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    Chavy
    Participant

    I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but it really bothers me that I’m comparing myself to others. I’m comparing myself specifically to others that are busy and hard to reach. I could think of a few people that are hard to reach and I wish I was, well like that bc it would be I’m busier and not so attached to my phone. For example, I was trying to reach someone for a few days. She didn’t answer my call, but she answered my text saying that she’s very busy. I am working part time, but I’m not nearly as busy as others and her. I was thinking about this and I told myself that I don’t want to be her (or the others that are also very busy); I want to be myself. Ya, so this puts me in a bind and makes me feel quite bad about myself. I guess I want to feel better about myself and I’m trying to do that! And, maybe turn my (basic) phone off for an hour or 2 if I’m brave enough. But then I won’t bet calls/texts.. Ya, it’s not fun to be in this place.

    I’d love to hear how others’ feel in this area.

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    Hi chavy, yeah comparing myself to others is a natural trap i think many people fall into from time to time. Myself included. I’m not sure what you mean though with this particular example. Would you simply like to be less connected to your phone as they are due to busy-ness or are you feeling jealous that they’re busier in general and feeling bad about yourself that your not as busy? Just trying to understand more…

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi always worried,

    Yes, it’s a horrible trap with a lot of negativity and secondary emotions. Yes, I would like to be less connected to my phone and be busier. I’m jealous that they’re busier and probably are less on their phone (their replies are a few hours after my text or call). For example, I was on my couch reading a magazine and my phone was in the other room. I heard it buzz with the notification that I got a text and of course had the urge to get up and see who it is. I fought that urge because I was reading, and then looked at it later. Of course, it wasn’t anything urgent. This is all coming from a place of not feeling good about myself and needing others. It would be amazing if I could either turn my phone off or leave it in a different room and be comfortable with whatever I’m doing. Meaning, not being hyper focused on ‘did my phone ring’ did anyone call/text me…’ Instead, I’d love to just be comfortable with being me and enjoying my time with whatever I’m doing. (Let’s see how long I can go without checking this forum…) Does that make more sense?

    Hi @Chavy & @Alwasyworried

    Technology in general has contributed a lot to this anxiety of always ‘being ‘on’ or needing to check our phones etc. Additionally, it seems there is a lot of emotion specifically around others not getting back to you because they are ‘busy’ (they may also be obnoxious or on 4,000 groups that have notifications constantly) which is not specifically related to phones but how we relate to others in general.

    If this is someone you feel close to I’d suggest having an open and honest conversation w/ them regarding how often its ok to be in contact etc, it may lessen some of the anxiety surrounding ‘they’re not responding to me’ It will also empower you to not rely on the phone to control your emotional wellbeing.

    It’s a complex & touchy subject & would love to see what others have to say…

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi Yehuda (Hudi),

    Yes, technology is a huge problem affecting us all to different degrees. My emotions centered around others not getting back to me or constantly checking my phone and thinking about it has to with me being needy (bc I know I am) and not necessarily them being mean. It’s my feelings of not being good enough that’s causing this. I was talking via a text with a friend about this and I realized that it’s best to work on accepting this part of me (for now) rather than getting stuck in the whole negative cycle. I’m going to have to try to accept my obsessive thoughts on being needy, not enough and etc. This is going to be very hard, but I’m noticing that as I’m writing, I’m feeling a tad better. I guess it helps to get your feelings out in an open an honest way. I would also love to hear what others have to say about this.

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    avacad0
    Participant

    Hi! I can relate to the part that you mentioned about feeling needy about others answering your texts/calls right away. It is something that I  struggle with as well. I am working on accepting myself who I am at this given time with my shortcomings including. I feel that this is the way to strenghten oneself internally when you you get overwhelmed by your neeediness. I try to tell myself that yes I do have expectations, and yes I am feeling rejected and ignored. But those are feelings only which are not life threatening, they will fade with the time. Because I think that people have a tendency to mix feelings with facts (at least I tend to do that) and if we can keep telling ourselves to remember that feelings are just that and they will pass.

     

     

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    So true @avacodo. I like that – so well said- feelings are just feeling not facts. I think another thing about neediness is that we all hate it and avoid it like the plague without realizing that we all need people and each other to one degree or another. Neediness is not something to eradicate rather something to be aware of and recognize how much we want/need/ from whom etc. and then figure out the healthiest most productive way of getting those needs met.

    Regarding the phones thing for me its about challenging myself to disconnect despite the struggle and discomfort and then feeling proud when i was able to disconnect for a measurable amount of time. Also, I’ll make sure it’s a premeditated amount of time so i know the duration of the discomfort and when that duration will be complete. I’ll sometimes even text people that can need me or get anxious/hurt if I don’t respond prior to my phone break. It will go something like this, “Hey, putting my phone away for the next hour bbs”.

    I’ve noticed the more i try this the easier it gets but it’s definitely still a challenge. I hope to increase time over time…

     

    I also like @hudi spin on things where you imagine they’re not responding because they’re so busy and less phone connected but equally possible and even more likely is that they too are swamped with messages and phone addiction etc…

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi @Avocadoe, I really like how you’re being very accepting of yourself and not passing harsh judgment over your shortcomings. That’s definitely something I need to work on. And, it’s so, so  true that feelings aren’t facts even when they seem so. @always worried, I also like that you’re disconnecting from your phone and sitting with the discomfort rather than fighting it. I think it’s such a healthy and productive thing to do. I would love to hear anecdotes about it if you feel comfortable sharing (like how long you’ve done it for and how you use the time). Always worried, I’m not sure I understand your last sentence:

    I also like @hudi spin on things where you imagine they’re not responding because they’re so busy and less phone connected but equally possible and even more likely is that they too are swamped with messages and phone addiction etc…

    If they’re also busy and swamped with messages, wouldn’t it be easier to get back to me as they’re on their phone?

