. Remind yourself 5 reasons why you are lovable that are not dependent on anyone else loving you or doing anything to show you their respect. Then the love and respect you get from others while its necessary you won’t feel like you crave it as intensely or as often. Just my non professional thoughts..

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    anonymous
    Participant

    Hi chavy just want to add that forgiving yourself for the past you had is extremely hard , but in my experience helps me( still working on it)  to be able to focus on the present, and not be so stuck

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    avacad0
    Participant

    Hi Chavy, I can totally relate to the longing of getting unconditional love. To getting love for just being me. I also have this huge craving of getting what I never got. But I try to redirect my longing to give of myself to others who are in the same place like I was. I also try to do self care to nourish myself to the best of my current capabilities.

    Just some of my coping mechanisms that I wanted to share with you.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    @Chany, I copied and pasted this line of yours to help me think. Remind yourself 5 reasons why you are lovable that are not dependent on anyone else loving you or doing anything to show you their respect. I really like this idea. Would you be able to give me some examples of what this would look like? Would this go well if I say “I’m deserving to love myself because I’m a hard worker” – for example.


    @Anonymous
    , when you say forgiving yourself for your past, you mean so say being mindful of it and letting go of it. Letting go of my wishes to be shown love by my parents (they really do try)..? That is very very hard!

    @Avacod0,Thank you for verbalizing that you also feel this way. It’s so  relieving to know that others feel this way and with intensity.

    I like how you said you give yourself to others who are in the same place as you. I think that’s so healing! Would you be willing to explain how you do that? Do you know of others like that? Self care is so so important. I sometimes get lost with all the talking in my head… To answer my own question, I would have to pay attention to all the negative talking and refocus myself. Sometimes its hard to catch all the negative talk bc there’s so much of it and it’s so fast.. Anyone also feel this way?

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    Chany
    Participant

    @chavy sure i can clarify 🙂 I’m a hard worker is totally fine as long as its not connected or dependent on your boss saying you are but that you believe and know that you are a hard worker in ways that matter to you. For instance, that you are working hard towards self development and emotional health. I can see that but you have to know and believe it. Some other ideas- I love myself because i know how to take care of my body through exercise and healthy eating (obviously in a healthy way not an obsessive orthorexic way). I love myself because I am kind and sensitive to other peoples pain. I love myself because i am growing emotionally stronger each day. I love myself because i took a walk when i was in a bad mood instead of burying myself in self pity. I love myself because i accomplished (fill in the blank) even though it was daunting and overwhelming at first. In general I think this list can be detailed or specific.

    Regarding all the negative self talk stuff, and the thoughts that keep running so fast I would recommend meditation. specifically headspace self esteem pack. It addresses this exactly. It helps you remember how thoughts are simply thoughts no matter what the content is and through practice you can get more in touch with the calm “blue sky” behind all the noise.

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    anonymous
    Participant

    @chavy your right, it is very hard,but probably worth it, and  it’s about embracing your feelings and finding healthy ways to soothe it, not just pretending to forget about your wishes

     

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    avacad0
    Participant

    When I meet and interact with people, because of what I have gone through, I just notice and sense these lonely and sad people. I just feel so bad for them. Especially when I see children and teenagers looking down and under. Adults have a little more capabilities to reach out and to find the resources to help themselves. But when it’s youngsters still in the growing up process going through all this trauma of  feeling unloved and neglected it just speaks to me and I will try to make just a tiny bit of a difference in their life. This makes me feel a tiny bit better that all i have endured has not been in vain. (not that a got a choice if i wanted to go through this!)

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you Chany for clarifying and giving such good ideas of affirmations. I really like them and they make sense! Is the head space free? Could it work on a laptop (I don’t have a smartphone)?

    Anonymous, I’m coping and pasting your response bc it helps me formulate my response. (I still don’t know how to quote) 😉

    @chavy your right, it is very hard,but probably worth it, and  it’s about embracing your feelings and finding healthy ways to soothe it, not just pretending to forget about your wishes. Anonymous,  I love how you put it in that order – embrace feelings (and not ignoring them) and find ways to self-soothe. Most people probably know this, but I just want to reiterate that feeling our feelings helps them go away much faster. I often have to catch myself running away from my emotions. The end result is bH very freeing.

    Avacad0e, that’s really amazing! It’s amazing to use your experiences to help others. I know how healing it can be when you give to others precisely what you want, crave and need. For example, as an assistant teacher, I try to help the students feel confident about themselves. Is there a specific setting where you meet these people, or you just see and sense someone’s pain?

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    Chany
    Participant

    @chavy so glad they made sense to you. So there is a free version of headspace where you get 10 days of a beginners pack to get you started. The paid version isa feee for the year and that gives you access to tons and tons of different meditations. Anything from anxiety to focus, to self esteem and eating and sleeping and traveling etc. It’s all the same principles with different tweaks but whats nice is that you get to choose a pack that lasts anywhere from 10-30 days and you know you’re working on that one thing. for instance the 30 day self esteem pack. Or the 30 day anxiety pack. Or the 10 day change pack. I found these packs super helpful. For instance, when i was struggling with a relationship in my life, i chose to use the relationship pack and it made me feel so much better to know that i was doing something to make an improvement in a very difficult relational figure in my life. When going through a change i used the change pack and it helped me realize that life is always always changing from second to second and so trying to hold on is only an illusion. This helped me let go and ride the waves just a bit more. I’m giving you all this information because typically i wouldn’t spend money on these things especially if i didn’t understand the use and I would like if someone told me what the point of paid meditation is. theres plenty of free meditations out there so don’t feel pressured to get it but if you would like to try it, in my experience its a worthwhile investment. I think its under $100 a year but i can’t be certain. I also share it with family so its definitely worth it. Maybe you can find someone to split it with.. Definitely should work on computer. in fact i don’t use it on my phone i use it on an iPad before bed usually or in the am before i get my hands on my “toxic” phone. Lmk if you try it and like it. for sure try the 10 days free before anything.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    @Chany, I’m so sorry I’m answering back so late. Thank you for your comprehensive response! You really explained it well and I’m glad you’re finding to be of help. I think I’m going to try the free pack.

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    Chany
    Participant

    no worries at all.  awesome. my pleasure.  I’d be curious to know how you like it so feel free to let me know if you’d like 🙂

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