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    Chavy
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    I hope your Summer is going well. My question probably fits under this collumn and the one about relationships, but I put it here bc it has to do more with my emotions.

    My issue is complicated, but I’ll try to explain it clearly:

    I am dealing with OCD and the way it manifests itself is by latching onto others (friends/therapists/co-workers) who seem more confident then I am and project more confidence. The problem with this is that there are certain people that this happens with. The person it involves now projects a LOT of confidence, assertiveness, both qualities that I don’t have so much of. But not only am I obsessed with her, I’m kind of infatuated and am thinking about her a LOT! And, not only am I infatuated with her, I am intimidated by her. I’m intimidated by how easygoing and confident she comes across and because she is very caring and sincere. Now the weirdest part that I don’t fully understand myself is that I like feeling intimidated by her. And so, I’m thinking about her, about when she’s going to text me or call me… But I’m trying to be very careful not to call or text her too much.

    My therapist is trying to teach me to just view these thoughts as thoughts. Like, non-judgmentally. To practice Radical Acceptance that I’m dealing with these thoughts. But i’m finding it to be very very hard. I’m trying to be as busy as I can, but when I’m alone or with my family, (I’m not really close with my family) i’m thinking about her. For example, I just texted her about 2 hours ago and I’m waiting/wondering when she’ll text me. I’m also trying to keep myself busy and not only look at my phone. It’s easier to do that now, bc I spend a good part of the day being out, so I feel more okay with being myself.

    I don’t even remember what my question is, but I guess I’m just expressing myself and looking for validation. Has anyone felt this intense with another person? (This is a pattern of mine). I mean, how can I accept that I’m having thoughts about her, and wondering when her next message or call will come?  The reason why the acceptance is so hard is bc i feel that it’s not normal. It’s not normal to feel this intense/obsessed/intimidated about someone.

    I’d love to hear what others have to say on this and appreciate your validation.

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    zissy
    Participant

    Well the first step is good that you have awareness and know your boundaries . Those that feel intense emotions with others might have some codependent tendicies . It’s helpful to open up to your therapists about that and gain tools as it seems to be guiding you in right direction . Alot of times our relationships are of something we might have needed in our childhood or pasts or needs we might have for ourselves for our future . Perhaps also realize that friends cannot fill roles that a significant other / partner is supposed to fill and you might be projecting some of that unto a friendship . Expectations also might add some serious emotional weight unto the sensitivity part of it as well . Letting things flow naturaly might ease some of that. Try joining places that might offer you more of a social scene to gain normal healthy friendships that will lesson the intensity of this one . 

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    In response to zissy's post #7409:

    Thank you for your validation. You’re right about letting it flow as opposed to forcing things and having high expectations. I am trying to be busy and go out with friends, but bc of the nature of OCD, I’m thinking about this obsession-intimidation and how it’s not normal a lot. But thank g-d, I’m working on the boundaries.

    I do tell myself that this is my biological makeup and this is my normal, but it’s still hard to feel and understand that this is “normal” versus “not normal.”

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    zissy
    Participant

    We don’t always have too title everything if we end up feeling bad about ourselves .The good news is that your aware and your working on triggers and boundaries with  a professional guiding you . Our genetic and biological make up are not ours for choosing so acceptance goes along way to help us move past the negative head space we often trap ourselves in . When you get those moments , instead of feeling bad about your “normal ”  say instead yes. I’m feeling intimidated , and obsessed right now and it’s ok , it will pass and just breath it through .I know I need to place a boundary now . Call another friend , go shopping or perhaps go for a walk ..until the urge to feel those other emotions subside . We all struggle with something ,kudos to you for owning yours and reaching out to help yourself .your braver then you think .

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    avacad0
    Participant

    I actually really understand your pain, as I actually have struggled with this in the past. I found that when you truly get a better understanding of yourself and what causes you to fall for certain relationships that in itself can really make the whole situation more bearable. When I would find myself enmeshed with a person and being too intensely involved with them I would tell myself to be kind to myself because it is all coming because of past experiences.

