[okidoki]

Hi.

I’m not sure what my question is here exactly, I’m just realizing that as I get older the bigger problem I am having with things. The fact that I am 20 years old and I am terrified to take the next step of marriage doesn’t feel right to me. I didn’t realize how afraid I am to take this step until I was almost reaching the age. And as time goes on and more friends are getting engaged the more scared I become. My friends are starting to get married, and I feel so disconnected from the process. All I can think of when thinking about the next stage in life is what my parents marriage looked like, and how my parents divorced, and everything that took place after. Then it makes me doubt everybody else’s marriage, because who knows if ppl are actually happy in their marriage. Nobody knows what is actually behind closed doors. I prefer to stay single then to marry someone and get divorced, or to give my children a bad father.  Plus, u never truly know who u r marrying before u get married. Ppl hide things and it only comes out later. That happened with my father. I see a therapist but I’m so not comfortable talking about this part of my life. I keep my parents divorce and issues quiet. Plus we are focusing on other important things at the moment.  I’m really not sure how to start working towards seeing a happy future for myself. Any tips or advice anybody can offer to me?

[Chavy]

Hi!
This is a very good question and hard one. First, it’s 100% normal to feel this way given your background and family experience/history.
I’m also single but not dating yet as I have things to work through.
It sounds like you’re currently working on some things now, but I think that once those are “cleared” and you speak about marriage with your therapist or anyone else, I think you will probably gain clarity.
I could be wrong, but that’s my feeling.

Wishing you clarity and Hatzlacha with this and all that you do! I’d also love to hear what other people have to say.

[rina]

Hi okidoki,

I totally relate to you. My parents also had a really bad marriage and I was scared to get married. But you should realize that most people are good people. Everyone has flaws and you’ll have to deal with your spouse’s flaws, and every couple has some arguments, but most people want to be good to their spouse. It’s pretty rare to marry a guy that is a total jerk and very selfish. So the chances are low.

You should definitely talk to your therapist though. Maybe take one session to talk about it.

[Author]

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