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    Miscellaneous
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    Any ideas out there on getting help when the person won’t help himself? He claims he’s doing DBT, but who knows with him…Would love to have him sign up to receive government help in order to get a place to live, etc. but he feels he will be able to get a job and be independent when he hasn’t demonstrated that independence in over 10 years. It could be he’s capable and has been enabled for too long, but either way, are there any options? His parents are unable to  allow him to fail, which is what’s really preventing anyone from seeing if he’s capable. We’re trying to support them, but they are older and basically, the way I feel, old habits die hard. They hear us telling them to be strong, but they just can’t be, even with therapy they are receiving. Also, am I enabling him (and my in-laws) more when I have him over when he can’t be home?(ie. to give my in-laws a break) Any advice and help appreciated! Thank you!!

    Hey, sounds like a difficult and very frustrating spot to be in. Without all the details, it sounds like you and others are certain he has BPD. Is that correct? If yes, DBT should be a good treatment approach. Of course being inconsistent with treatment is a story and issue in and of itself. There are too many missing pieces here to guide you on whether having him over is enabling him etc. What I can try to address is this-

    Any ideas out there on getting help when the person won’t help himself?

    The short answer is NO. A person needs to want to help himself on some level in order to receive the help needed and then implement the change. The long answer is, are you and others doing things to enable this individual to not want/ or not need to change? If yes, stopping those behaviors may improve the situation since they may propel him to change.

    A good read for dealing with borderline personality disorders is Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is super helpful for those dealing with BPD people in their life and individuals with BPD in general. Feel free to circle back with questions and comments on anything shared or that you have learned.

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    Chany
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    Hello miscellaneous and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you’re so torn in trying to help multiple family members who are struggling with a mentally ill individual. I agree with what fay shared that an individual has to want to help himself in order for real change to happen. I don’t think there is a black and white answer for whether your having him over is enabling. It sounds like he would simply get the enabling help elsewhere if you wouldn’t have him over and that would just be more difficult for your parents. So in essence you helping your parents or enabling them as they enable him. It is all so complicated when theres a family dynamic involved. I wonder if you can speak with someone to help you set boundaries that you are more comfortable with and that are good boundaries for the recovery or stabilization of this individual? Is this a path you’ve tried? What about joining your parents therapy session to help create a plan with the therapist for how the family can respond in helpful ways. Just an idea…

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    Miscellaneous
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    Topic Author

    Thank you Fay and Chany for your support and advice. Yes, we are sure he has BPD. Yes, I know the eggshell book well, (unfortunately, another past experience) and have even given a copy to my in-laws. Our next plan is actually group therapy with my in-laws, so we’re on the same page;). Good idea to discuss with the group the concept of giving my in-laws a break… I want to help them, and have him over (which I am doing at this point) but I feel that helping them and giving them a break will only make them come back to disable him more… who knows…will pursue as soon as we can have that session! This is indeed an extremely difficult situation!

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    Wandering Jew
    Participant

    Ooh…

    It sounds like a tough, tricky, frustrating situation to be in. I sympathise with you, and hope that the family therapy can help everyone move forward.

    Much luck!!!

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    Chany
    Participant

    So happy that you guys are willing to try the family therapy. I think that can be a great way to mutually support each other while not enabling the negative patterns. I hope it works out and you can keep us posted if you’d like!

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    alwaysworried
    Participant

    I think the family therapy idea is excellent and it’s impressive that you are so caring and willing to try different avenues with a flexible mindset and so graciously be there for your in laws! Kudos to you on so many counts.

    Hope it works out!

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