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    yomerves25
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    I’ve been dating someone with a few months, although we didn’t see each other for two months due to the pandemic situation. I’ve gotten to see her twice in the past few days, and she’s very excited about starting the next stage of life together, and I also want her as the person I’m starting that next phase with, even if I still have a few qualms about her.
    What I’m missing is the aura of energy from her, she feels subdued lots of the time, even though she says she’s always happy spending time together. The way she dresses also is subdued, lots of solids, few patterns and minimal jewelry and that’s been really nagging at me as well. Harder to feel the attraction to her in terms of building a lifelong relationship when I keep thinking I wish she was more outwardly cheerful and fashionable. She does know I want her to wear more jewelry and patterns, and she’s a little open to it, but she needs more time to get there mentally herself, she doesn’t like feeling like she’s on display when I do want to display her as my wife. Knowing myself, I also find it hard to imagine staying physically attracted to her without this visual upgrade. I’m going to keep comparing her to other women and I don’t know how to stop comparing her and wishing she was different. Does anyone have any tips?

    Hi, I have a few thoughts on your post.  The first is that dating during a pandemic is pretty unprecedented and has its own unique challenges which are important to be mindful of and at the same time the things that we need to be mindful of during these times when dating are the same things we need to be mindful of during normal times such as values, character, and attraction.

    I think it is particularly important that relationships that have been formed while in quarantine have extra time to develop because they are missing that in-person quality and that can contribute to what you mentioned as the lack of “aura.”  We can get creative in terms of replicating as much as possible from normal life dating such as having a Netflix party, cooking formal dinners and eating over Zoom, and having family and friends meet each other over Zoom or through safe social distancing.

    Another thought I had was that the things that are important to you can remain important to you and at the same time it is important to go into a significant relationship not thinking we are changing that person.  Of course, people grow and change over time but during dating if there is something that really bothers you it is highly likely it will continue bothering you in marriage and perhaps even more.  If she is not the kind of person who naturally has the style you enjoy, and on top of that you need someone who you can have on display then it might be a mismatch of values and she may feel on a deep level unaccepted and you may feel frustrated in that kind of dynamic.

    One last thing, a lot of people are reporting feeling down and “subdued” from being so cooped up in quarantine.  I’d be curious if her subdued persona is a reflection of her personality or how she is feeling during this time.

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    OnAndonAnon
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    I’ve gotten to see her twice in the past few days, and she’s very excited about starting the next stage of life together, and I also want her as the person I’m starting that next phase with, even if I still have a few qualms about her.
    Thanks for sharing this here.
    There is so much that we don’t know about you, or the situation. As such, any advice might be totally off base.
    With that in mind, I was struck by the absence of excitement in your tone. Yes, context is missing, but you mention her eagerness to continue with you and you sound subdued in your interest in her. If true, there’s no judgement in that. It’s good to observe and then figure out if that’s an indication of something deeper.
    In regards to the concern you have about her appearance, it’s okay to have that as a part of what influences your decision – even a major part, of that’s a strong value to you. What concerned me is that you have her changing the way she dresses and that she is ‘complying’. We should be looking to find our matches, not to match ourselves to whom we are looking for.
    These are both merely my reading of a very limited post you shared. If what I said doesn’t fit, don’t put it on.
    Be true to yourself!
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