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  • This topic has 37 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 3 years ago by Profile PhotoChavy.
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    Chavy
    Participant

      

    I was really good friends with someone for a few months. We got really close and spoke/texted every day. We recently grew apart when she told me – very suddenly – that she’s not comfortable with the boundaries of our relationship and it will have to be on hold. I had no idea this was coming and was very shocked and hurt. I’m trying not to think about it, but i find that when I’m alone, my mind just goes to it and the pain gets so great that I don’t feel like doing anything. I really hope we can reconnect, but have no idea if it’s on her agenda. Has anyone had such an experience or something similar happen to them?

    Thank you

     

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    Chany
    Participant

    Hi Chavy, That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. I’ve never had someone tell me straight up that they don’t want to be in the relationship because of boundaries but i have experienced relationships where people start drifting and it can feel very unsettling and isolating. In those situations, I try to bring it up with the person when I’m feeling secure enough and sometimes a conversation and awareness is enough to move on into sometimes an even deeper relationship. I wonder if you can ask her to identify the boundary violations that she’s experiencing and see if there’s a way to adjust to something that you would both feel is fair. She may point out something that you never realized and that can help you in your relationship with her and in other relationships. Or, it may simply be her own issue that she needs more space and while that’s hurtful there’s not much you can do. Feeling hurt is so natural and i would encourage you not not stifle it but to feel it and get it out through journaling, crying, prayer. Maybe speaking to a trusted friend or mentor about it. Someone more objective that can be there for you without internalizing your pain, anger, hurt, and all other natural feelings because while that will help in moment it won’t help you move on. Hope this helps.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi Chany,

    Thank you for your answer and for your validation! So, I have asked her through text what she means but I didn’t get an answer. I am seeing a therapist and will process it with her. I am using prayer/crying a lot and some of journaling. Maybe even too much crying/praying. I’m trying really hard… Something tells me that it has to do with me, but being that she didn’t provide any explanations, I’m trying really hard not to assume and will just think that she needs her own space for whatever issues have came up for her. Like what you mentioned.

    Thank you very much for your support.

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    Chany
    Participant

    It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and therefore this will end up being a growing/learning experience albeit painful. You should be proud of yourself for dealing with such a difficult situation in a mature manner. It’s really difficult to not internalize these experiences but trying is the best you can do. Whether it’s about you or her- you’re choosing to deal with it in a way that will help you grow into a stronger healthier individual and ultimately that is a gift. Best of luck.

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    orphaned
    Participant

    Wow Chavy! That sounds really painful! This is the type of thing that though painful can be a catalyst for lots of growth and self awareness. Try to think why this has happened,  if it has anything to do with your actions, maybe the relationship was to intense…

    If it is because of anything you did then work through it with your therapist and if you can’t think of what you did wrong realize there will always be people who aren’t so healthy and do really painful things….

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you so much Chany and Orphaned for your warm words and support! I do think that the relationship might have been a bit too intense. However, i still think she should have said something. But, it’s done and I do hope she contacts me again. And, yes, it is a growing experience and brings on more self-awareness.

    Thank you again!

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    Banana
    Participant

    Wow, I learned so much from this thread! Although I really don’t want Chavy to dwell on this relationship more than she has, I did want to point out that perhaps it would help for her to think (possibly with the help of her therapist) if she has had similar experiences with other relationships where they became too intense and then fell apart. Or maybe Chavy knows that her friend had similar experiences and it is clearly her friend that has trouble with boundaries in friendship and needed to stop the relationship before Chavy stopped it so she wouldn’t get hurt. Best of luck! You’re doing great, Chavy.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you Banana for your encouragement!

    I unfortunately did have relationships that didn’t last bc they were too intense. They were very painful but were also learning experiences. Baruch Hashem, this hasn’t happened in a while, so it was quite a shock. I am trying really hard to accept it though it’s very hard being that it’s so out of her character to do that. I’m realizing that I have to be mindful of how much information I’m sharing about myself and how often.  I’m trying:)

     

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    Banana
    Participant

    Thank you Banana for your encouragement! I unfortunately did have relationships that didn’t last bc they were too intense. They were very painful but were also learning experiences. Baruch Hashem, this hasn’t happened in a while, so it was quite a shock. I am trying really hard to accept it though it’s very hard being that it’s so out of her character to do that. I’m realizing that I have to be mindful of how much information I’m sharing about myself and how often. I’m trying:)

    My pleasure, Chavy. You’re so aware and honest with yourself about what’s going wrong and that’s half the solution. You’re also speaking to someone which is so wise. You’re doing all the right stuff. Keep up your great work.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you!

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    Thank you Chavy for sharing this. This is a really difficult situation and I’ve had similar situations. I commend you for taking the opportunity to see your place in the situation and taking responsibility for that. But, don’t take more than that. it takes 2 to tango and let your friend take her share. With what you gained/learned you can move on to develop healthier relationships in the present and future.

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    avacad0
    Participant

    Hi! from my past experience when a relationship ends abruptly it can be either of two things: Either one of the parties involved is missing relational skills so they don’t really know the concept of friendship. They make friends and drop friends without blinking an eye. Or sometimes one of the people involved in this relationship is missing the ingredient called “boundaries.” It is something extremely crucial in every relationship. Without it, it tends to get way too intense and unhealthy. I have a very close friend whom I’m in touch with on a daily basis when either one of us feels that boundaries were crossed we remind each other so that the relationship remains healthy and balanced at all times.

    Good luck in figuring out what went wrong! it is a life time struggle for some of us (including myself!)

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    Banana
    Participant

    Hi! from my past experience when a relationship ends abruptly it can be either of two things: Either one of the parties involved is missing relational skills so they don’t really know the concept of friendship. They make friends and drop friends without blinking an eye. Or sometimes one of the people involved in this relationship is missing the ingredient called “boundaries.” It is something extremely crucial in every relationship. Without it, it tends to get way too intense and unhealthy. I have a very close friend whom I’m in touch with on a daily basis when either one of us feels that boundaries were crossed we remind each other so that the relationship remains healthy and balanced at all times. Good luck in figuring out what went wrong! it is a life time struggle for some of us (including myself!)

    Wow, so true and helpful @avacad0! Thank you for sharing!

    Hi! from my past experience when a relationship ends abruptly it can be either of two things: Either one of the parties involved is missing relational skills so they don’t really know the concept of friendship. They make friends and drop friends without blinking an eye. Or sometimes one of the people involved in this relationship is missing the ingredient called “boundaries.” It is something extremely crucial in every relationship. Without it, it tends to get way too intense and unhealthy. I have a very close friend whom I’m in touch with on a daily basis when either one of us feels that boundaries were crossed we remind each other so that the relationship remains healthy and balanced at all times. Good luck in figuring out what went wrong! it is a life time struggle for some of us (including myself!)

    Thank you for sharing this insight. Very on target.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you Avocadoe for those points. Boundaries are very important. In this case, I think the relationship was a bit too intense. I think we’re both to blame for that. In any case, like you said, most people don’t just drop friends – so suddenly – even if it’s too intense. You try to work things out. And, Always Worried, from this experience, I’m trying to balance things out better. (Talking about myself and hearing from them). It’s a 2-way street!

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