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    avacad0
    Participant

    Hi, I am a very deeply emotional person. I have been through a lot in my life. I am really doing everything to help myself emotionally. But sometimes the going gets so rough. I take everything to the tenth power. Everything affects me so much. I know the strength to this is that I feel for everyone (which gets me into hot water very many times) but on the flip side I get very stuck in emotional turmoil while on my journey to get better. I get extremely overwhelmed and I reach a point where my anxiety totally overtakes me and after that I get very depressed.

    I just wanted to know if I will one day be a calm and relaxed and balanced person. I think people would be shocked at the inner battles that I am waging on a day to day basis.

    The sad part is that I currently have so much to be thankful for but due to the demons of my past I am struggling immensely. It is so sad that I can’t just erase things that happened to me. I thought that by being a very good person I was doing the right thing, but apparently all these suppressed emotions are not going to go away without me dealing with them.

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    zissy
    Participant

    Huge hugs of support and understanding !! Here is definitely a safe place where we can share . Nothing wrong with having emotions it’s just how we can move them to a healthy place . Always say one can give themsleves a good cry now and then to let some of that pent up emotions out , but to time it ..no more then ten minutes and then you have to compose yourself and pull it together .Its ok to be grateful for all the good things and at same time have unresolved pain from other things . There are many successful tools and meds to help alleviate some of the symptoms so that they don’t over take normal day to day functioning . I find it crucial to talk to a Prof about separating the past into delving and dealing with past traumas and healing .one cannot step into the future without dealing with past wounds . The future is very bright once we heal and learn tools of acceptance and ability to move on .It doesn’t invalidate the past .it just makes it ok to breath and feel good about oneself and the future . I also believe some ppl just feel things deeper then others and it’s ok . Being a good person is a reflection of your soul .not your past .one thing that I say is do a small act of chesed or charity a day .at end of day we all need something to feel good about yourself that’s not about our jobs , spouses , children . When we hit that pillow at night and we think of some thing we did for others it will fullfill you that you accomplished some thing and your a person in this world too . Deeply satisfying and gratifying . The future is bright for all who seek to change it !! Much hatzlacha 

     

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Wow! Thank you for your warm and kind words! I will definitely keep it in mind. I am doing all these self care things that you mentioned. And I have come such a long way. But it’s just sometimes really hard for me to push myself. And it is so true that doing for others really does give us self satisfaction. I just cannot really share very many of my struggles with my family and friends and I end up listening to everyone’s problems when I myself cannot even hold myself up at times.

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    zissy
    Participant

    Rome wasn’t built in one day , reward and recognize all the steps you have taken ! When the road ahead seems daunting , take a look in mirror and say out load what you have accomplished and Pat your self on the back .so many times we don’t give ourselves credit for the work we have done .Doing so will give us that push to keep climbing . Inner peace and self growth requires huge doses of strength and stamina . Perhaps treat yourself to something special once certian goals are met . Word of advice , it’s ok to say Im sorry I cannot be there for you in this way as I myself have personal things going on . Saying no to others unloading on you is ok if it will bring you down . Try surrounding yourself with others who will push you ahead and if there isn’t .Do some mindfullness activities that will help you focus inwardly on how to strengthen yourself . Mindfulness tools are great for calming the mind.and spirit .

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you again! you sound like an educated consumer. You seem to have lots of inner strength. I appreciate all your advice and I will definitely keep it in mind!

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    My inner world is bleak

    I feel restless and weak

    I see in front of me mount everst

    How in the world will I find the patience and zest?

    I know life comes in tidal waves

    Sometimes we feel on top and sometimes we feel like slaves

    It is all about lifes journey and what road we are riding

    Are we walking erect or are we slipping and sliding?

    I do my chores and put on a smile on my face

    I walk down the street with confidence and grace

    But in my heart my feelings are in such dissarray,

    Emotionally I am not doing okay

    I smile and tease

    Say thank and please

    As I push myself more and more

    Accomplishing whatever it is whatever the chore

    But deep inside tells a whole different story

    Where things are not so bright, where there’s not a shred of glory

    Where I have such struggles emotionally

    Trying hard to manage my turmoil internally

    I try to tell my emotions that keep resurfacing

    That I am okay with them, although my mind keeps racing

    I try to let them come and go as they please

    But sometimes they’re so painful, I am hit with such fierce unease

    Where they totally take over my entire domain

    Haulting me in my functioning until I feel insane

    I try to let them be to their own devices

    But I still pay such heavy prices

    I feel at times that I am waging a war

    Where  I am bleeding and I am literally sore

    I know my feelings are not my enemy

    They are residing in me until I deal with them completely

    Where I accept myself in a very real way

    And to love myself every single day

    Hashem created each of us as a Masterpiece

    Perfected to an art without a single crease!

     

     

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    zissy
    Participant

    In response to avacad0's post #7394:

    inner strength came.from.years of pain and turmoil and one day having an awakening that I was just so tired from carrying around so much within and having nothing change . I wanted to break free and truly live despite enormous yissurim from Child loss and a painful past . Realization that only I can be the one to make that choice of healing and tackling the trauma and wounds .plus finding the right therapist and truly opening my mind.for change despite previous hard grained behavior patterns and really what I was bringing to the table .it wasn’t easy .I call myself a work in progress .inner strength came from the exertion I put in . What goes in comes out . Your poem is so eloquently painfully beautiful , I can feel your emotions so tangible beneath the words ..keep writing it’s a great therapeutic tool for expression . Your a fantastic writer

    Hello Avocado,

    Thank you for sharing in such a raw way what you are experiencing. You ask a very pointed question that I get often, “Will I ever be someone I am not today?”. The answer is both yes and no.

    1. The trauma you have been through seems to be threading it’s way through your regular every day functioning and that trauma can be healed. What that means is that the demons of the past can be laid to rest so that it does not rear it’s head when you are engaging in some otherwise enjoyable experience. You say you are getting help. It is important that you are seeking the right help. There are hints of PTSD in your language. If that is the case perhaps EMDR or another trauma intervention would be best suited for you. There are also hints of emotional regulation techniques and coping strategies that may need to be acquired. In any case a proper diagnosis is paramount to a proper treatment plan as not every therapy fits every client.
    2. You ask, “Will I ever be calm, relaxed and balanced?” While your symptoms and emotional intensity is a symptom and reaction to what you have been through, it is also the way your body chooses to react. What that tells me is that through healing we may be able to redirect your reactions and your tendency to lean towards high emotional reactivity may be redirected in a positive way. Do you also get excited when you hear good news? Do you also cry at your children’s milestones?

    Our body was created to feel and hold pain, but those same bodies were created to heal, nurture, care, and move ahead.

    Chaya Rochel

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    avacad0
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you for all your validation! I greatly appreciat it.

    About the question ” Do you also get excited when you hear good news? Do you also cry at your children’s milestones?” This is one of my major struggles. I have completely shut my emotions for years and I am trying to open myself emotionally hence the immense struggles. I actually barely cry. I associate crying as a lack of control and I almost never do that. I don’t either get too excited about things. I try to maintain an even front it just makes me feel more normal.

    @Avado0 thank you for opening up and sharing these painful and poignant parts of your life and struggles.

    The ability to speak openly about it is already a huge step in the healing process and to echo what others have mentioned; accepting the reality instead of fighting it with I “should” feel a certain way will lead to a certain sense of empowerment and inner peace.

    Much luck w. your journey!

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