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    avacad0
    Participant

    My inner wold is bleak

    A little calmness is all I seek

    There’s a fogginess in my brain

    I am pushing myself in order to stay sane

    I am battling demons from my past

    Trying to free the shackles at last

    The more I uncover the I despair

    Wasn’t it easier when I was in denial and unaware?

    On the outside I am mighty and strong

    Between the successful people is where I belong

    Always with a smile and a helping hand

    Tuning into others and their struggles trying to understand

    “Highly Accomplished” is the category I keep hearing

    It it “shattered me” to whom they are referring?

    Growing up with surroundings seeped with disorders

    Where people had no concept of boundaries and borders

    I took it all in and tried to save the day

    By being a “parental child” making sure all was okay

    I walked around laden with guilt and shame

    Always being the savior in this crippling game

    The more I helped the higher the expectation

    Until it became an impossible addiction

    I was like a shadow in the house

    Invisible like a scurrying mouse

    I was there for everyone in their time of need

    While my heart continued to bleed

    At night I would shed tears of anguish

    Giving some compassion to my soul which in prison would languish

    Crying bitterly over my miserable plight

    Search for some solace searching for some light

    And in all this I kept trying to comprehend

    When will I cave in and fall off the deep end?

    Years forward when I am finally a mother in the fullest sense

    I have my own family and my childhood is past tense

    I expect to put it all behind

    To ignore the pain to pretend I am blind

    But I keep seeing this fence so big and tall

    That I cannot surpass it at all

    I am told “The only way to get past it is through it”

    I sob silently and throw a fit

    How much more can I endure?

    Do I need to suffer even more?

    Things that I have squashed and shoved away

    Where I was hoping for eternity it should stay

    I need to open it up and feel the feelings

    It disregulates me and sends me emotionally reeling

    I feel huge things that are too heavy for me to hold

    I feel so vulnerable and old

    “I am told you are stronger than ever, you are not in the same place”

    From your childhood abuse there is no trace

    I know it cognitively but I am still so scared

    Was my self esteem forever impaired?

    People keep asking me for advice

    They think I am so together and so nice

    Not dreaming the turmoil I am battling inside

    Thank goodness that I still have a place to hide

    I know that each person has a road carved out for them custom made

    Sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes painful like a sharp blade

    Sometimes the view is so beautiful and grand

    Other times so painful and so hard to understand

    But both the good and hardships are a gift from above

    A hug and a message of love

    Let us try to make a difference out there

    To be a beacon of support for those in despair!

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    Rivkah Kaufman
    Participant

    Hello- what a haunting and brave poem! I want to commend you for your courage in baring your soul in this way. Clearly poetry is a powerful channel of communication for you, as you have used it here, and in other postings, to express emotions that otherwise are kept hidden. I am so sorry you were a parentified child and continue to deal with the posttraumatic trauma of this experience. You say you have to open up and “feel my feelings,” but they dysregulate you and “send me reeling.” This is where trauma therapy comes in. The aim of trauma therapy is to create a safe space and provide plenty of skills and strategies for grounding and resource building, so that when the trauma does emerge, it is at your own pace, and does not destroy you. You don’t say whether you actually are in therapy, but in case you aren’t, I hope you will consider getting help for the childhood traumas you experienced, that are clearly no longer willing to be repressed and blocked. If you already are in therapy, I recommend DBT for emotion regulation strategies, and EMDR to safely help you get to the heart of your pain and anguish, process it, and provide you with some relief. I wish you all the best in your journey.

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    KayKayMentor
    Participant

    This was a truly breathtaking poem. Your courage and vulnerability are deeply moving. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this forum. Your powerful words will undoubtedly help many of us who are struggling and need support. Thank you!  Besides writing, do you have any other outlets that help you cope with the pain?

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you! I do like to spend time with friends. But I am not always in the mood (due to the depressing feelings that I sometimes go through)

    And thank you Rivka Kaufman for your kind words and advice I will definitely take it into consideration. I am currently seeing a therapist twice a week, but it’s very hard when so much pain keeps cropping up. I get so overwhelmed.

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    Rivkah Kaufman
    Participant

    I’m sorry the feeling of overwhelm is so intense for you. That may be your body’s way of saying you’re not ready to work on the trauma at your current rate, and it’s important to listen to what your body needs. Perhaps you can slow down the resurgence of pain by only working on a “slice” of trauma at a time. In other words, there are ways to help you stay grounded and guide you, so that you are only exposed to the trauma for seconds at a time. The number of seconds you feel safe enough to be in the presence of that trauma can be increased by your therapist, until you’re able to work with the experience in a way that helps you process and integrate it in a healthy way. I hope this helps.

    Hello Avocado,
    Your writing is and has been very expressive, deep, and honest. While you are writing about your personal experience, I am sure that there are many people who can relate to your experience. Trauma stays in our body long after we have cognitively processed what happened and seem to have moved passed it. It sounds like you have some pretty good coping strategies and that you have a great sense of awareness and have processed a lot. When all that is done and the trauma is still with us, I believe all we can do is modalities that relate to our experience on a more experiential level such as Somatic Experiencing and/or EMDR. While it seems like you have accepted the position that you are in now and that enables you to enjoy life when you can, there is more that can be done so that this does not need to be your reality. A book you may enjoy and relate well to is “The Body Keeps the Score”.

    All this being said, poetry is a great way to express and continue to process. What is it like for you after you pen a poem like the one above?

     

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi, thank you for your kind words and helpful advice. I definitely feel a lot calmer when I write about my feelings. Usually when I sit down to write there’s an overload of emotions in me that I cannot seem to organize, I then resort to writing about it which gives me some clarity.

    I am processing lots of stuff, the hard part I find is that being that my brain couldn’t handle things years back I was in major denial. The more I talk the deeper the pain is. There is so much that I have missed out in the past. The whole beauty and luxury of being a child who is loved unconditionally. I am actually feeling choked up as I write this.

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    KayKayMentor
    Participant

    Your post just reminded me of a quote I read: The healing hurts more than the actual wound.

     

    I think the more you express yourself through writing or speaking or any creative outlet you have, the easier it will be for you to forgive and let go..

    Beautifully written and expressed.

    You may find this podcast by Brene Brown of solace.

    Brené Brown — Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart

    enjoy!

     

     

     

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you! I will check it out.

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