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    hey yes @chavy, i get your question. That’s where hudi’s comment that they may be obnoxious comes in, lol. I think the point is though that we think they or “others” have it all figured out when in reality they’re likely also struggling to balance the inundation of alerts, messages, and real life demands. I wouldn’t jump to the obnoxious conclusion or that they’re ignoring you specifically. More likely, amid all the chaos they are not very efficient in what they respond to when, if that makes more sense…

    Regarding anecdotes, sure. I try to pick a task i’d like to accomplish that doest require phone time. I decide how much time i can / would like to give that task unless its a very set task (ex: reading one chapter in a book) without checking phone and then proceed to do so. For ex, if i want to read a chapter in a book. Ill put phone away in another room or in a drawer or turned over under a book so its out of site, on sleep mode and then proceed to read a chapter before checking it again. It’s liberating.

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi @alwaysworried, lol!! Ya, more likely than not, they’re also very busy juggling their responsibilities. It’s just hard to see that and understand it when you’re in it. It’s really impressive that you’re able to do that! Keep it up and let us know how it continues to go! I’ve turned off my phone a few times and I know how freeing it is. I try to turn my phone off about a half hour or hour before shabbos. It does feel good! There’s one less thing off your head at that moment. I would like to do it more often and taste it!

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    Yes, it simple to do but difficult at the same time. I like the erev shabbas idea. Try to build on what you already do. Like if you can easily do an hour than try 1.5 hours. Or maybe try doing it for one hour during the day on friday, or not running for it right when shabbas is over, like waiting an extra half hour to an hour before checking it – that might be really tough! Keep us posted!

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    Chavy
    Participant
    Topic Author

    Hi @alwaysworried, I really like the idea of building on it. So simple yet so smart! And, ya, delaying opening my phone after shabbos, will be very hard. I’m just thinking that instead of running to my phone, I could delay it for 10-15 minutes. It’s a good time to clean up and be a bit more mindful in terms of thinking about things to do for the upcoming week. I guess I’ll see what happens. I’d also love to hear more about your phone breaks.

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    OnAndonAnon
    Participant

    Chavy,

    Thanks for opening up about this.

    I didn’t read all the responses, so forgive me if I repeat points that were mentioned.

    The first though that came to mind was that I am sometimes that guy. There are times that people send me messages and I don’t reply. But it’s not because I’m obnoxious, rather because I’m self conscious. At times I think to myself ‘If I reply immediately they’ll think [insert noise here].’ so I try to control their perception of me by trying to reply at the perfect time and with the best message possible that would form the opinion of me that I think I want them to have. It’s so tiring!

    Instead, I strive to be authentic.

    Somtimes, being authentic includes knowing that I’m too busy to reply. Or that I need to not reply to this person for now. Or talk about this topic for now.

    Another thing that I was thinking is that it sounds like your discomfort is a symptom? Not the problem.

    If any of this fits for you, wear it for a bit and see how it feels.

    Be well!

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    Dr. Joanne Royer
    Participant

    Chavy so glad to be back and read all the posts! I LOVE your “comparisonitis” posting especially about the issue of being “busy” and what you are making busy mean for yourself. You know me from my prior posts that everything starts with how we choose to think about ourselves and others. Its interesting when I hear “I’m so busy” my thought is to immediately assume that the person has a lot going on vs. busy doing NOTHING. It’s easy to immediately as you said (and great awareness on your part btw) that you make their busy mean its something to do with you. That you aren’t good enough. What if you thought yourself as great enough and they were still busy. The busy part seems to be more about them and how they choose to use their time vs. anything about you.  Your inner wisdom spoke to you as you clearly said “I want to be me”…then the mind has to chime in and judge. Your inner wisdom is the highest form of knowledge there is. The mind’s job is to throw your thoughts to help you make some sense of things BUT those thoughts aren’t necessarily correct, factual or accurate. Can you turn your phone off for 15 minutes and in that time, quiet your mind, get it to a simmer,,,,and then write down what it means to “be you”? Be curious about yourself. That’s the first place I’d suggest starting. (and my friend, FOMO…is real – FEAR OF MISSING OUT……. It’s a real thing people are going through with all this tech – what exactly are you missing out on if you went dark, unplugged for an hour a day. that’s an honest question.   You are so courageous with your honesty and through it helping all of us in our personal development. Happy new year!

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    In response to OnAndonAnon's post #4643:

    Love your transparency. Yes its easy to get caught up in that loop, and if you think about it, it all comes back to comparing ourselves to others. Like what will they think if we respond/don’t respond etc. in essence we’re assuming they know better or we are striving to be perceived similar to someone we compare ourselves to who “knows better” etc. When we can catch ourselves and get in touch with whats the real me now, and how can i act in accordance to that real me it’s less tiring and liberating!

    In response to Dr. Joanne Royer's post #4645:

    Such a good idea to use those moments of pain for something constructive.

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