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Child Loss Tried to Destroy Me But Failed

It’s a deep honor to be invited to write here. OKclarity is such an integral tool for us all. To have a venue to write, post or even to be a silent user.

My journey of child loss begins with the the sudden unexplained passing of my 7 year old son. I was thrown into a cesspool of such intense pain, grief and shock. It became the complete demise of not only my son, but the person I knew I was. Life as I knew it was over.

Child loss is a very different grief then any other. It’s not something you just get over or go through, it’s a jail sentence without the possibility of parole.

I didn’t want to be alive while my precious son was lying in the ground.

Begging Hashem to let us switch places, but to no avail. My shattered mind went to all sorts of places which I believed at the time was normal. I kept waking up night after night, with a shovel in my hand. Awoke I lay there wanting to dig him out because what kind of mother was I putting a 7 year old into the earth?

Many snow storms and pouring rain had me running for his coat. Why not? All my other kids got jackets.

The mind has many coping mechanisms to protect us from deep pain.

I wish I can say it gets better. Reality is what it is and I’m no magician. Through learning tools of acceptance, tefillah and deep spirituality one can utilize the time to grow.

I miss the person I once was; my innocence, my pure beliefs, my family life. They all bear the scars of trauma, loss and grief.

However, I love the person I’ve evolved into.

While always being a deep person. I’ve honed my depth now with truer connections, stronger faith and pure thoughts.

It was a  battle that had me picking up pieces of my shattered heart that lay strewn over the floor. Each and every one of the broken pieces I painstakingly glued back together. Along with feelings of deep anguish and mental exhaustion, the inner work was so tiresome. While the cracks are not visible to the outside, it’s all there on the inside.

Today, I call myself a work in progress, because one is never truly done. The triggers: birthdays, yahrtzeits, simchos. All these nisayons that can bring you right back down like quicksand.

As with anything in life, we all have choices. I want to be remembered as some one who won the battle and not poor ZC who caved in.

Grief is so individual, that is why no healing can be the same for everyone. We all handle pain in our own unique way.

My one advice I would say to anyone in a pain-filled situation.

You do you, only you can know how you’ll be ok… There is no right or wrong way… Whatever your feeling at the moment is normal and ok.

Today, I can finally pay it forward and help others in this heart wrenching nisayon.

There is nothing like understanding what someone else is going through, and providing an open heart and shoulder who cares.

For more stories and discussions on dealing with emotions, bereavement, and grief join these conversations:

Miss My Mom

Dealing with secondary trauma

Dealing with Emotions

Why the Grass Always Looks Greener


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This Post Has 13 Comments

  1. This is a beautiful story of loss, love, and resilience. Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through a tragedy like this, but am blown away by your ability to keep moving forward and trying to evolve as a person, as well as being there for others. Best of luck to you as you continue on this journey.

  2. Thank you for your honesty , your humility , and your ability to share your processs
    What an inspiration to those that are in similar pain filled situations!
    Your willingness to take your personal grief and turn it into a vehicle to heal others is beyond special and selfless.
    Thank you for sharing your story !

  3. Wow!! Your emunah and strength is unbelievable!!
    It’s frightening how much darkness your’ve been through- and now your use your strength and faith to inspire others daily!
    May you use your gift of writing to help others heal!

  4. I am truly humbled and inspired! You touched me in a very deep way. Your honesty and openness is truly amazing! May hashem give you the inner strength to continue on and may you only know happiness from here on.

  5. Zc, you truly are an inspiration to all of us that know u. I am always in awe of how u continue to push forward every day. You and ur husband took this tragedy and turned your lives into power houses of inspiration for us all. You didn’t close the doors and lights of your life and give up. And you could have given into the pain. No one would have blamed you at all. But you didn’t! You stand strong everyday, finding new ways to help it the world around you grow and inspire. You touch many souls with your beautiful words. I think about u often especially when I light my candles Friday night. I know how much you appreciated and prayed for your beautiful children even before this tragedy happened . And it made me regularly thank G-d for my children . I have never forgotten that lesson Zc. I feel like it is important to let people who go through tragedy know that we grow too. We don’t forget even though we go on with our lives and it seems like ur tragedy fades away. We never forget ur pain Zc.

    1. Your words touch me deeply to my core….tears come.easily as your friendship has always been a beacon of light through out this journey !! One cannot go through lifes challanges without the support of good freinds who tenderly hold thier hearts and world.tog !!! Ty for always being there !$

  6. Wow, this is such a powerful story. Thank You!

    Now I want to turn this into a sticker or poster “I love the person I’ve evolved into” I need it as a my daily mantra.

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