    Just know that with the right guidance you can get past this. I now recognize that certain relationships are just not good for me. And I put up my boundaries to make sure that I stay safe and that I don’t get hurt.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you @Avacad0!! Your validation and support means a LOT  to me! You’re so right about understanding yourself and why we fall for certain people. I fall and go for the people who look and project a lot of confidence. When you say that you put up boundaries, do you mean to stay safe in terms of not getting to enmeshed with the person?

    I have a feeling that this pattern of mine, stems of childhood traumas with a small ‘t.’ Years ago, when i was much younger, my family would go to our cousins for a Chanukah party. And I was petrified of my uncle. I used to cry when I saw him. When i was a bit older, I remember him telling me “when you were a baby, you used to always cry when you saw me.” I was thinking, “thanks for telling me!” Like, what was the use of that? He probably just meant it to be “funny”  and “cute,” but I was just embarased and feeling timid. I had the same pattern in elementary school, specifically with 8th grade. I remember being really scared of a classmate. But at the same time, also really wanting to be her friend. And I have a few more of these instances….

    Thank you @Zissy. I feel like I have “permission” now to feel those “not” normal feelings… And distractions are very very important!

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    avacad0
    Participant

    I think that some of us have a tendency to get attracted to certain type of people. Because of everything that I went through I am very weary when I come into contact with these powerful, dynamic and controlling people. These relationships are just not good for me. Instead of diving straight in and then getting hurt all over again. I tread very carefully. That is the boundaries that I was referring to. I am very into protecting myself not to get hurt again. I feel I am too vulnerable at this point in my life.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    I definitely hear you! Treading and feeling our way, so to speak is very important! I hope you continue to have and make meaningful relationships in a healthy way!! 🙂

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    I find myself here again, dealing with my loneliness and hurt feelings that drive some of my relationships to the intensity that they are now. My loneliness and hunger for emotional validation and relationship ruptures, add to the pain. I know I’m very needy, and wish I wasn’t so. I hope that this week goes well for me. Part of it has to do with my family. My mother is under a lot of stress (bc we’re moving soon) and is constantly raising her voice, leaving me feeling unsafe and unsettled. I wish I was surrounded with more loving people. But Hashem knows better than me and didn’t give me that kind of family. Bh, most of my friends are supportive and validating.

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    zissy
    Participant

    Hi Chavy , did you ever try writing your feelings down ..sometimes expressing our emotions via a safe way can help us express our pain without putting it on those who love us . knowing that your relationship with your mom is a huge trigger is the first step …perhaps knowing its her issues that are causing her to yell and not yours will help you feel more safe..imagine yourself in a box that no one can get through when you feel your security being invaded. Repeat to your self no one can hurt me without my consent ..im the only one in charge of my peace and truly believe that . good luck !

    Hi Chavy,

    What you are describing is a normal and healthy response as a child. As you get older  you will begin to strengthen your sense of self and build your security and safety in other ways. The more you can find your own inner safety and security the less vulnerable you will be by your moms reactions. Regardless, your moms emotions may always affect you. Finding an outside network of support can be super helpful.

    Chaya Rochel

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Thank you @Zissy and @Chayasatt! Your responses are very validating!

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi all,

    I just went out with this friend (we go out like once a month or so, but probably less now because the school year started) and I’m feeling pretty much the same feelings again. Like I need her. Now! She’s very attuned to me and to people and her careful and caring behaviors make me feel intimidated by also cared for. This feeling is quite suffocating and very hard to deal with. I guess (in psychology terms), my inner child just wants to get more and more of her. More of her caring and affectionate nature. (And at the same time feeling intimidated by those feelings…) It’s almost like an addiction. I’m also trying to figure out where the intimidation is coming from.

    Your validation insight and support is appreciated.

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