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    RomanticYente
    Participant

    Most of my friends are dating and have shown signs that they found the one and are probably getting married to this person, whether it be soon or in a year and I’m sitting here feeling like I’m never going to find anyone. Is this normal? How do i change this? I want to be positive and have faith that everything will work out.

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    avacad0
    Participant

    While I am not in your shoes so it would be hard for me to understand the depth of your pain that you are going through on a daily basis. What I can share with you is that I once attended a lecture on chizzuk on my personal challenge. The speaker was validating that loneliness is one of the most painful emotions to feel. So my recommendation to you is try to reach out to people that are in similar situations like you, and try to go out together and have a good time. There is something to spending time with people whom you don’t have to explain anything to, they just understand the pain of being single.

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    CTab
    Participant

    Our twenties and thirties always feel like a race to see who settles down with who first. Everything can still workout when you’re single. Sure people stress finding “the one,” but they never seem to remember all the trial and error it entails.

    I wouldn’t worry about being single unless you feel lonely. Even then, I’d rather friendship over some unstable fling/relationship every day of the week.

    Love is a brick wall you don’t want to run into headfirst. The pain of being single is often self-inflicted.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    @RomanticYente, this is a very hard place to be in and definitely causes a lot of unpleasant emotions like loneliness. I have also felt very upset when friends were going out or getting engaged. I wanted to start dating so badly! But, I wasn’t ready and I’m still not ready. What consoles me is thinking about how hard it would be to live with another person; how much my mental health struggles would affect that. I also know of a few people who are of the age to date, but aren’t because they’re taking care of their emotional/mental health. But with all said, although it’s extremely hard to wait, the right one will come at the right time.

    As for what @CTab said, dating has been made into such a great race which causes a lot of much pain. It would make a better place if dating wouldn’t be made into a race by our society and we would be comfortable doing things at our own pace rather than looking over our shoulders (myself very much included here!).

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    Mitchell
    Participant

    I agree with what everyone is saying here. There’s a lot of pressure put on us by our friends, or our society, to settle down and find the one by a certain age. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you. If you’re not ready or are waiting for the right person to come along, that’s perfectly fine and you have nothing to worry about it.

    And if even if you feel like you are ready, and want to meet “the one”, but just haven’t yet, don’t worry. The person for you is out there, and sometimes you just have to wait to meet them. But if you want to be proactive, you can always try looking for singles events in your community/synagogue. But either way, try not to stress too much about it. People move at their own pace, and just because your friends are doing something right now doesn’t mean that you have to.

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    RomanticYente
    Participant
    Topic Author

    thank you all for such wise words. I am trying so hard to find the good in this process and slow down and spend more time with friends and focus on myself and do all the things that i love but sometimes it just hits. i definitely agree that society has completely distorted dating and made it into this race. i wish that could be changed so badly.

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    CTab
    Participant

    Frankly, if you can’t be comfortable with yourself while single, you aren’t ready to be in a relationship.

    This whole idea that your partner completes you warps peoples’s perspective of their own self-worth. It also puts undue pressure on said partner to help “fix” someone who wasn’t broken in the first place.

    You’re never too old to be “over the hill,” so don’t adopt the mentality that every relationship with the opposite is an opportunity to no longer be single. That’s how you lose friends and stay single, too

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    Such good points here. Ditto to everything. Just want to add or echo that yes its tough but if you try to take it as an opportunity to learn about yourself you may resent it less. Learning about what kind of relationship you want, getting experience in dating, or experience managing feelings etc. It’s all part of the learning and life that you don’t want to miss out on just because society has somehow made it seem like loss is the only way to feel. I think we need some more permission to enjoy the time and then also learn how to enjoy it. And of course just when you think you’ve got it all figured out the right one will come because then you’ll be truly more ready. You’ve learned to live comfortably in your own skin so now it will be easier to live, learn and grow with someone else.

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    RomanticYente
    Participant
    Topic Author

    In response to alwaysworried's post #5347:

    I really want to believe this. I feel like the world doesn’t let me believe that this is okay. Like now that I’m in my 20’s I have to be ready. My sister is 28 and not married, never has been, and there is nothing wrong with that, but everyone feels bad for her as if something is wrong, which makes me not want to ever be in that position, even though its totally fine for that to happen and for it to take that long.

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    Chavy
    Participant

    In response to RomanticYente's post #5350:

    Ya, it’s really bad that our society has made milestones such as dating into a race. It’s really hard not to let it bother us. It’s unfortunate. I guess that at the same time it’s important to cultivate “selve’s” and allow ourselves to shine  and feel okay being single even with this “race.” I know, I’m no pro at this either. Just sharing my thoughts and talking to myself.

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    Mitchell
    Participant

    In response to RomanticYente's post #5350:

    You’re completely right, there’s nothing wrong with being single at 28. Regardless of what other people may think, the most important factor is that your sister is doing what’s right for her. Whether she’s not ready for marriage or waiting for the right person, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with making the choice that’s best for you.

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    CTab
    Participant

    It breaks my heart to see people get so fixated on getting into a relationship to “complete” themselves, or how others feel sorry and pity those who’ve been single. You’re not going to discover your self worth just because you jump into the arms of the first person who treats you nicely; i’m just worried that with all this stress around relationships, people will make a leap of faith for the wrong reasons.

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    RomanticYente
    Participant
    Topic Author

    In response to CTab's post #5359:

    yeah absolutely. and because of all this stress and hype about it, it makes me so so nervous that i would gd forbid make the “wrong” decision.

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