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    FunJester
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    How can I empower my child to use her strengths when my husband gets upset at her for it? For example, she’s a problem solver and a doer. If she sees something needs to be done she takes care of it. My husband (because of his own personal issues) gets upset at her for not asking permission. And if she makes a mistake he gets even more upset. I think it’s a great quality that she has. I want her to feel self confident in her decisions, help her become an independent thinker, and not be afraid of making mistakes. How can I teach her that when my husband is teaching her that it’s all wrong? I’ve discussed it with him and he hears my side, but it’s hard for him to change. I don’t want to give her mixed messages bec it’ll confuse her and it’s important that my husband and I are on the same page. Any ideas?

    This sounds like such an empowering question! I hear your frustration in trying to empower your daughter while it seems like your husband is not.

    I love how you want to be respectful of your husband and be on the same page.  I also love how you want to empower your daughter with the strengths that she was given and to become independent.

    I hear that you’ve discussed it with your husband and he sees your side, but it’s hard to change.

    I know this might sound tough, we are all so HUMAN! I can relate to trying to “side with my daughter” by “blaming my husband for his personal issues”.

    It seems like your husband has his own strengths of thinking things through and non impulsive.

    We don’t have to be on the same page as our husbands. We CAN have different opinions and views about life, chinuch, politics and everything. What we DO need, is to have RESPECT for his opinions.

    How would it be for you to respect HIS position by listening to heart message of what he wants? It doesn’t mean you agree, just that you really hear it and respect it. What do you think is your husbands heart message?

    I have found that once I really hear him, I really respect and accept his position, then he doesn’t have to be defensive anymore and is much more open to wanting to hear me and make me happy.

    One last point- the best way that your child will feel safe and grow in her independence, is by growing up in home where respect and peace between her parents are of paramount importance. And I could see that that is where you are headed! So kudos to you!

    How can I empower my child to use her strengths when my husband gets upset at her for it? For example, she’s a problem solver and a doer. If she sees something needs to be done she takes care of it. My husband (because of his own personal issues) gets upset at her for not asking permission. And if she makes a mistake he gets even more upset. I think it’s a great quality that she has. I want her to feel self confident in her decisions, help her become an independent thinker, and not be afraid of making mistakes. How can I teach her that when my husband is teaching her that it’s all wrong? I’ve discussed it with him and he hears my side, but it’s hard for him to change. I don’t want to give her mixed messages bec it’ll confuse her and it’s important that my husband and I are on the same page. Any ideas?

     

    Hi Funjester,

     

    Great question!

    Navigating family dynamics can be really challenging! The age of your child and the nature of the dynamic between you and your husband are key factors.

    Can you clarify how old your child is and if in fact you agree with your husband that she should be asking permission?

     

     

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    FunJester
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    Thanks for responding! She’s 9 and very similar personality to my husband. He tends to see what he doesn’t like about himself in her (he told me that).

    Of course there are times when she should be asking permission for certain things, but I think it’s ok if many times she doesn’t. In this case she tried to explain that she wasn’t able to ask and therefore made her own decision but he got upset that she was arguing with her and didn’t listen to her side. There’s a lot of micro managing and I think she needs space to grow.

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    FunJester
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    In response to Rivky Dasheff's post #12462:

    Thank you! We are really trying to work on respecting each other and we know that will help. It’s a long process and it’s hard when you don’t agree with fundamental ideas

    I get it, respecting your spouse is a skill to learn and sounds like you are well on you way!

    I hear how challenging it can be when you don’t agree with some fundamental ideas.

    I’ve been there, and now I can say that I’m reaping the benefits of what respecting my husband can do!

    It’s my passion to empower other women on their journey towards happiness, peace and passion in their relationship.

    In response to FunJester's post #12487:

    If I understand you correctly, more often than not you both agree that your husbands reactions are mostly a result of him being triggered by your daughters behavior reminding him of parts of himself that he doesn’t like.

    Wow! That’s so vulnerable of him to identify that as something he struggles with.

    Since he has this awareness, I wonder if showing him how much you embrace and accept this imperfection of his is your answer.

    If he sees how welcoming you are of his imperfections;

    1. He will become more accepting of the parts of himself that he doesn’t like thereby reducing his shame, so he will be less triggered by what your daughter reminds him of.

    2. He will be more tolerant of mistakes and imperfections in general, resulting in him becoming more accepting of your daughters mistakes instead of ridiculing her for them.

    One last point:

    Even if your husband never changes, don’t underestimate the influence you can have by creating an environment in your home  of acceptance of imperfection. You can do this indirectly by casually mentioning your “mistake of the day/week,” and how good it feels that you tried anyway. You won’t have to react and balance out your husbands criticism to each incident of your daughter’s, as it will be quite known to her how you feel about mistakes in general. In a moment when she is upset about how your husband reacted to her, I would focus on supporting her and showing her love and concern rather than settling the score about who is right about mistakes…

    That culture of acceptance that you create can absolutely empower your daughter despite the contrast of your husband. Kids are smart. As long as they have a model for what’s healthy, they can sense what isn’t. As your daughter gets older she will be able to sense that this is one of your husbands challenges, and thanks to you -she will be able to accept him for it!

    I so admire your devotion to your family.

    These concepts are a bit deep and hard to write about short-hand, but I hope it’s provided you with some direction.

     

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    FunJester
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    Thanks so much for these responses! They are really helpful

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