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    wantoheal
    Participant

    Getting closer to rosh hashanah/ yom kippur when it’s time to do a cheshbon hanefesh I’m struggling with laods of guilt.

    I have been disconnected from my abbusive parents for the past few years. Even though I know I’m doing the right thing the guilt feeling doesn’t leave me. I wonder if there is something I’m missing that can help me quiet down the guilt

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Maybe they need to ask daas Torah. Sometimes therapists recommend cutting off when its not necessarily the right thing and then the client ends up feeling guilty. A competent rav must be involved. Usually cutting off is not recommended especially long term.

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    My mother grew up in an extremely abusive home. She’s pretty open about it to us kids so we know what she’s went through. One thing she told us is that when she realized that keeping up a relationship with her parents was taking her away from being able to be a good mother and wife she went to a rabbi to ask what to do. The rabbi told her that she can still respect her parents without having a relationship with them. So my advice to you is that you can still respect your parents without being in a relationship with them and that if being in a relationship with them takes away from your quality of life then for the sake of yourself know that you still respect them from a distance. Hope this was helpful!

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Well I can relate… I’ve been living with mountains of guilt that has been eating me up. The thing that helps me though is when I realise that the reason why I am doing wrong things is because I’m hurt. Theres no denying feelings, and eventually theyll come up if you want it or not. What IS in your hands though is to work through those hurt feelings and to want to be good. The fact that you’re feeling bad shows that you aren’t lacking good will. That makes you a good person and you’ll achieve amazing things!

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Hi, firstly the fact that you recognize the feeling and are ready to work through it is huge. Secondly, guilt is the response we have to the “shoulds” of the world around us. If it was expected that we never had contact with parent then there would be no guilt, so the guilt is the response to what you’ve been told should be. Yet, another part of you (which is stronger right now) recognizes that contact with them isn’t healthy for you. Can you make space for that part and allow yourself to truly believe that you are doing what you need for yourself in the moment?
    Also, for the longer term a therapist can help you work through all these mixed feelings!

    -This response was contributed by Shifra Schnair, IMFT.

    Shifra Schnair

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    wantoheal
    Participant
    Topic Author

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #9779:

    I asked daas Torah and was told to stay disconnected, still the guilt seems to be running after me.

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    wantoheal
    Participant
    Topic Author

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #9780:

    thanks for this. Another part of my struggle is how to talk about it with my children. They’re growing up and starting to ask questions to which I’m soo uncomfortable answering. How did your mother tell you about her abuse?

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Hi. Thank you so much for bringing up such an important topic, your insights are amazing. We’ve been dealing with a similar situation and the guilt and confusion, especially around the holidays we are in now, are crazy. Do you have a contact for a competent rav that can help us gain some clarity? Thank you very much

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    guilt is a hard feeling to deal with. Is it possible to have a long-distance-relationship with them without getting entangled or abused again? maybe mailing them a “happy new year” card (with or without a photo of yourself) will be enough that they should feel love and help alleviate your guilt a bit, for not being able to be closer to them. at the same time you can maintain you distance and not get hurt (again).

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    This is a very difficult situation to be in. When you say “I know I’m doing the right thing…” I am curious about that. How are you sure? I’m not saying it’s wrong I’m just opening up a space for you to consider whether this is still the right place for you to be in. Maybe it was a month or a year ago but maybe now you are stronger and the guilt is a message for you to try to make some peace so that YOU can heal more completely. Again, no need to pressure yourself to do or feel differently just get curious and honest with yourself about what you can and can’t tolerate. Ask yourself: if your parents were to die tomorrow what would you regret not saying or doing? Then go about working with your therapist to get to place that you can have that exchange with them.

    Again, This response may be may off color bec I don’t know the specifics but I think this can apply to various situations. My Thoughts and feelings are with you ?

    This response was contributed by Fay Brezel, LMHC.

     

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    WhatsAppers
    Participant

    Yes !! A person needs family !!!!
    Gota go with ur GUT feelings – not what Therapsit “ Recomend “
    ( not all therapists know what they’re doing ) they are just human beings w a few added letters to their name..

    -Anonymous WhatsApper

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    Talented
    Participant

    In response to wantoheal's post #9784:

    is there a therapist/rav you can ask? So you feel you covered both bases? Until I didnt do that, I didnt really feel at peace.  Im in a much better place now (after 33 years) than I was before.  The complete guilt though, I doubt can disappear.  I believe its human nature to want to connect to a parent.

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    wantoheal
    Participant
    Topic Author

    In response to WhatsAppers's post #9790:

    thanks for your reply. Your asking how I know I’m doing right.  I’m doing it for the safety of my children. My siblings and i were sexually abused by my parent. I either dont feel safe with them. And if one of them were to die, I wont regret anything, except maybe to ask them why they ruined my life(but I dont feel safe to do it yet)

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    Talented
    Participant

    In response to wantoheal's post #9793:

    And I’m not even sure asking them will help.

    My brother thought confrontation will help him get closure.. I begged him not to.. he did.. and it wasn’t pretty..

    In our case we are estranged from our father.

    In response to wantoheal's post #9793:

    OK yes that is one of the extreme situations with which my response does not do justice in addressing. TY for expressing that. Since this is so delicate, please continue to address this with a trusted professional and a competent Rabbi if/when you can. I hope the responses here were supportive as an adjunct to all the other supports you have in your life at this sensitive time.

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