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    malkyknob
    Participant

    Hi everyone

    I need advice. I am a female in my high 20s who is also the oldest in my family and unfortinately, still single. I have 2 younger brothers who are also of marriageable age. How do I possibly deal with the possibility of the younger brother getting engaged before me? I feel like if it does happen, I will become depressed and not want to face the world.


    Anonymous

    There are two reasons that I can think of (from personal experience) that the pain will be so intense.

    1.  The pain of not being married hits home harder.
    2.  Shame. ‘If he got married and I didn’t there must be something really wrong with me’

    It sounds like from your post that it’s number 2. You wrote “not want to face the world”.

    If I am right and that is true, you may want to explore that shame.

    Why do you feel it’s your fault, or that there is something wrong with you that you’re not married? Some of the worlds best people Hashem wants them to wait.

    I hope this is helpful

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    malkyknob
    Participant
    Topic Author

    So it’s a little of both. The part where I wrote about not wanting to fsce the world, it’s more because I feel like people are going to be talking(gossiping) anout me, amd pity me with their looks which I am not interested in.

    malkyknob, this sounds so scary and painful. I hear your fear and your pain is so relatable. Even just thinking about a younger sibling getting married before you is so huge and painful. I get it.

    Your self awareness is commendable. You don’t want people talking about you or pitying you.

    Question- What do you think of yourself? Do you pity yourself for the situation you are in? What we think of ourselves, is the vibe we give off to others and they respond to us the same way.

    I find that when I am confident in who I am and don’t look over the shoulder to see what others think or talk about me, they don’t!

    What new positive self affirmations can you have for yourself that will help build your confidence? Maybe something like “I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing right now”. Or “I am becoming the best I can be”. And “I know Hashem has a plan for me and I am so lovingly being taken care of by Him”. Come up with your own, so that when you are amongst other people, instead of giving off the vibe of “I am someone who needs to be pitied”, you give off the vibe of confidence .

    Malkyknob

    This is so hard. Understandably,  you really want to get married. Here’s a suggestion – notice what’s happening. You’re forecasting future events. You’re feeling anxious and by definition,  anxiety lives in the future, but we live in the present. Can I make a suggestion? I don’t know what your relationship with your brothers is like,  but talking to them , now in the present, about how you and they feel about the possibility of one or both of them getting engaged before you could relieve your anxiety, and maybe theirs too (who knows what’s going on in their minds?). To use a cliche, talk about the elephant in the room.

    Ugh, the thought of people gossiping about you is dreadful. You know what they say about people.  Great minds discuss ideas,  average minds discuss events,  small minds discuss people. The people who love and care about you won’t be gossiping, and those who will gossip, well, they are small minded so who cares about them?!

    I know this is a challenging situation to be in. Try and use it for self-growth.

    I wish you strength in facing this challenge and hope my words offered you help and comfort.

     

     

     

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