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    Openminded
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    Does anyone have any tips of dealing with anxiety with regards with apperance have some things that bother me about my wife i love her and dont want to destroy our marriage?

    Hello Nachum. Thank you for bringing this question here, it shows how self- aware you are. You recognize the need for your wife to look a certain way, to the extent that it brings up anxiety for you when she doesn’t. You also realize that this might destroy your marriage, and you surly don’t want that.

    Firstly, recognize that your need for your wife to look a certain way is based in fear. Also, realize that CONTROL AND INTIMACY ARE OPPOSITES. Every moment you get to choose control or intimacy, but you can never have both at the same time.

    Ask yourself these 4 questions:

    1- What is your fear? It might be that people will judge you a certain way if your wife looks a certain way. It might be that you will think you lost out on something… Or anything else.

    2- Is your fear realistic? Will it actually happen?

    3- Can you control your fear from happening and can you actually control the appearance of your wife?

    4- This is the most important one- IS IT WORTH THE INTIMACY YOU WILL LOSE BY TRYING TO CONTROL YOUR WIFE? Again, Control and intimacy are opposites and you always get to choose which one you want, but you can never have both at the same time.

    One more thing: You can always “catch her doing something good”. When she does something that you like, compliment her on it and show her how much you love what she’s wearing or how she looks. She will want to continue to please you as she feels cherished for who she is and what she does. But if she feels criticized, she will move further and further away from you and wanting to please you.

    I hope this helps. Good luck.

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    Openminded
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    In response to Rivky Dasheff's post #12651:

    thank you there is alot to digest in what you said what dou you mean by control could you elaborate more

    Hi Nochum,

    If I were meeting with you in session, I would tease out the two – the anxiety and attraction.  I would want to explore more your history of anxiety, how anxiety manifests in other areas of your life, and your relationship with anxiety in general.  After all, anxiety simply is fear and we can have different relationships with fear that heavily influence how we cope with fear.

    I’d also want to explore more your values and feelings around attraction.  How much weight is or is not put on it, how it exists in your marriage, and how it affects your own sense of self.

    These would be some of the pieces that can be helpful to process in order to get an answer for your question.

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    Openminded
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    Yes anxiety plays a big role in every part of my relationship im always self doubting everything im always never enjoying the moments but thinking how good is the moment and i have alot of triggers which are put in place that give me anxiety even when im not with my wife

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    Openminded
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    About your 2nd point i think alot about it is the fact that i puf alot of stock into nixing girls jusf cause of pictures then my wife came along and she was attractive but personality and something i cant explain made us click

    That makes sense.  Understanding that the anxiety is what is causing those thoughts can take away some of the power of those thoughts.  It can be immensely helpful to find the right therapist to learn how to manage these anxieties.

    In terms of the 2nd point, you speak of common cultural actions men and women take when they are looking for a life partner.  It can be off putting and confusing when our priorities shift or circumstances that led us to a decision change.  Again, I think that processing the specifics of your story in therapy can be really beneficial so that you feel confident in your relationship.

    Hi Nochum,

    Sounds like your the anxiety has impacted your ability to be present in your relationship both while you are with your wife and when not with her.

    Michali has made some excellent points, and I agree that a comprehensive assessment should be done to identify the underpinnings of your anxiety. I would encourage you to seek out a therapist trained specifically in treating anxiety.

    All the best!

    Hi Nachum.

    To answer your question about control- Anxiety usually comes from the need to control and realizing that we’re not in control. For example, people get anxious from flying, because they’re not in control of the plain.

    What I hear for you is that even if you don’t say anything to your wife, your thoughts of her not looking a certain way is bringing up the feeling of anxiety. Is that right? Your brain wants to control her and you can’t. (or you can and destroy your marriage- as you say)

    Next, is to recognize that control is based in fear. When you can get in touch with yourself and your own fears, you’ll realize that it really has nothing to do with her and her appearance and  all to do with you. This can sound scary, but is also so empowering to know that I can control myself, my thoughts, feelings and desires and create a whole different way of being and life!

    Hope this clarifies things for you.

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    Openminded
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    In response to Shaya Hecht's post #12668:

    yes thank you very much I think everything you are saying is spot on and well have to go see someone to work on that fear dont know if connected but im the type to have a stomach ache and get anxiety that it is a serious illness so could be they are both types of fears that i cant control like my health and my wifes apperance.thank yoh very much for your insight really appreciate it

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    Openminded
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    1. Y

      In response to Shaya Hecht's post #12668:

      yes thank you very much I think everything you are saying is spot on and well have to go see someone to work on that fear dont know if connected but im the type to have a stomach ache and get anxiety that it is a serious illness so could be they are both types of fears that i cant control like my health and my wifes apperance.thank yoh very much for your insight really appreciate it

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    Openminded
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    My biggest issue with the apperance is the underlying issue of everything by me is intense i have a hard time enjoying life and every nisayon or bump my natural instinct is to feel like my world is coming to the end my words i will use i feel hopeless etc

    In response to Openminded's post #12676:

    Hi Nochum,

    I think it’s great that you have all this awareness. It seems that your struggle is deeper than about your wife’s appearance. I hope you find the help that you need.  Good luck on the journey!

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    WarmheartedKing
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    The logical way of talking it out can be a long story. I trained in hypnotherapy a couple years back and apprenticed and this exact situation came up. It was resolved in one session. If that is something youre interested in considering, it was with Omni Hypnotherapy (one of the oldest most prestigious and is NGH and internationally accreditted in hypnotherapy) where they help one find where the source of issue comes from and they resolve conflicts with different parts of oneself. They are not trying to do therapy and help you understand anxious feelings and where they come from and how else it plays out in your life, they are only aiming at helping you with the issue at hand. I do not practice hypnotherapy myself but if you want some of the big names i can send them over. Some are licensed therapists as well.

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