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  • This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by Profile Photorina.
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    imafighter
    Participant

    Hey,

    I have a question that’s been on my mind ever since I started talking to this guy on a dating app.

    So I have a few mental health issues and I wanted to start dating to get married also because I’m 21 and I think it’s time and I’m ready. But I also have past trauma that I am in therapy for and actively working on it but still don’t want it to stop me from living and doing other things. I want some guidance on how to approach a healthy relationship while being in a really intense trauma treatment and peoples take on it. What they would do or if anyone else dealt with this. Also work is very stressful so I guess how do I balance all 3 and not get too overwhelmed because dating can be exhausting and work is exhausting and therapy is extremely exhausting. So I guess I want to know if it is the right thing for me to be doing now I mean it also makes me feel happier and i am really enjoying talking to this guy.

    Thank you in advance

    -imafighter

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    Dana Rosenberg
    Participant

    Hi Imafighter,

    Your question is a specific, individualized one and deserves it’s own analyzation to arrive at a proper response. I will try, however, to discuss this topic in a general way and perhaps it will resonate with you.

    Readiness for marriage depends on a large range of factors besides for the technical age and it is critical that one meets those criteria to ensure a healthy relationship from their end. You mentioned mental health issues as well trauma that you are working through. I wonder what you mean by saying that you are ‘ready’ while clearly in the midst of working through these things which so deeply affect a person- their perception of themselves, and relationships-especially close ones like marriage. These are not things that resolve automatically by getting married (unfortunately a common misconception). I once heard a great phrase on this topic that says it well: Marriage is a great diagnostic center, not a rehabilitation facility.

    You also mention an exhausting job but don’t give details about it. Is it too many hours a day? Are there difficult dynamics you deal with? Is it the kind of job which is just meant to help pay for living expenses but is not a passion of yours? I’m asking this because work does not have to be exhausting. When you work at a job that you love you’ll feel tired but also fulfilled.

    Bear in mind that dealing with several exhausting things at once can very easily lead to burn out and will affect all those areas. My suggestion to you at this point is to take a step back to rethink what your goals and priorities are and how to get there. Your physical and mental health are of utmost importance and will lead to much productivity and healthier relationships on your end. This decision should be made with a therapist and Rabbi if you have one.

    As far as your current relationship, an honest approach is recommended. Saying something such as ‘I’m working through some things right now’ without going into detail is a good way to maintain the relationship without needing to commit at this time.

    Hoping you gain some clarity and good luck!

    Dana Rosenberg MsEd Enneagram Life Coach

     

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    millerjb
    Participant

    I would definitely speak about this at length with your therapist. Speak about what a healthy relationship looks like and see if you have the ability at this time to pursue something like that. You are young so you have time to work on this. Believe me going into a relationship with tools and a plan in more worth your while then just jumping into it and get hurt in the end.

    Hatzlocha

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    rina
    Participant

    You can ask the guy if he would be willing to wait until you finish trauma therapy.

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